Chapter 1:Mirrors
Chapter 2: Secrets
If you can love somebody so much, it is true that you when you despise that person, it is of same extent. Nothing hurts more than being let down by person you love. And I grasped that early in this life, the only person who can hurt you so much is the person whom you love the most.
I had so much self loathe that I could not quell. Deep inside of me I also had sadness. But I had enough strength in me to deal with only one emotion at a time. Within a month my anger had vanished. Hate and sadness filled the void of anything that was left of me. The only person I could blame with a pointy finger was the person I see in mirror.
Things like love and marriage seemed so shallow. I just could not believe the person I loved the most can one day be the person I hated the most. I did think of things like suicide and all the wrong things. But my parents had big hopes for me. I just could not give up on life.
It was good thing that this all happened when classes were on summer break. Otherwise it would have tanked my grades. And what was inside my heart, I just could not let it out. I had no one to share my sorrow. Before it was always either my mom or Sharad I would run to. This time I had neither with me. My mom would have heart attack if I told her anything I was going through.
At times like this you look back and think about importance of family. Now I am forced to reevaluate the weight between freedom and family. I desperately wish I could have just flown back to Nepal. Had it not been for my educational obligations and my recent trip, I would have definitely flown back again in a heartbeat.
Finally it was just too much for me to take and I sought counseling. It was one of the better decision I have made in life. When I told Miss Gonzalez my story, she told me her even more horrific story which somehow took away part of my pain. Her entire family was slaughtered right in front of her eyes during civil war in El Salvador. The army people who rescued her, raped her and out which she had a child at tender age of 15. Somehow If she could make it in life, I believed I could make it.
The only emotion that now I had to deal with was hate. Sadly Miss Gonzalez could only take care of my sadness but not my hate. Hate had changed my perception of lot of things in life. Among them were men and their needs. It made me look at them as inferior creatures surviving solely on fulfilling their needs through women and asserting their false dominance.
As anyone in this phase of life, thankfully I had my girl friends that I could hold on to. Dolma, Prava and Nisha were there for me. They understood that we had broken up, but they did not understand why. I wish I could have said to them loud and clear " I don't want to hang around loser who watches his own girl friend getting screwed by random guy."
Me and Nisha shared the same apartment and Prava and Dolma lived in another upstairs. Nisha would spend most of the time either with Ken or in library, so I would invite over Prava and Dolma from time to time. I think I could not have made it so far without their support and I am very much grateful to have wonderful friends.
I always wondered why Prava and Dolma never had real relationship. Both of them were gorgeous looking girls in their own right. May be they were waiting for the right one and they did not want to waste their time. I used to argue with them, if you don't make mistake, how will you learn? But, not anymore.
As I was no more in relationship, they used to tease me that I should join their single ladies apartment. Nisha was always busy, so eventually I became close to Prava and Dolma. Time flew by and Fall semester had began. I needed to get my concentration and life back on schedule as normal. Since we all shared same classes, we also shared books too.
Usually I worked regular hours in the lab but today I just did not feel well and asked other TA to swap my shift. Even though I was sick I still wanted to study and Prava had not returned one of my books. I was not sure if either of the girls would be present in their apartment but I figured I would still give a knock.
I was there at the doorstep and just about to knock and I heard a faint moan. I paused and paid close attention, just to make sure it was not all in my head. Yes, it was a loud moan of "Ahhhhhhh." My initial instinct was, I should have called and I guess I won't be getting my book back. No wonder, these girls are single and happy playing with themselves. But then there were more sounds. I could discretely tell it was more of a banging sound.
Then it crossed my mind, wait a minute, it could be a guy making love to one of my friends. I was pissed that, even though they considered that I was close friend that they were hiding this from me. I was about to leave then suddenly I just had to peep through the key hole for a second.
It was Avinash. I had hardly seen both of them together. I was amazed they could have carried out this covert operation. Dolma never had a good opinion of Avinash and she always said he was too flamboyant. Maybe she said that to deflect people's attention. Well, finally someone other than me had a secret to keep. But I was kind of hurt that Dolma did not share this with me. May be she was waiting for a proper time.
Two days later, I called and made sure it was only Dolma in her room. I needed the book back badly and it was hard for me to keep too many secrets. I could not directly bring up that other nights topic. I did not have that courage. So I made a U-turn. I said I had a confession to make and if she could keep a secret. She obliged by nodding her head. I told what had transpired that wretched night and why I broke up with Sharad. My story was done and she carefully listened to me, consoled me but that was not what I was looking for.
So I asked her if she had similar kind of confession and she simply replied no. I was really annoyed that she could not tell me even when I had given her the chance. Finally, I had to confront her regarding her love making with Avinash and that she was caught red handed already. There is no need to hide and I assured, that I am capable of keeping secrets.
I was really mad and asked her why she hid this from me. Her only reply was, "I cannot lie to you that's why." I just did not want to talk to her at that point. I was crying because I felt really hurt. My best friend was hiding so much from me.
Suddenly she asked, "Can you handle the truth?" "Can you keep secrets?" I said "Yes, whatever you reveal to me, I will take to grave." "Do you love me?" I replied off course I would do anything for you my friend. And as I was completing the sentence she hugged me and she cried too. I felt sad she had to hide this from me. She said close your eyes and promise me you won't open until I tell you.
I closed my eyes and I lied down in bed sobbing. I heard her say open your eyes and there was Dolma in bed naked with me. "What you saw yesterday was Avinash fucking his cousin sister Prava. I on the other hand am Lesbian. You will have to keep more than one secret now. "
While I was wrapping this newly found information around my head, Dolma had already stripped me of my clothes. I did not resist. My body was for her to consume. She knew exactly where I wanted to be touched. She started by kiss on the neck to licking and taking my entire ear into her mouth discovering new vulnerabilities. I was extremely susceptible in back of my ears. Although I had given Sharad head multiple times, he never had made a real effort to go down on me. She used her hand and tongue in what can be best described as heaven. The pleasure was so hard to contain as it ooze out in the form of moans and groans. At times I did not know if I wanted her to go faster or deeper or I wanted her to stop. It felt like big explosion inside of my mind and body.
When it ended I was entangled in bed sheets and she was still watching me. Her hair was ruffled, her body had numerous scratches due to my nails and her face appeared to radiate a positive energy. I had never felt this good ever in my life and there were no regrets.
