| Eminem8 |
Posted
on 07-Apr-03 09:01 PM
It was supposed to be a great summer, I was with her, had a job, and things were supposed to be cool.........but.......
........But I was feeling 'ok' now. For the first time since it started, which was about two weeks ago, i did not have that funny feeling. It was there alright, but for the first time i was successful in supressing it. I lay on my bed, I might even be able to fall asleep before half the night was over. I had to go to work early tomorrow morning. I was even thinking about 'the' future, the one I had in mind before I had gotten 'side-tracked'.
Ofcourse, she was with him, somewhere outside of town, they should be coming back anytime..............."stop, you cant do that.", i told myself again. I could not be thinking about what she might be doing anymore, but its kinda hard to let go of old habbits, I had been doing just that for almost a year now.
I had to face it, I still could not get over her. I still had questions, there were unfair sides to this picture, unfair just to me......
Ok, I admit it was me who told her that this was not gonna last forever, it was also me who told her to not let go if someone else came along, cause I could not be with her forever. And I was the one refused to end this relationship 'just' because we might get hurt later. "One cannot stop living just for the fear of getting hurt", was my response, and she had bought it. Only had I known it would be this bad, I would probably re-consider. But on second thought, nah...........the times spent with her were the among the best in my life. I knew this day was to come sooner or later, and I thought I was prepared for the day too, but I had no idea..................
Finally, when it had been officially over, I had broken down. She had been the only thing on my mind, while I was at work, when I was with friends, well........everywhere. And I had been in this phase of denial, I hadnt told anyone but my closest friends, I had still wanted to have lunch together on my break, and on days when I couldnt get out of the office, I'd wanted her to bring me lunch, like she did before. Well, he would come to drop her off and pick her up now, but atleast I got to see her. Thats how desperate I had been. She told me we were still friends and that she would like to see me from time to time. Ofcourse I had agreed, thats why I was always asked her if she could see me, and most of the times she agreed, I dont know why...........
It was the times when she was out of town with him, that it hit me the hardest. I would be constantly calling her to see if she was home yet, and I would probably write her 10 emails a day, about everything, from how my day was going to how she had hurt me. Seemed like everywhere I went, she was there. She was at my work, smiling and peeking through the office door to see if I was in, she was in almost every single road in town, where we had walked, hand in hand, stopping for a short moment to kiss.....She was even in the TV, jesus, could they not make any scene these days where people were not engaging in emotional gestures??? my heart would feel weird, I swear it was a physical thing, like it had shrunk or pressured upon, and I would try to make it better by rubbing it, it would not help much. At times I thought the only way to stop that feeling was to drive a knife through it.
She did seem concerned about me, she would see me and ask me if I was doing ok, I'd tell her I would be fine.
But that night, I was feeling better. I told myself that I was going to survive this nightmare somehow, someway........I told myself that enough tears were shed for this matter and now it was time to move on. My best friend told me that his girl friend had cried forever when she heard about us. So, this was it, I hadnt written to her for about two days now, and she was due back in town any moment. But unlike other times, this time I was not gonna call her place to see if she was back yet. I was determined. I was thinking about the future now. The application package from college out East had arrived. I had always wanted to go to this college, it was a good one, atleast compared to mine, which was a joke for a college. And I had always wanted to live in the east, the root of American civilization, the history. I wanted to be able to walk around Harvard, and to lay a flower on Lenon's grave. I wanted to see a lighthouse by the bay, and feel how the first settlers must have felt, coming to the 'Promised Land'.
The last thing I wanted to do was get married in a little Midwestern town and get settled there for life. I still had to go packpacking in Europe, something impossible with her. It was high time I realised those dreams. That moment I felt proud, I had never lied to her, never cheated her, I felt I had kept my part of the bargain, if anyone, she was the one to back out, and still I was going for my dreams. Yes, enough of these emotional crap, I was going to leave this one behind and never get envolved in anything like this again................Good night........... to myself..........
Right the second I heard the soft knock at the door, I knew who it was..........and when I opened the door to see her teary eyes, and shaking lips, my theory was only proved. All I could do was hold her as tight as I could, run my hands through her hair, and 'assure' her everything was going to be ok...................
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