| agoraphobic92 |
Posted
on 23-Apr-03 04:46 AM
Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk.
A labyrinth of secrets,lies and mystery that I have stumbled into.Way past midnight I sit infront of the computer just frowning.My fingers want to type something,my mind wants to say something but have pushed my feelings so far away that I no longer have any words (feelings to be precise).I have become a piece of a puzzle that just does not fit anywhere.
Smoke clouding my thoughts or maybe it's the ciggaratte?I buy death everyday as I have become an obsequious slave of Mr."ML"(Marlboro Light if you non smokers are wondering). And trust me,I am not trying to be facetious but it is indeed sad.
I shrug my shoulder and put aside my thoughts?(did i have any to being with).I close my eyes and take a deep breathe.All of a sudden I am tossed into an ocean,ocean of uncertainty.Not sure which step to take or what move to make or how to swim as I am afraid to make the wrong move,another "Mr.M"(Of couse,mistake).Everyone around me looks so perfect except me.They are so safe sitting and watching me from the "titanic".They all have different talents and are speical, most importantly they are not in the middle of the ocean but me?I am drowning?Water running in the sink,must have dozed off.Is it the water or is it my life that's going down the drain?
Another puff of cancer with satisfaction and a sip of ectasy.I run my fingers across the soft,smooth but rippled face.How can I have wrinkles?Old age,a lesson of life?Or am I getting"ugly"?Each of my creases is representing the lesson I have learned in life, each one being a different experience.And it's the life experience that makes who I am. "ugliness"?so shallow that i am so worried about my outer appearance?Feel disgusted by the thought what the society has engraved in the core of my heart for the meaning of beauty.
Can my late nite thoughts get more turgid than this?
Now l lay on the bed and scences reminiscent of childhood falshes.Once I wanted to be someone when I grew up.Once I wanted to see the world.Once I wanted to be superhero.Once I wanted to make a difference.Countless dreams I had, now it's all replaced with mundance concern and a pragmatic reality.
No escape from this "reality"....
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