| Username |
Post |
| joie de vivre |
Posted
on 01-May-03 09:22 AM
Someone sent this to me... thought it was hilarious:
HOW TO INSTANTLY RECOGNIZE A SARDAR
You can be sure a person is a Sardar when he:
* puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
* gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
* sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
* tries to drown a fish in waters.
* thinks socialism means partying.
* trips over a cordless phone.
* takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here" he puts "Aries."
* studies for a blood test and fails.
* sells the car for gas money.
* misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
* drives to the airport and sees a sign that said,"Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
* gets locked in a furniture shop and sleeps on the floor.
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 01-May-03 10:40 AM
Joie, hahaha!! I really found this funny...LOL:p
|
| lonely |
Posted
on 01-May-03 12:38 PM
Here are some more..
In a party one of Santa Singh's friends asked him how many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Santa replied "Seven". His friend asks him, "When you eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty. Then how can you eat seven??"
Impressed by this tricky question, Santa as soon as he goes back home asks his wife, "How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach??" She says "Five"
Santa, "If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it."
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.
Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?
Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
sardarji#1 : went to kashmir officially and called to his house over phone.
sardarji#2 : had taken the receiver.
sardarji#1 : Who is speaking?
sardarji#2 : Servant Sir.
sardarji#1 : Where is the Madam?
sardarji#2 : She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
sardarji#1 : What? I am her husband came to kashmir today.
sardarji#2 : What can I do now sir?
sardarji#1 : Open the cub board, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, Till then I am waiting in the line.
After some time ... there comes 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...
sardarji#2 : Yes, I did Sir. But what can i do next Sir?
sardarji#1 : Open the back door, throw both of them into the well
sardarji#2 : I can open the back door, but how can i throw both of them from this third floor into the well in the ground floor Sir?
sardarji#1 : What...? Are you in the third floor?
sardarji#2 : Yes Sir
sardarji#1 : Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!
Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely,he asked the saree clad female,standing in front of him,"Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital.
He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still worse condition.
Banta started to explain his "Adventure".
He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied, " I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do you have "grown up" daughters?". The Owner asked," WHY????????? " I want to stay here tonight !!!!.
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him,
" Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked the him the same question. Singh answered,
No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked,
"Are you Relaxing?"
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered,
"Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said,
"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
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| lonely |
Posted
on 01-May-03 12:39 PM
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul,
he must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow
answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet : "What are you searching for?"
Santa : "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet : "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa : "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel'. How does he know that?"
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,
"Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The Singh replied
"I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions here"! It says here "Answer the following questions in brief".
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one said, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other,
"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him,
"Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies," Oye, see the board here ---"Wash Basin".
Just for laughs
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four days delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Stewardess Miss Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable,we serve complimentary tea and biscuits! For our religious passengers,we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs,we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Life jackets are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunts and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergencyjumps!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit." This is a recorded message........................
|
| lonely |
Posted
on 01-May-03 01:00 PM
Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
%%%
Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. 'I am not your son.' 'I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman
%%%
Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are you outstanding! Please income.'
%%%
Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.
It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.)
Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).
%%
Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
%%
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They should nto put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
%%
A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him.
"Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
%%
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
%%
Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I
say. And we have been married for six years .'
Mrs Rajsi intervened, ' Not six we have been married for seven years ! '
%%
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'.
That ended the husband's witticisms.
%%
Teacher : If we breath oxygen in the daytime, what do we breath at night?
Pupil :Nitrogen?
%%
Mrs Kartar had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : ' The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater .
%%
Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working , Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25thfloor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : ' How did you enjoy your dinner ? '
Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it , ' Sorry , I could not make it . '
%%
Banta showed his plam to a palmist . He examined the lines on Banta's hand & said,'A beautiful girl will come into your life, but be very careful.'
'Why should I have to be careful?' asked Banta. 'She should be careful of her life. I drive a Redline bus!'
%%
Santa Singh & Banta Singh had strong reservations against the Mandal Commission's recommendations. They found an ingenious way to get round them. Santa Singh's daughter, Manjeet married Banta Singh's son, Diljit. They named their grandson Mandal Jeet.
%%
Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school. Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?'
'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.'
%%
'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.'
'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. 'I am not your son.'
'I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.
%%
Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are you outstanding! Please income.'
%%
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.'
'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh, 'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'
%%
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made.
The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?'
Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will
the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
%%%
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : 'Doctor, I have a problem.'
Doctor : 'What's your problem?'
Sardarji : 'I keep forgetting things.'
Doctor : 'Since when do you have this problem?'
Sardarji : 'What problem?'
%%%
Banta owned a large factory. He issued orders that only married men would be employed. When his friend Santa asked him the reason, Banta replied, 'Married men are more obedient.'
|
| lonely |
Posted
on 01-May-03 01:42 PM
laugh it over
How to disable the modem speaker As posted to comp.unix.sco.misc. On Tue, 27 Oct 1998 12:31:55 GMT, Tom Parsons wrote: >Mark Alliban enscribed: >| How can I disable the modem whirring when a client dials in to OSR5? My >| computer is rack-mounted and will be placed in Telehouse so it should >| attract as little attebtion as possible to avoid being used as a coffee >| stand/pen holder. >Preferred: Read the modem manual, find the codes to turn off the speaker and set them in the modem's NVRAM. > >Alternate: Rip all of the pages out of the manual and wrap them around the modem. Unix Solution: cu -l /dev/ttyXX -s 38400 dir ATZ (soft reset to NV settings) OK ATM0 (turn off the speaker) OK AT&W (save settings to NV RAM) OK ~. If you're using the atdialer, edit the file: /usr/spool/uucp/default/your_modem and change the modem init string to include "M0." Hardware Solution: Open the modem with a screwdriver or can opener. Cut one wire going to the loudspeaker. Reassemble modem with remaining screws or duct tape (whichever is more convenient). Software Solution: RTFM the printed manual and select several pages of technobabble to sacrifice. Rip out these pages and shove into the modem speaker. Wrap with duct tape. Hacker Solution: Find ice pick. Stab speaker until dead. Note: This may void your warranty. MSDOS/Windoze Solution: It's a feature, not a bug. The noise is there for your own good. We know what's good for you. This feature will be fixed in the next release. NT Solution: Run reg32edt and add the undocumented key to: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESystemCurrentControlSetServicesClassModem0001AlmostThereDontGiveUpNowInit as: TurnOffTheStupidSpeaker=1 Kid's Solution: Position modem with speaker facing upward. Pour pancake syrup into speaker. This will greatly reduce the high frequency response of the speaker thus attenuating the sound. Programmers Solution: Download the complete Rockwell command set from the modem manufacturer's site and use the bit mapped register functions to disable the speaker. Be sure that the warranty is still active as one mistake may also disable the modem. Policital solution: Call the modem manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a modem that defaults with the speaker turned off. If they refuse, sue them for noise pollution. Fast Solution: Take two needles, two clip leads and a 12volt battery. Observe that the leads of the speaker coil are visible through the grill where they are glued to the cone. Puncture these points with the needles and apply 12volts. The speaker coil will fuse open. Dealer Solution: What you need is the new Fire-Belcher 2000 wiz bang modem with the built in speaker phone and voice command recognition. Just yell at the modem and the speaker will turn off. The ILEC Solution: Noisy modems are a side effect of ancient POTS technology. What you need is ISDN which has no dialtone, touchtones, or obnoxious noises. Just sign here.
laugh it over
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all? Satan: That's what everyone thinks! Lucifer: What about the PC? Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys! Lucifer: Which three? Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!
Ron's-What's the Matter.You Look Worried. Mel:- I Know .I 'm Gonna be Father Ron:-What;s so awful about that? Mel:-nothing -Except my wife doesn't know it yet!
Girls are Hot
Why do sometimes carry Money in their Bosom? Because they want to bank their wealth where it will draw the most interest.
Rock
wut keeaa
|
| Bal Matlab |
Posted
on 01-May-03 01:50 PM
One more,
A sardar once went for a job interview. The manager questions him. He does well in everyone, except for one. SEX- when asked to fill out SEX - the sardar goes 7 times a week.
The manager sees it and explains to him that he should fill out male or female. Then he thinks about it for a while and writes, preferably female but does not matter.
|
| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 01-May-03 09:11 PM
Funny! All sardarji Jokes! :-).
|
| yOuNgBlOoDz |
Posted
on 01-May-03 09:25 PM
i got three question fo ya people answer them
1) once a sarder got pissed off with FISH... HOW does he kill the fish??
2)once agian sardar gets pissed off with BIRD>>> how does he kills the bird?
3) a sarder needs 2 blank printing paper.. but only has one.. ?? how does he get the second one??(hint: he doesnt tears it.. he gets the 2 full blank printing page)
i ll answer them.. if no one comes up with the right answer
yb
|
| hard_ |
Posted
on 01-May-03 09:33 PM
ans:
...
drown the fish..
...
throw down the bird from the cliff...
...
photo copy the blank paper....
...
like the LION ( NO17) joke...
put the man in the oxygen liquid to torture.. oxygen won't let him die, liquid won't let him live....
jokes rule.. in the night where the stars play hide n seek....
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| le chef du nuit |
Posted
on 01-May-03 11:04 PM
jdv
so disapointed in you
such blatant racism
tut tut
|
