| Username |
Post |
| forget-me-not |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 02:47 PM
Arranged marriage has a strange way of making all youngsters squirm. And be reminded, I am referring to those of us, who have a hard time making decisions on something as small as opening a jar of peanut butter. It is truly amazing that these otherwise confused and unsure individuals are adamant in their opinion on this specific topic. And the usual answer is no way, not us.
To be fair, I have to admit that the idea of spending your whole life with someone you barely know, let alone love, is definitely not appealing, for that is the general concept of what arranged marriages mean. But if it is so impractical and stupid, how come this tradition has not been brought to an end? For today, this kind of marriage is still in motion, though it occurs in a reduced scale. The fact that something that seems useless from all faces still continues, leads me to ponder over its significance, and if possible, its sunny side. Isnt it true, that to judge a thing, you must first expose all the benefits as well as the disadvantages?
Being a girl, it is natural for me to speak from the female perspective. And it is unfortunate that this very designation will cause me to one day desert the people, who have given me birth and raised me with so much love and affection, and head to find my place in someone elses home. Yes, its different when you love that someone, know him for all his strengths and weaknesses, know what to expect&.. but what if you dont? The thought may be more morbid than reality, but it is hard for me to imagine leaving everything familiar behind me, and walking into an unknown territory with a stranger.
Childish as I may seem, I wonder how I could ever get adjusted in that sort of situation. What kind of conversations are you going to have? What if you realize you have nothing in common? How are you going to spend the rest of your days knowing you made the wrong choice, but feeling helpless to change it? Will you ever actually learn to love him? It is hard enough loving people as it is, to be forced to do it is absurd. I truly admire people who take this risk, this incredible challenge and make the best out of it.
On the other hand, at least this way, no one would have any qualms about the union. No family crises, no eloping, none of the hype and excitement from which the storylines of many, many Hindi movies have evolved. For as we all know, having the liberty of choosing your own partner does result in some grave misgivings, and there is no one except ourselves to blame. Apart from this one small pro, any other refuses to come to mind.
Concluding with my own opinion, I would say that I do not appreciate other people making my decisions for me, as well meant as it may be, and its unthinkable when it has to do with something as huge as marriage. Youth may affect my viewpoint, but I believe one has the right to choose ones way of living, and face the consequences, either good or bad, of ones choices. Life is too short to waste it pleasing other people, this is a chance that comes but once, and I would wish to marry someone I truly love, irrespective of whether the rest of the world agrees with me. For if marriages were made in heaven, what right do we have, to interfere in Gods work?
As I was reading this I wondered to myself, can love really be arranged?? Whatdo you think? Please put in your comments...
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 03:25 PM
FMN,
I think arranged love marriage (ALM) may be better than love marriage (LM) or arrange marriage (AM) itself. No offense to those who had LM or AM. With ALM one would be better able to convince oneselt, the potential partner, and the parents of both parties. Don't forget that don't do anything to be called before marriage...in jest. Now, the question is if ALM can be arranged? Of course...but you need a broader network and we need to know your criteria about the groom. Lau bhana kasto keta khojeko ho....
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 03:26 PM
please read the third line as
.....to be called stupid....
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| makuro |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 03:30 PM
I think majority of the people who frequent this site are singles so my prediction is this thread will hit century postings.
Living with someone whom you don't know, issue of incompatibility- two many challeges in arrange marriage right? Amazingly I see majority of couples who did arranged marriage happy. Hmmm...I don't know why.
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 03:32 PM
Is anyone here from Kathmandu valley's Newar community? I would like to know the occupational name for who visits one house to other matching potential groom and bride. It is not Lami, but there must be some other terminology called to that person. Someone does it as an occupation in the newar community only in Ktm valley.
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| goredai |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 03:53 PM
Its so important to understand each others sense of humor and values in life before you jump into marriage. Otherwise you'll end up compromising on your values that may ruin your life, just to save your marriage. There is only one life to live and you better live it fully. Don't compromise on things that you don't want to. Marriage is full of compromise(what they say) but I will never get married because of her her vanity, to fulfill my sexual desire or have an attachment to a better family.
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| Learner |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 04:03 PM
Arranged Love marriage, Love marriage, arranged marriage and living together before marraige are all the choices for you - you make your own decisions.
So many ALM's or LM or AM or LT have failed, so many have been success too. So there's no definite answer to say which is the best. It's your own choice which one is best for you. You take the responsibility of success or failure.
I have my own opinion about life, you have another and others have different and so on. But nobody can guarantee which is the best. As far as my opinion, life of freedom is the best one for me. Understanding our mind and taking the right decision is WISDOM. Nature has given us a mind which gets bored after you get it. We should be conscious of this natural character and try to beautify our lives more and more. The understanding between husbands and wives is the most essential factor is married life.
But I would like to tell a joke about our mind getting tired of the same thing.
Mullah Nashuddin was so grateful to his wife when she prepared Bhindi ( Ram toriya ) tarkari. He praised her preparation so much that he hugged his wife His wife was naturally very pleased for appreciation. The next day too, she prepared the same dish and saw mulaah enjoying. The third day again, she wanted to make him happy so ... but today, he just finished all without saying uttering anything. She thought he liked it because he finished them all. The fourth day, again the same dish! Then mullah broke his silence and burst " Do you want to kill me with BHINDI BHINDI...?"
This is our natural habit - we're bored with the same thing.
SO LOVE MARRIAGE, ALM, AM, LIVING TOGETHER ... all bring you to same result.
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| Rastafariya |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 04:07 PM
Birader Bhunte! I and I will take anythin at this point in my life. You is can give I arrange marriage, Unarrange marriage, them Love marriage, Unlove marriage or anythin as long as them come with them beautiful Ladies. Them ladies with soft soft hands and them soft soft voice!
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 05:38 PM
fateko rastapetikot ji, kya ho yo Birader bhaneko?
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| yOuNgBlOoDz |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 05:40 PM
well finally a topic that really wanted meh to run mah mouth.. though its just gonna be a two line.. all i wanna say is... i have seen people getting married to the one they love most.. against their religion.. their parents n all.. but still they fail to keep up with their promises n now divorce.. on the other hand.. i have seen many who accepted the arranged marriage.. their love started after that.. now living happily.. there might be couples of divorce rate. but arrange marriage has most of the time been successful..
no no no no i ain't encouraging ya romeo n juliets.. just spiting the truth out.. the world dont go acccording to ur imagination neither ur dreams. it has its own reality which we people have ta face.. the life aint' like ne hollywood or bollywood movie.. which often ends with happiness.. we have ta face consequences.. which might be awful enuf to be taken care of..
yb
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| hansy420 |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 08:01 PM
I guess it all depends on both individuals...if they're both understanding, flexible, caring..blah blah...etc etc ....consistently....i repeat.....consistently....it'll work...well, most probably it will...your partner may seem to carry all these wonderful qualities(before marriage)...that'd cause you fall in love with this person, but may not b able to maintain the same level of genorosity after marriage...u never know. And pretty much the same for AM.
"a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and with the same person"....heard so....
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 01-Aug-03 08:30 PM
With the LM there is always an excuse for both parties to make a case for divorce for trivial stuff, but it may be rare in AM. AM has its own beauty except dowry related incidents especially in Nepal's Eastern Terai.
ALM is something interesting to study how it works and how sustainable it is. Parents of both parties may give temporary licence under survellance (restrictions applies) their kids to have a love affair for limited period of time say for two weeks to one month, which is sufficient to know each other and decide how one wants to go along with the life partner. It is definitely better than some one marry who he or she has never seen, or spoken.
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| south |
Posted
on 02-Aug-03 04:34 AM
well i think in love marriage both boy and girl enjoy a lot during their relationship before mariage and most probably enjoyed with parents money and they just dream about good life but after marriage these things does nt come true in most of the cases so they get irritated with each other and try to remember their promsies and try to blame each other. i am nt saying all love and arrange are liek this but i have heard and seen such cases. but in case of arrange marriage they start new life and they dotn expect from beginning and both the partner try to make home with thier effort and msot probably will be succesful too but in this case too there are some cases which are nt succssful. and i think divorce rate is higher in love marrige wich is basically ego between lovers and not try to understand each other. and if the marriage is intercaste then case wil be worse as specailly girl has to go to the totally new environmetn and religion.
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| knt |
Posted
on 02-Aug-03 08:17 AM
I beg to differ. While it would be more prudent to tackle things as they come along, as of now --although in any case you have to compromise to make marriage last-- I see arranged marriage to be better of the two choices. Let us look at some stats, shall we? According to this site(research undertaken circa 2001):
http://www.divorcereform.org/gul.html
We can sort of infer that countries where love marriage is more common are more prone to divorce than countries which still hold traditional views and where arranged marriage hasn't been completely eradicated. Japan falls under the latter, whereas the United States under the former. Also, we can see that as Northern the European Country is, the more rampant is this problem. Case in point, Greece vs Sweden. And do not forget the East-West divide.
So, Forget me Not ji, will you ever be certain that the person you've fallen in "love" with is THE ONE, the soul mate that you're looking for, or is there always an inkling of possibility that HE is not the one? The latter is indeed what happens most often, and more than likely, your love is gonna be faux-love, based on infatuation and false promises and all that jazz. How many Romeo and Juliets do you happen to know? Not many, I presume, because finding your soulmate is like digging for a needle in a haystack, or like winning the lottery. The chances are slim to none. Once you come to realize this,wham! you'll hit reality and you're gonna feel desolate and guilty for not listening to your parents! Are you willing to face the consequences and stigmas for not listening to your parents? Let's weigh the two sides shall we?
1. If you go for the man you "love"(which might not even be love..infatuation gone for too long, if you prefer), you might not please your parents, and your love for the guy might fade out. On the other hand
2. If you go for arranged marriage, you will not face any social problems, although there is the possibility that your husband is an utter douche bag. But if you get along(which is the case MOST OFTEN) it's all heaven to you.
So, please pick one.The choice is between love before marriage or love after marriage.
Plus, please eschew generalizing only from some select coterie that you're in contact with. There are many out there who are proud proponents of arranged marriage.
I happen to be a conformist, who believes that traditional values need to be preserved with all might, and that modernism is the primary cause for social decadence.
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| lonely |
Posted
on 02-Aug-03 10:28 AM
The question" can love be arranged?"
I think i would say yes and No...actually both.
If we see our Nepali society, most poeple have marriage-love , meaning starting to love your wife/husband after marriage, the main point of arrange marraige.
But if you talk about ALM, does this not fall under love marriage? The varios alternatives of converting a Love affair into a marraige, this is one of the option the other one would be flying marriage, and or temple marraige, or even court marriage.
I belive that love can be arranged,and I am a strong believer of that. To me, I don't really believe in love at first sight at all. It takes time and interactions for me to be in love. I need to know and understand my partner better to be in love...not just a crush or anything like that.
I do not agree that most Love marriages are not successful, neither are most arranged marriages successful There isn't a hard and fast formula which could measure this. But what I think important is the amount of understanding between the partners that makes a marriage work.
So no matter which option you choose to tie your knots, the amount of sacrifice, and understanding would determine the sucess of your marraige.
I still believe that love can be arranged.
always lonely,
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| dhananjya |
Posted
on 03-Aug-03 08:37 AM
Dear friends,
Can love be arranged? What do you think?----This question sound little oddl to me. I am involving this type of discussions, for the first time, so I beg your pardon if i am saying something unreasonable.
Love is a state of mind. Its absence of negativities like hatred, ill will, animosity. If the mind is free from hatred, ill will, animosity, at that time there is love in it. Love is pure state of mind. So if love is present in somebodys mind, its for one and all. No discrimination. Christ loved to Simon as well as Judas. He could not last his anger even for those who crucified him. Buddha could not generate anger towards Ajatsatru, Kokalik and Devadatta, who tried to kill him. All in all, love is one phase of mind. As long as love presents in mind, mind is dwelling in happiness. Love and negativities of mind can't go simultaneously because mind can only be in one phase at a time.
This is compassionate love. This love expects no return. Its one way traffic. It is self dependent. This love can be achieved by cleansing the defilements of mind. Its not easy.
Pure Love is for one and all, its boundless.
There is another love, which comes with passion. Or passionate love. I guess, we are talking about this impure love. Its impure because its the cause of restlessness. Happiness comes from calm mind. Gita saysNATTHI SANTI KUTO SUKHAM. Or if no peace, how can you expect happiness. Restlessness and peace are opposite words. So never expect happiness, if your mind is not at rest. Defiled mind can never be in rest. But we are the one who want happiness in impure state of mind. Let me explain this:
This impure love is not self dependent. It depends always on the other. Let me say it is selfish love. It wants something in return. Its not one way traffic. So far you are getting desirable you keep loving, as soon as undesirable happens to you, you quit the love. Tell me whom you love? To yourself or to someone? Think, use mind. The correct answer is one loves oneself only. One loves ones own dreams. So far someone is aid to fulfilling ones dreams and ones interests he or she is lovely otherwise not. Girl thinks she will get happiness from boy and the boy thinks he will get happiness from the girl. Both of them are just thinking of getting. No one is thinking of giving. They are doing an automatic business, which they are unaware of.
In the beginning when they are in love, they share pleasure so they find each other admiring. All the pleasures have limit, mind changes its phases time to time. Sometime anger, sometime fear, sometime jealousy, sometime inferity complex, sometime superity complex, you name it. As soon as these complex states comes in the mind one loses balance of the mind and becomes agitated. A agitated person shares its agitation to one and all. The spouse is closest so she or he will be the first victim. Wise spouse takes the agitation as mental illness. So out of compassion he or she helps the partner to come out of the agitation. But this is very rare case. Most of the spouses share the agitation. This repeats again and again and finally some of them break up. This is the root of failure of conjugal life. Do you think that you can understand each others complexes in short time? Complexes are so deceiving my friends. If one is not inter inspecting, one oneself even does not know he or she has complexes.
Let me divide married life like this:
1.Happiest married life: a life lead by Gandhi ji and Kastur Bai. Living for other. Trying to give happiness to other. They were not expecting anything from each other. The love between them should be one way traffic (I am talking about Gandhi and Kustur Ba, after the Satyaghraha).
2.Happy married life: where both spouses wise. In other language, they have good understanding. They do most of the thing which is good for themselves and good for the other around them. In another word, they have complexes on their mind but complexes are under control.
3.Normal married life: one of them is wise. Or one of them is less reactive. Or you can say one of them ignores others fault or say tolerate other. This life is ok life. Most of the people have this type of married life. In this case, one has good control over ones emotions but another is overwhelmed by the emotions.
4.Unsuccessful married life: both of them are reactive. If they live together, there is real hell. In this case both of them doll of mental negativities.
This is the reason, that there is no absolute answer for the question. Some love marriage as well as some arrange marriage goes unsuccessful. It depends what type of person you are. You can love after marriage also, if you are wise ie if you have capacity to tackle the mental complexes. You love someone, but you may not continue if you are not wise ie if you get overwhelmed by mental complexes.
This is not my view. This is reality. This is science. These laws works for one and all. I hope some of you will be benefited.
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| lonely |
Posted
on 04-Aug-03 04:32 PM
I was just wondering on what Moist would think about love marraiges.
For details please see:
http://www.kantipuronline.com/Nepal/Nepalmag.htm
The article talks about new alternatives from moist for whose who cannot do love marriage.
I think its worth the time reading about this.
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| Sadabichar |
Posted
on 13-Aug-03 02:21 PM
I totally agree with Dhanajya!! Well written.
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| lonely |
Posted
on 13-Aug-03 05:35 PM
so what is the conclusion?
----- CAN LOVE BE ARRANGED----
state of confused mind re kya,
always lonely
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| dhananjya |
Posted
on 14-Aug-03 12:46 PM
Dear Sadabichar,
you are one of the traveller of absolute path of reality, so no wonder why you are appreciating me. and you also know that this is reality not my view. appreciated.
Dear lonely ji,
please read that again carefully. if you could not find the answer, i will love to give comperhenshive explaination.
dhananjya
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