| Username |
Post |
| SITARA |
Posted
on 19-Oct-03 07:01 PM
"So, what did you learn from your American friends?", asked the elderly man with a teasing twinkle in his eyes? I bristled, but replied sweetly "they are/can be as good as my other friends!". He laughed aloud at my fiesty answer. That was Professor Richard Harvey Brown of UMD, a lively, scholarly and very witty man renowned for his critical thought on post modern thought and society. I had met him at a party, which I had attended with some friends. I did not know who he was nor that he carried such distinguished reputation. Soft spoken and yet every sentence delivered with a certain deliberation, he knew how to get to you. He had been observing me as I entered the party scene and stood at the corner to survey the assorted groups of people.
Richard had approached me with a string of Spanish and then at my bewilderment, had translated, "I assume you are a student of sociology!'. He spoke three languages and confessed that he liked French the most. I accused him of being a Francophile and too presumptous for a professor of sociology. He had lived in India for 6 months and was in the process of writing a book on India. I confessed that I was skeptical of Western writers breezing through Asia and coming up with skewed versions of "Asia, in a nutshell", quickie books. Richard was unfazed (more amused at my candid reply) and struck up a deal with me; I was to read his unedited, unfinished book and give my "frank" opinion on it. A friendship was struck.
It was a strange friendship of an advisor and an advicee (although, I had never taken his classes), of a scholar and student but he always treated me with respect and as an equal. Much of Richard, I did not know except that he was a scholar. It was not my place to ask about his personal life but, when "The Complete Works of Isaac Babel" by the Russian, writer came out. I found out he was married to Babel's daughter. Soon, little pieces of personal information was shared. We had a mutual trust... based on friendship. Richard had a brilliant mind and loved to share his perspectives on social structures and power struggles. One day during his musings, he said, " Oh Sitara, by the way, I found out I have cancer; the doctor has given me 6 months to live". I blinked at him and my eyes filled up. There was nothing to say. Words were not enough.
When I went to Kathmandu last year, I lit 108 diyas for him at Banglamukhi; he had asked that I do so.
Despite his pain, he was still teaching at UMD. I would go and visit him with some cooked food. He did not want to talk about his illness but he always asked me " Tell me Sitara, what you have learned from life". I would say, "We are born with zero and end with zero; in between, it is the quality of life we lead, that makes the difference!" He would be silent then. Some nights, he would call me from the hospital incoherent with pain killers, "Talk to me about positive visualization". I sensed his state of mind. He had become my father figure, my mentor, and as I watched helplessly, he steadily drifted away.
Last week, I got a call, "Richard died, Sitara!". I was NOT prepared. I am NOT prepared now. He was in the same city and yet, I never got a chance to say goodbye. I know, he is in a better place, but has left a gaping void in my life leaving me with a memento of an unedited, unfinished book on India. A void that only he could fill as a friend, mentor, father, teacher and advisor!
May the energies of the universe bless him and his family!
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 19-Oct-03 07:09 PM
Sitara, Oh! Sorry, that's a big loss to you. I pray God for a peace of the departed soul.
bhunte
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| Biswo |
Posted
on 19-Oct-03 09:38 PM
"We are born with zero and end with zero; in between, it is the quality of life we lead, that makes the difference!"
With that stoic observation for birth and death, and with a glowing eulogy for what he did in his life, you have said a lot for the deceased soul.May his soul rest in peace.
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| disco |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 08:01 AM
A moment of friendship can take you on a ride to an eternity of absolute bond, Sitara ji, you not only tapped a positive visualization into him but struck up that "strange friendship" between the two zero's that may well have sublimed into infinity.
Sorry to hear about the loss. I am very touched by your writing.
Disco.
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 08:11 AM
One word- poignant !
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| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 08:23 AM
Thanks for spreading the memories of this wonderful person to form new memories of reading of him among us sajhaites, Sitara dijju! He lives still -- in all who remember him!
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| disturbed psyche |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 01:18 PM
disturbed psyche is more disturbed when the starting and an ending Zero smacked his abnormal neuropeptide.still he knows one little thing: he added two zeros and found another Zero as thier sum...how on earth is this possible..add two equal numbers to end up with the same unique number.....he thought twice, if not thrice and this lit in his brain: life is a HUGE calculation that requires a big effort and the biggest effort finally leads to a BIG ZERO. well, today onwards i will devote my self to achieve that BIG Zero with a quality..may be with a 4.0 GPA...is that not a quality...???
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| KaLaNkIsThAn |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 02:12 PM
Hmmm... I'm very sorry to hear about that...
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| dautari |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 02:20 PM
A touching story. I don't know whether "story" is a right for word this account of a remarkable friendship. Well, Sitara, Richard may have died but his friendship and his memory will never die - living forever in your heart. May God Bless His Soul.
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| Poonte |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 02:27 PM
Sitara,
It is the time to rejoice his intellect, his knowledge, his compassion, and all the other good things about him...NOT the time to grieve! Be strong and honor his soul by living the principles that he may have introduced you to, that you found yourself profoundly affected by. He lives in you, and in many more people he may have touched during his life.
-A
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| Binay |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 02:56 PM
Sitarajee, Very moving narration. It came at the time when the word "mentorship" has been crossing my mind a lot lately. I believe true mentorship indeed have the most profound effect on the life of a graduate student. Some get lucky and others never get to know anything like that. My thoughts are with you.
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 03:55 PM
As usual, it has been my trend to return to appologize for the typos; those that which could have been removed had I been diligent and meticulous in using the Word program. Oh well, some habits remain!
Friends, thank you! Yes, I have been extremely fortunate in having known a person like Dr. Brown. And yes, I am all the more richer for the experience.
Even more amazing, is all of your responses. Some of you, I have met and others, I have read. And yet, through the course of this one year, I feel I have made new friends with whom I share a connection; it is a common bond of sharing what it means to be human. Having read and interacted with most of you, I have learned the values of empathy and goodwill from those known and unknown well wishers.
Thank you for allowing me to express my anguish over the loss of a mentor.
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| Bal Matlab |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 04:12 PM
khai ke bhanu, just don't know what to say.. was quite heart breaking.
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| saday |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 05:33 PM
Sitara Ji,
I am very sorry to hear about Richard. As you said, May the energies of the universe bless him and his family. And may those energies give strength to you to and his other friends to cope with the loss. Life can be such a bitch sometimes. Please forgive my French (bitch). I have a similar kind of loss in my life, and this posting made me very very sad to realize one more time how much this whole process suck.
After being in the USA for a significant period of time and hearing about my dads disease and hes doing better now and he is not doing well lately for more than a year, one day I heard a shocking news from my mother that my dad is in his last stage and he would like to see me. Until then I was not aware that the disease was so serious. And obviously everyone was lying to me until then because they thought I would panic and would hurt my studies.
It took me about 5 days to get the necessary papers and the ticket fixed until I sat on the plane. All the way to Nepal I was thinking that I will do this for my dad, I will say this, I will talk about this and that and thinking about lots of memories with my dad
When I was at the Tribhuvan Int. Airport and was waiting for my languages to get passed through the custom, an officer who knew my dad came close to where I was and told the officers to hurry up because I need to go to kriya . I was shocked. At that point, I did not know whether the officer was telling the truth or making it up so the other officers would rush up the process. Anyway, when I got out of the airport I saw the sad face of my sister and my best friend waiting for me outside the airport. I was so scared to ask anything so I just sat on the car and my sister told me about the sad news. I was shocked. I did not know how to handle that news because I was never prepared. I always thought that if something like that would happen to me I would cry, I would get mad, I would smash something or something. But nothing like that happened. I was calm and I was shocked and I did not know how to react. I was out of this world for like half hour until I reached home.
When I went home, I saw my mom on white sari and lots of people around her for giving their condolences. I then believed that it is true that my dad is dead, but my unconscious mind did not. All the time, I was in kriya part of my mind kept thinking that dad is around in the garden like he always used to be, or upstairs in the library room as usual when I was living there. It was hard for me to believe that he is not around anymore because I hadnt seen him for years, and I did not know about how he looked like in his last stage or anything because everything was hidden from me by my families and relatives as I might get distracted on my purpose rayyy and dad did not want that.
Anyway, later at the Kriya they talked about how much my dad wanted to see me on his last stage and was asking if I have arrived until he left this world. I heard all those talking about how much he had to suffer at his last stage and how painful was it for him. I used to call his several times but despite of that severe pain he used to laugh on the phone and not tell me that he is in pain.
Just like you Sitara ji, I was not prepared and I did not get to say good bye either. Last time I saw him was at the airport when I was leaving Nepal for the first time a long time ago. However, I can still hear his voices and his picture in my mind is still fresh. My mind still does not believe that he is dead but I sure miss him a lot.
Life is such a bitch. Pardon my French again.
Love,
Saday
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| sankaa |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 05:45 PM
dymmmnn sitara and saday.. i am sorry to hear about your losses.. my condolences....
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| Poonte |
Posted
on 20-Oct-03 06:55 PM
Saday,
I cannot thank you enough for having the courage to share your tremendously heart-breaking story here. I hope writing here has helped you to overcome some of your left-over grief -- after all, talking/writing about emotional distress sure helps to abate the pain a little -- even though you may never get over the emotional calamity that you had to go through completely.
Most importantly, your sad story once again reminds us all -- especially the ones who are abroad -- that we may never get the opportunity to let our loved ones know how much we love them, or how much we appreciate their love. It reminds us to appreciate life, the ones whom we love and the ones who love us more now -- if we wait to show our appreciation, it may be too late.
Once again, I am truly sorry about your dad and what you had to go through. Please know that you have touched at least my heart tonight.
Poonte.
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| john doe |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 08:32 AM
Sitara and Saday, very poignant stories. Thanks for sharing them with us.
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| disco |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 08:44 AM
Saday ji, coming form the similar situation, my heart goes out to you and your family. It has been a long time for me, but I cherish my unconscious for not accepting the tragedy, and I think its because of it that I am still around. Kee garne?? life drags on and on and on, even when you think it would not if something like that did happen. Thanks for sharing.
disco.
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| Bhunte |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 08:47 AM
Saday bro, I am with you, but we have to move on. What is left with us is only memories at the end.....
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| ebony_firefly |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 08:59 AM
a touching piece.
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| ebony_firefly |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 09:00 AM
a touching piece.
life is so fragile~
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| dautari |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 09:03 AM
Life is fragile ... that's right. We know our life here on earth will come to an end one day but we are never prepared for it. Like Woody Allen once said: "I am not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
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| ruck |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 09:05 AM
Dijju,
Ekdam dukkha lagyo... you were fortunate to have had a friend like him.
May his soul rest in peace ...
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 09:29 AM
Saday:
My condolences to you again. I do remember the time when we shared some moments of thoughts on life and its intricacies. I think it was 4/5 months back in Sajha chat. Your distress had touched me then; I did not know the whole tragic story. Thank you for sharing and trusting us with your loss.
I don't think that "life is a bitch", neither do I think it is unfair. I just feel, occasionally, we forget that the only Permanance in this world is Change! Acknowledging the existence of change allows flexibility in thought, mind and body. Ironically, loss/es seem to occur especially when we feel grounded in our expectations.
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| VincentBodega |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 10:59 AM
Sitaraji and Sadayji,
Sorry to know about the immense loss. Hope and pray that the strength to cope with the events will match the loss thats been there.
Sadayji, I dont know what to tell you. I know theres nothing that I can say that will make things better for you. I also know that things will never be the same. I am not gonna lie to you and say things will be better tomorrow. I will definitely tell you one thing that things will change and I hope that change brings a strength to deal with this irreplacable loss.
We are all trying to get the bests of this world. Western education and Eastern values. Sometimes seems like in this quest we tend to have to face the unthinkable.
Again, I am really sorry to hear about the loss.
-- BV
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| isolated freak |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 12:13 PM
Sitara,
yestai cha jiwan..cest la vie..
may his soul rest in peace.
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| isolated freak |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 12:17 PM
"aayo tappa tipyo, lagyo miti pugyo
tarera tardaina tyo"
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| L-a-x |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 12:38 PM
Sad to read the above stories....I had read Sitara's version some time back but didnot know how and what to respond except feeling sorry for her.
Today, now in my work, after reading Sadayji' s postings, I am into tears...I couldnot control it....Sadayji....I know how painful it is to be in such a situation....once again sorry to hear this.
May the souls rest in peace...
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| suva chintak |
Posted
on 21-Oct-03 12:46 PM
Saday jyu,
All I can say is I feel your pain, I was there myself not too long ago.
Sitara jyu,
So sorry. Losing a good friend is so tough, they are so hard to come by.
To pain then!
SC
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| DHANANJAYA |
Posted
on 22-Oct-03 02:36 PM
Dear Saddy,
I am sorry for that, I was so busy so could not be with you on time. I have passed through similar situation shortly but my story is different, and long, I will tell some day in free time.
Sitara Ji,
I am sorry for your professor.
Here is something from me for all sajha friends:
Sun rises, day brakes and then it sets.
One day I am closer to my death.
I always see the misery around me,
sickness, failure, death, old age and agony.
I hardly think I have to pass through all these phases.
I hardly scare from those bitter, unavoidable truths of the life.
Unmindful, heedless, thoughtless, recklessly wait to ripe.
Wise ones realize and look for solution.
Strive to eradicate cause of misery, mental pollution.
What comes that goes this is law of nature.
To be protected from grieve, they take safety measure.
Fools mere talk but they never act.
When the sky falls then they react.
Dhananjaya
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 22-Oct-03 03:00 PM
Sitara jyu, had read this piece right after its inception.didn't know what to write then....I am not a good person in consoling! all I know now is, We Live, We learn!
Saday dai,
When I heard the news, I was in such a state of shock. The only thing I knew then was You were somewhere in US. I had put myself then in such a situation and imagined what I'd do..and frankly, I knew i wouldn't be able to handle it. I thought about it for a very long time. After interacting with you, I have known the "real you" and like poonte dai says, it is such a courageous thing to write about your personal experience that we can all relate to at some point in life.
However, I have been amazed by your poise and perseverence through all this. I know like someone said before, things will never be the same again, but again, I hope time will heal. I cannot thank this sajha and its forum enough to have met you out of the blues, and developed the bond which we hardly developed in our childhood. I am sure your experience will help consoling and provide strength to many wretched people in similar circumstances. Thanx for sharing your perspective of such a poignant, personal loss.
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 23-Oct-03 07:33 AM
Sitara, very sad!! May his soul rest in peace:|
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