| Username |
Post |
| patali |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 11:34 AM
LOVE...what is it actually?...Is there any fixed way to love a person..Is there any rigid definition of love..Isn't love something we feel in our heart and we define it according to our situation and perception...That was what I used to think years ago when I was just occupied with my studies, and my ultimate destination...I did not even give much concentration on so called* partying*,hanging out, dating, and all kinds of name one may have for socialising. I used to hear some comments from my friends.."..kasto keti ta "..ali ali date garda ke nai bigrinchha ra"..blah blah... Did I not have feeling of love deep in my heart or was I too scared to go up to a person I liked ? Then one day, I got answers to all my questions when I accidently met a person at airport. Everything is so fresh in my memory when I first met this strange person. It was a cold winter day, I was in my heavy coat, The day was quite depressing. I got in a line to get smoothie...Then I heard a person who was ahead of me talking in Nepali " kasto mitho chha ni yo smoothie"...that was the first time I have ever met any nepalese in US in such a strange manner. Being a nepali, I felt really great when I got to hear nepali words in the airport. I felt like I was in lap of my motherland. I broke the silence between the man and a little kid and got involved in their smoothie talking. I introduced myself with a firm handshake., talked for couple of minutes until their departing time. I gave a cute hug to a little kid who he was holding. I assumed she was his daughter. She was cute and freindly, started calling me " Dijju" right after she heard me talking in Nepali. I kept thinking of the cute smile she had during my flight...Time passed by, I was occupied with my work, and barely recalled that visit for a long time. Sometimes, probably once in a blue moon, I recalled the stranger's cute smile. About a year ago, I was in one of the nepali's gathering at some eastern state.I got introduced to a person by one of my freind, we started talking some random stuffs. He asked me for a dance, blah blah......and we exchanged ouraddresses. we remained in touch even after we got back to our home states. For some reason, I found him always reserved and felt like he was trying not to talk to me and ignore me. I finally decided to back off...and hence decided never to be in touch again..I was out of contact with him, even though I used to think of him quite often. On a sunny day in spring,I met him online all of a sudden ..started talking as a casual friend..he apologised for not being in touch..things worked out just fine..and again we started being a good freind...He was totally changed , the way he used to talk, his acts..just surprised me for couple of days. he decided to visit me at my place during his spring break...When he saw one of my picture at the airport where I first met the little girl and a man, he said". u know what... I am having a hunch that I have already met you somewhere"....we started off talking , then I found out that he was the same person I met while I was getting smoothie....Time passed by, we got into a so called *love*.. we were ina long distance relation. Sometimes, he did not feel good and did not talk to me as the way he always used to...someother times I was rude and did not talk to him due to my own problems. Dispute started arousing between us as time went by, he felt like whatever I had for him was just fake. Things was not same as what we used to have. He was not same romantic, caring person I met and fell in love with. We were in disputes even in a phone,couple of hour phone talks started decresing to couple of minutes and eventually it stopped. We were out of contact again for the second time after we met each other....I tried to forget about him.. I always cried sitting in an isolated room recalling times we had together, recalling the commitements and vows we made togther. I recalled every words he used to say about how much he loves me, how strong our relation was that no force could ever break it...Was that a strong realtion which got ruined just because I was not talking in my usual way due to some stress? Was that a strong love he had for me? I am sure some of you in sajha itself have gone through long -distance relaion,or some of you may be going through it at present. If you are then ask couple of question to yourself before you get into any commitement. Do you really love the person you think you are in love with from your inner heart? If for some reason, your man/women gets upset with his/herproblems and change in her talking style, then would you think that your partner's love was just a fake one? and get upset and decide to leave him/her alone? if the answer to above question is a positive one then, it is not love what you have for them. If you think that the other person's love is just a fake one just because of some of their personal problems, and you decide to leave him/ her alone then you will not be any different than my strange love. He thought my love was a fake one, had he tried to be in my shoes and considered my situation, he would never have thought that. .....several years has passed since this has happened to me... I was always amazed by the way he left ,and even more amazed to find a parcel by him when I got back after a tidious work last night. There was a long letter, and a rose written with " I STILL LOVE YOU".......Strange acquaintance is my strange love indeed.
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 12:23 PM
Prem Pujari Patali;)
Phewwww...balla balla sakiyo. Tehi bhayera moti bata patali bhaye jasto cha:P Keep goin.. never stop...do not get strayed away from your goal. Everything happens for a reason.. Your ex-myaan maynot come back, but you will certainly find another one, who you may love...from the bottom of your heart.
La ta.. good luck:-)
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| john doe |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 12:30 PM
Nice story! I hope your love for him is rekindled by his gesture, and that one of these days you can end your story with an ".....and we lived happily ever after". :)
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| ru |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 12:42 PM
Patali,
to your first question , what is love, I guess it is like a sports car; when it is new, it is fast, shiny, and often overrated in terms of its performance while the true quality surfaces later after a few dents here and there, when the milage starts declining. Unfortunately, it is only when the road is winding and with lotta uphills and downhill that its true pickup is recognized and a few testdrives, if any, exposes it to that extreme.
To make matters worse, love is not mass produced; it comes in just too many shapes and sizes, and thus, expert opinions are rarely sufficient. Hence, at the end of day one only can only have two tools to overcome the problem of adverse information: intuition and good luck...hope your story has those.
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| patali |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 01:10 PM
Rustyji.......finding a person is not a big deal if we are in a desperate need for whatsoever reason it may be... Is .love something u can get rid of just because u have a new man/woman in your life?...I totally agree with Ru ji your analogy of love iwth sports car indeed comes to be very true in this materialistic world. Everything seems to be compared with material and it's usefulness. unfortuantely, people buy a new car without even recognising it's truepick up value in winding and twisting up and down hill.
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 01:36 PM
Oops Patali, you miscontrued me here.. Abuii..kyaa diko ni;)
In fact, what I said was you would find somebody in your journey. You got to move on with or without any love (in that sense). I know a true love and relatioship cannot be forgotten easily and replaced with new one. However, if your relationship got putrid with somebody, then there must something wrong in that amity. In this situation, you can diagnose relationship problems and try to resolve it. If you want to get back to your massive crush, you should create a situation where you both can feel comforatable and reunite. I didn't say that you should necessarily look for somebody else for his replacement. But, do not ruin your life for futile people, for whom you do not have 100% feelings.. LOVE IS LOVE, THERE IS NO RIGHT AND WRONG DEFINITION OF LOVE, and LOVE IS CRAZY;;;;;;;;;)
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| ssNY |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 01:42 PM
Who was the kid you saw with him that day at the airport having smoothie? You thought she was his child? Curious...
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| patali |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 01:47 PM
true true..very true rustyji........By the way..how do u know when you have 100% feeling for anyone??...just curious coz..u sound to be very experinced in love or atleast some part of ** love**.....lol..:0
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| patali |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 01:49 PM
Ssny ji.....khoi tee balika ko parin tyo chhain thhabhayena..kahihle bhatne mauka nai paina.... are u wondering if it was you??........:)
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| L-a-x |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 02:05 PM
patali,
A nice one indeed...and your questions are valid...what is love? IS it real love and ???
Maile uhile padya thiye, love is like the moon, if it doesnot increase, it decreases re...and as time passes, the speed gets slower.....but that doesnot mean it will stop or pause...it all depends on the 2 people invloved.
I was trying not to respond to this love threads, one of my sajha friend said.....tapai ko ho bhanera thaha pai halinchha...love sambandi ma sure comment hunchha re....so I am trying not to write on such stuffs....
Patali, I wish you all the luck that your love comes back...
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| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 02:26 PM
Patali,
Love is indeed a very convoluted emotion. However, from reading your narrative, i just have one suggestion. one of the most salient reasons why relationships turn sour is lack of communication. in your story, you mentioned that there were moments when you were tense and therefore spoke rudely to him. and also from his side, he came across as distant which you (mis)construed as uncaring. the common denominator that i see here is that neither of you attempted to "communicate" what you just did in this story. the gesture of the letter and the rose are non verbal communicators from his side. couples who often and at the outset of a problem convey the reasons for their particular behavior to the other are reported to have slimmer chances of misunderstanding each other. I will refer you to the works of Macmurray, a social psychologist, who proposed that the basic model of human relationships consists of:
1. fear for self
2. concern for the other
As human beings, we are constantly "conscious" or concerned about our self-presentation to others. This concern arises from our "fear for self," which is the fear of vulnerability. Somehow, we don't trust the other person however much we may claim that we do. At the same time, we do have concern/care for the other. Now, the dynamics of any relationship is built on the relative power structure between pts. 1 and 2. If pt. 1 DOMINATES pt. 2, that is if our fear for ourself overcomes our concern for the other, then we have the kinds of misunderstandings that I tried to point out in your narrative. On the other hand, if pt. 2 DOMINATES pt. 1, where our concern for the other is much greater than our fear for self, then a mutually beneficial relationship can be achieved. Now, it's not an easy task! Human beings have a tough time relinquishing this apparently primitive "fear for self." What we CAN do is try, by means of communicating, not YELLING or DOMINEERING the other person, but showing that we are hurt or are going through tough times and need the other's support. This undoubtedly and for many of us exposes us to that "feared" state of vulnerability. But because our concern for the other (if you love the other person) is what matters to you, the vulnerability diminishes in its importance and becomes less menacing. At the same time, we must also *acknowledge* the other's position, which may be equally sensitive both for you and him/her, to give the person that feeling that you CARE about him/her. I understand that it is again NOT an easy task and requires the other person to be equally sensitive to what you're about to say to him/her. But it's a dynamic of human relationships that is most effective rather than the yelling and shouting that most couples do when times are rough. And because you are in a relationship already, which means there was some binding aspect that brought you two together, it shouldn't be difficult to communicate on the terms suggested above.
Good luck!
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| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 02:33 PM
I apologize if I sound like I'm lecturing. I keyed into your repeated questions about the fact that your tension ridden replies made both you question whether your love for him was Real or Fake. And each time such rudeness arose, it seems it was negated by 1. your online chat and 2. the gesture you received last night.
In good faith.
Simplegal
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| Rosie |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 06:45 PM
"Then I heard a person who was ahead of me talking in Nepali 'kasto mitho chha ni yo smoothie'..."
That sounds so funny...hahahaha
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| ujol sherchan |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 08:03 PM
Thailand on my mind
Please do not speak of womanhood
As if it were a secret only to whispered
In the dead of night
I do not speak of manhood
Honor or chivalry anymore
And I do not even qualify as a gentleman
The point is: there is no mystery
And this is progress
But it is better this way, dont you think?
When we know what we want
And what we can/cannot afford
We both circle each other
Seeking to maximize our kicks
Relationship lies on the table like a sealed bid
Let us cut to the chase
And bypass Plath and Neruda altogether
Cause time is money
I admit: you are as fair as vanilla icecream
And I like vanilla
And you say: I am as bland as an ashtray
And you do smoke
Double coincidence of wants
And our prices stamped on our foreheads
Nothing can stop us from transacting!
There are no trade barriers
This is not Cancun
This is Pattaya
We know we are going to get our fair prices finally!
After millennia of injustice, you say
I say hallelujah! this is progress
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| saunak |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 08:14 PM
Well couldn't resist it, so I'm chiming in. Love, wow! This is the energy that keeps everyone going. That must be the reason why a Nepali poet wrote--
I always wanted to live an unedited life
But love made me edit it
I cannot escape it, who can?I cannot remember the whole thing.
So, if you want to live an unedited life, then dont fall in love. But can you not fall in it? So the solution is keep going, keep editing your life. Saunak.
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| CN |
Posted
on 05-Nov-03 09:02 PM
Love happens without even knowing it's happening.
I used to feel When am I going to find my love? but I found it when least expected.
I don't know if there's any particular definition of love written in a text book or in a dictionary. Definition of love will differ from person to person, Some might say," it's an obligation". others might say, "it's compromise". few might say, "loving is caring." many might say," loving is being there." For me love is a little bit of everything mentioned above plus whole lotta other ingredients such as sex, fights, arguments, guidance, comfort, expressions, cooking, helping etc.
The only way to find out if you have had a perfect or nice love life is to look back in time and be able to say, "Oh! I loved her/him so much, I wish if he/she is with me right here, right now. I would give anythng to grow older with him/her"
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| bideshi |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 08:09 AM
Patali,
I don't think u guys r or were in love.Looks like he is already married to some other lady as u mentioned a kid.That means there is someone in his life besides you.And must be already married to her.That means he loves her before you.Maybe he was just attracted towards you.And since u let him lead the way,he was drawn,but later he realised his family is more precious to him than you,he didn't contact you.Maybe he doesn't want to mess his life with you.
I think that guy is some weak character fellow.It looks like when ever he gets tired of his spouse,he contacts you.If he was really in love with you,he wouldn't stop contacting you no matter what.He wants to be in your life,atleast want to know how you r doing ,not just stop contacting you for years and suddenly enter in your life with all so called excuses.
Maybe u r in love,but please stop doing that .He is married.Don't get carried away.Just be practical and finally what I want to tell you is no ,you guys are not in love.U guys r just infatuated.This is not love.
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| Deep |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 08:43 AM
Simple Gal,
Life and all of its abstract attributes are too complicated to be theorized. Idealism is not what the life is based on. "What is" probably does much better job in defining life at-large than "what should be". Conflicting abstract signals and interpretations wrangle all the time for domination within one's life.
In summary-No book/theory can define life. Please note, I am disrespecting your field of interest or knowledge.
You mention "one of the most salient reasons why relationships turn sour is lack of communication". True. Good theory and works, in relative term, number of times but for it to work many other variables have to be in proper places. This -having variables in proper places- is quite a complex issue cuz you don't always have control over the engaged or potential variables . At times you can't even address those variables that are based on you, forget about other variables beyond your jurisdiction. I have always resented when people tell me definition (of abstract things in particular) of this and that. I can accept their theories for them but not for me.
["you" in above paragraph does not mean "simple gal". the pronoun is used just to denote the concept of a person].
Just my thought. I am no pundit. Like I have said in another thread "..But what do I know beside those few stinky gallis of hadigau?..". Now, I have become a stranger even among those gallis where I thought I belonged.
Patali,
Enjoyed reading. May I suggest one thing to you? Just one thing. Could you please present your thought in paragraphs? I was scared and discouraged a bit to read that monotonous looking humongous paragraph. Just a friendly suggestion. Obviously, you don't have to honor if you don't sense validity in my suggestion.
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| ssNY |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 09:16 AM
"I assumed she was his daughter" You never found out who she was - that was why I asked. Some lines in your story doesn't seem to complete, hence the question.
I tend to lean towards bideshi's thoughts. All I want to add is that if a man professes his love to a woman, he's sure to follow up with phone calls, emails or just plain old mails. In most cases, men are more likely to "chase" after women than the other way around. He'd definitely would have followed up with his "love" with you if he truly had even some feelings or real chances with you. Assuming he's a married man, there's no way in hell he could do all he wanted with you even if he wished. Married men (and women) are complicated when they have to jump to a next "love", especially if there's still some feelings for the current partner.
Besides, some long distance contacts you had usually ended up with arguements that led to less and less calls? Were you asking him to leave his "family"? Not that you have to say everything what happened here but, to me, it seemed you were hiding some facts. Even if he is single, just the fact that you guys argued so much say that it is good the relationship doesn't go anywhere. You'd already seen the preview of your life with him, why carry on.
And lastly, the rose with a note "I still love you" should go straight in your trash can together with your feelings for him. He could still love you but if he cannot move to where you are or vice versa, love is only a feeling of abstractness that does not do any good. Feelings of closeness to each other should bring the two of you close together physically as well.
Feeling lovey dovey only is just as same as Hindi actor singing "Yaad aaraha hai, Teri yad Aa ra ha hai"
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| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 09:38 AM
Deep,
Thank you for your insight. I am not a guru of life. No one is. It's all about living and learning! I never impose my field on anyone. Never have. I just offer my side of the story...take it or leave it! Choosing not to subscribe to a particular viewpoint is one thing, but *disrespecting* it is quite another. Pls. DO keep the difference in mind!
In peace.
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| Deep |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 10:09 AM
SimpleGal,
"Choosing not to subscribe to a particular viewpoint is one thing, but *disrespecting* it is quite another." This line caught my attention and I quickly went back to revisit my posting. I suspected what might have provoked such statement from you. And to my embarrassment there it was.....
"Please note, I am disrespecting your field of interest or knowledge. .."
What an error! kata ko kuro kata pugechha. I should have re-read my posting before hitting "submit".
I meant to write "Please note, I am NOT disrespecting your field of interest or knowledge. " How could I disrespect your field of interest or knowledge?
I sincerely apologize for the error.
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| john doe |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 10:18 AM
SG, I'm sure Deep meant to say '...I am NOT disrespecting.....'
Oh, what a difference a little 3-letter word makes!
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| dream_girl |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 10:29 AM
JOHN DOE,
three letter words can change the world upside sown. Has anyone ever said ILU (just 3 letter words) to you?
If yes, then you would realise how much power it has in a 3 letter word....
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| john doe |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 11:03 AM
Miss Dream-girl, I must say I havent yet had the pleasure of having that particular 3-letter word addressed to me by anyone, but I sure have had more than my fair share of some pretty colorful 4-letter words hurled at me by my female *ahem* admirers.
Words may be powerful, Missy, but it does help to have a thick skin. Just ask Bhunte.
;)
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