| Username |
Post |
| patali |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 08:42 AM
"A bus stop and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is Galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once a more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'. "
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| VincentBodega |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 12:48 PM
This is the funniest piece I have heard in a while.
Good one
-BV
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| L-a-x |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 12:56 PM
patali a good one,
keep posting funny stuffs..
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| ssNY |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 01:07 PM
Patali - good to see you get over your love depression so soon. Here's one just to add on to yours. Have no idea where I got it from, but thought it could be enjoyable.
Square Balls
A little old lady went into the bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the manager to open a savings account because it was a lot of money.
After much consideration the bank staff finally ushered her into the manager s office.
The manager asked her how much she would like to deposit. 100,000, she replied and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
Im surprised youre carrying all that money around, said the manager. Where did you get it?
I make bets, said the old lady.
What sort of bets? asked the manager, now becoming curious.
Well, said the old lady. Ill bet you $10,000 that your balls are square.
Thats a stupid bet! laughed the bank manager.
So would you like to take my bet then? challenged the old lady.
"OK," said the manager. I'll bet $10,000 that my balls are not square!"
"Okay, said the old lady. But since theres a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Be my guest!" replied the confident manager.
That night, the manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls; turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the manager's office. She introduced the lawyer to the manager and repeated the bet: "$10,000 says the manager's balls are square!"
The manager agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so that they could all see. The manager did and the little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the manager with a confident grin. "$10,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall and he asked the old lady what was wrong with him?
"Nothing, she replied. Except I bet him $20,000 that at 10am today I'd have my bank managers balls in my hand.
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| patali |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 01:53 PM
SsNy ji...hahhaha..very funny.....wow!!! thats a smart idea.....very smart .......funny.... a nice one...
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| khimu |
Posted
on 06-Nov-03 03:24 PM
very funny guyz.
heres one from me.
Syam Chaudhary goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem doc"
"well" says the Quack, Tell me your average day. Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 0'clock
so we can spend a couple a hours making love before i go to work.
" oh' i see, said the doc". No hang on, said the man, ...... you see , i get the train to work i meet this gurl everyday and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.
"Oh,.... now i see, said the doc". No you don't, said the Chaudhary . When i get to work my secretary really fancies me and i have to give her one in the storeroom.
"Now i understand, said the patient doctor. No, hang on, said the Chaudhary. When i get back to work in the afternoon my boss , a very demanding lady i might add,
has to have me or she says she'll give me the Sack.
"Ahh, said the doctor, now i see". No, thers more, said the Chaudhary. When i get back to home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards.
"whats your problem?. Asked the doc. Well ...., said Chaudhary, it hurts when i masturbate.
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| LaataMora |
Posted
on 07-Nov-03 06:55 AM
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Ritu; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Ramu, he's a doctor.''
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher ... she's dead.'
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| khai_thachaina |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 08:43 AM
ok here goes:
What`s the height of embarassment?............A man running with an erection and breaking his nose first.
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| putali7 |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 02:58 PM
wowwwwwwwwwww nice jokes. I love jokes ni ta:)
anyways. here's for me too!
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
THE END!:)
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| putali7 |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 03:01 PM
another one hai!!
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do Gods work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
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| putali7 |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 03:03 PM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
hehehe:)
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| putali7 |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 03:19 PM
This is the funniest one!
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
:)
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| putali7 |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 03:25 PM
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
(KASTO LAGYO TA MERO JOKE HARU u guys like it? let me know if u want me to post some more hai.) la ta sabailai peace and <3
take care. Have a goooooooooooooood day! always be happy and dont' worry!
<3 Putali
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| confused |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 09:17 PM
hahah putali u sud be a stand up comedian..make lots of money with that stuff..:D all of the jokes were good..la here goes mine hai ta:
"CNN Late Breaking News!
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!
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| Rekha |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 10:37 PM
* STOP SIGN *
One day a police officer stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said: "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!"
"Why not?" Asked the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and it's almost the same."
"But you did not stop," replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP!"
"But the way was clear and it was safe," replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing?!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop," says the officer.
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| Rekha |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 10:39 PM
* Wishful Thinking *
A couple came upon a wishing well one day.
The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too!
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet.
The husband was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
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| Rekha |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 10:43 PM
* LAZY MEN *
A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, soone day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," heannounced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.
"Too much trouble, I'm too lazy" he responded.
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| Rekha |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 10:46 PM
When John went to lunch today, he noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. He stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. Every morning he gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
He said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies."
He said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert."
He said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "Well.... the problem is.... I can't remember where I live!!!"
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| Rekha |
Posted
on 08-Nov-03 10:51 PM
* College Finals *
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
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| confused |
Posted
on 09-Nov-03 09:52 AM
Why was lettus embaresed??
because she saw salad dressing
why did the chicken cross the road??
how the heck am i suppose to know..
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| khimu |
Posted
on 09-Nov-03 12:39 PM
An old guy approches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder and asks for tow tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is goign in with him.
He replies, "well, my pet chicken, of course!"
I', sorry, The gurl tells him. We can't allow animals in the theatre.
The guys goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, chicken starts to get hot and begins to squrim, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified . She elbows her friend Amanda and whispers, "Amanda, this man over here has unzipped pants!"
Amanda whispers back, "oh, don't worry about it ....... you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Gene says, " I know.....but this one's eating my popcorn!"
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| KALANKISTHAN |
Posted
on 09-Nov-03 03:43 PM
okay, cut and paste ;)
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. "Ive never been better!" he replies. "Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter.
He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So hes in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly."
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| garibmaila |
Posted
on 10-Nov-03 03:48 AM
kalankisthan,
my english teacher told that story to the class when i was in school! i think i was in grade 8! we were all surprised cause the teacher was a women and we found it weird that a lady teacher told that kinda story to the class! she told also told us that it was her husband who told her that story!
i am sorry, this isn`t a joke!!!
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| patali |
Posted
on 10-Nov-03 10:49 AM
..another one...
National Condom Week
"List Of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week"
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You cant go wrong, if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go in to heat, package your meat.
13. While you undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection will protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. No glove, no love!
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| ru |
Posted
on 10-Nov-03 11:25 AM
there was a poster that I came across:
1. See dick with an errection
2. See dick without protection
3. See dick with an infecton
4. Don't be a dick.
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| ssNY |
Posted
on 10-Nov-03 12:17 PM
THE ALBERTA FARMER
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I am going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not taking anything from my property."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I will sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the Alberta Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Alberta Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
I love this part....
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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