| Username |
Post |
| patale |
Posted
on 01-Feb-04 08:36 PM
“ Hopeless” this is the most common word people apply for me. Yes I am hopeless, hopeless like a moth that is trapped inside my room and unfortunately he sees the outer world through the glass wall and thus makes the attempt to break the wall down for the freedom. But poor moth is unaware of the fact, which is impossible. Still he tries not only once or twice but hundreds of times and his each and every breath encourages him soon he feels worn out then, his situation is pretty close to my pathetic attempts. Each and every moth trapped inside the room is my hopes.
Actually none cares about the moth, why should anyone do that? Yes why should anyone think about others sorrows? If you try to solve others problems then you will have to carry his or her burdens too. I realized this when I experienced in my own life. I was fifteen when one of my friends fell in love with a senior girl. My friend unhesitantly wrote a letter addressing that girl and assigned me to give it to her. When I took that letter I felt as if I was being a Hercules and holding the sky of Atlas. I don’t know whether my friend’s love was true or not but I was obliged to please him. With my courage I appeared in front of that girl with the letter of my friend.
I remember myself standing like a statue in front of that girl. She took off with one of her scary look on her face, and then I returned back the letter to my friend. He said, “ You are hopeless”. Since then he never talked to me, as I couldn't be any helpful for him. But at least I gave a try for him. It was not a compulsion for me. Why did I attempt, why didn’t I say “no”? I still feel guilty about it. My attempt was useless. I sensed I am not a good friend and I can never be good to anyone in spite of my attempts to be so.
Zero, it’s always close to me. I start my journey from zero and my destiny is all the time around it. I try to move a bit but seldom I am aware of myself moving. People are always ahead of me. Everyone I meet leaves me far behind. Only one reason behind this is, I never had unhealthy competition with them. But still I attempt like a moth to fight against the prevailing system. Most of the time I attempt to be generous with my competitors. Last time I heard of vacancy announcement, I rushed to my friends’ place and encouraged them to apply. They thanked me and maintained the formality very expertly. We prepared our documents and decided to apply together the next day. I returned home with lots of hopes in my eyes. All the way to home I was lost in my dreams. I started to count down with excitements. That day for the first time I felt as if I have support of my friends, a friendly support, I am not alone. I even dreamed that now we will work together under the same roof. We submitted our application. My friends were wise enough to attach few recommendation letters along with the application. I was not informed about that but I did not grumble at all. I thought such attachments are of no use. After few days I was called for the interview, then again I was called for another informal interview. In this way I kept on visiting the office whenever I was called for. On the sixth day I saw my friends shaking hand with the manager and I even saw the recommendation letters on the desk. I can’t explain what I felt that day nevertheless still I was expecting for the job. In the ninth day of my routine (It was like unpaid job to show up there) I was informed that, “ we have appointed someone, there is no vacancy. Better luck next time.” Again I saw my friends, this time they were holding appointment letter, I guess that is why they saw me but they didn’t see the puzzled face of mine. On the spot I again memorized my friend who said, “ You are hopeless”. Indeed I am hopeless, why, why only me? Actually I was the one who informed them, then how can they ignore me like that? May be my generous attempt to prove, as a loyal friend was awful for myself. My attempts went in vain. I knew I am good for nothing. My dull attempt to get job without a recommendation letter was ridiculous. Hard effort but still pathetic. yet another page of my life, yet another freind came..........
to be continued...
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| patale |
Posted
on 01-Feb-04 08:37 PM
to be contd.....
Yet another page of my life, yet another friend came in my life to distress me.The friend who I met in a very strange way, the way I used to hate the most. Being solitary in my environment, I dragged myself to online world. Not knowing how to * socialize* online, I clicked on Nepalnews.com, browsed over the news, found nothing appealing, then decided to give a shot at Nepal news chat room, or in other words “ place to build your communication skills” as many of my friends would claim in their own way. Curiosity of building my communication skills, if not my loneliness dragged me to the chat room. Not being familiar with cyber world made me wander in different rooms for a while, traditional Icebreakers like ASL did not make any difference to me. I started on my own way with “where you from”, “how are you doing.”, but didn’t work, I failed again as usual. To my surprise, my conversation with one of the strangers went for a while. I assumed he was quite familiar to chat world, at least better than I was. Started off by asking my age, sex, location or ASL and continued through exchange of our email addresses. I felt kind of proud of myself to be able to exchange my email address with an unknown person in a random chat room. It felt like I accomplished my goal to be a *socially cultured human being*.My very first short chat with the very stranger indeed turned out to be a serious relationship after quite a long time. Thought I found my soul mate, a person I was waiting for. Was I wrong in my thinking or did I fail again in my thoughts? Did I ever think any misconceptions; misunderstandings would cause a huge barrier between our smooth relations, creating a blueprint for disaster. Probably not, at least not until It occurred to us. The way I used to hate the most brought us together, but seems like I failed again, failure yet at another page of my life. Later I realize its just folly to think about the eternal relationship in this damaged world.
I always hope for those things that I never deserved. Again I came to confront with my doom with my attempts that always fails. I know I am present in almost everyone’s diary but only as a doodle, only as a rough and unwanted stuff.
Someone told me that whatever I am facing is ‘ The reality’ that is always ready to bite you. But why, why reality is like that? I think I have the answer; the present world is not for them who labor hard to revamp the old abode. This world is only for them who possess the power to construct the new one. If a person tries to think about others then, he has to forget about his own sufferings that he is going to engulf. He must have guts to do it, I often tried to do so, tried to act generously but I was mocked. My genuine attempts were rewarded by disgusting criticisms. As I tried to revamp the old adobe.
My friends taught me a lesson, they co-operated with me until they needed me. When I was a step far from my destiny I saw them carrying a spindle in their hands. So now I have also decided to follow them. Why should I always care about others? Now I must try to say, “NO”. I am determined about that. From now onwards I will reject myself to be appointed as a messenger for other’s sake. I will not spread the seeds for others where my own dreams get bankrupt. I believe every coin has its two faces, now let them see the other part of my face.
Doubt, doubts, what am I doing? I am not sure at all. For sometime I forgot that I am the moth, attracted by the night light and trapped inside the room. I forgot that I have no way to go out; I have to end up inside the room, alone. I have the chance to see the outer world through the window glass and I know I can’t break it down, I can’t, and I can’t. The only thing I can do is to continue my attempts, pathetic attempts. If a moth is trying, then why can’t I? At least I can hope and shove myself against the glass wall for escape until I don’t get bruises all over my chest, then few more attempts more, then wounds after bruises like tears after the pain. I wish to carry on this as I know still I am breathing. Still there is a negligible hope with anxiety. Hope for the freedom I guess.
Suddenly I saw the moth, lying on the windowpane, he was not moving like before. My eyes gazed at him. I heard him counting his last few breathes and he must have been saying to himself that, “ at least I gave a try”. However his attempts are taking him where he never wanted to go. In few minutes not only from the room, he will be free from the world too. But did he imagine that out of his several attempts??
The world inside the glass wall is only filled with hopes, dreams, and visions that seldom get fulfilled. If the moth gets freedom, if he finds the way out, then what will he get? Outside the wall there might be invisible foes that will mob him. Maybe the spindles of his friends’ will also prick him. But in spite of those dangers I know he demands for freedom of his own, freedom.
My hopes are still attached with that dying moth. His each and every attempt resembles with mine... finally he has left his body…poor moth, oh poor moth ..You are lifeless now.
Just bunch of thoughts....
Patali
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| Stri_Beed |
Posted
on 01-Feb-04 08:51 PM
Hey, patale,
Let's shake hands.
When I climbed the top
They were still laughing me
The ones who succeeded the most
Were the ones who failed
[Anon, February 1, 2004]
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| Stri_Beed |
Posted
on 01-Feb-04 08:52 PM
They were still laughing AT me
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| luckydude |
Posted
on 02-Feb-04 08:28 AM
>>>
When I climbed the top
They were still laughing me
The ones who succeeded the most
Were the ones who failed
>>>
I really enjoyed reading your articles, patale & Stri_Beed. Keep rockin' guys!!!!!!!! We are all ears......
Luckydude
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| patali |
Posted
on 02-Feb-04 09:34 PM
stri_beed.....alriiiiiiiiiiiiight lets get going ..........anyway thanx.....
patali..
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| govin |
Posted
on 03-Feb-04 05:26 AM
Well written. Appreciated
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| Stri_Beed |
Posted
on 03-Feb-04 12:19 PM
Now, patale and patali, I am confused. Are you the same person?
"In toxication I tried to ask you
You never responded to my voicemessage
Saw you the next day
Same gesture, same smile
Why do I see it as a different language?"
Dedicated,
Anon, February 3, 2004
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| M.P. |
Posted
on 03-Feb-04 05:49 PM
Stri_Beed,
If poems could
They would have mine
Try more toxics instead
Everything will be fine!
Btw, the poems you have posted do have a poet. I am pretty sure about that. May be he forgot to mention copyright and you just picked it up. Not a big deal anyway. :)
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 03-Feb-04 06:20 PM
Hey patale,
I am also an ardent fan of self depreciating writing. You are not alone in sharing your life with a moth. I do mine with a oyster--an innocuous, empty, ugly and manipulated one. You should read Kafka when you get a chance. Not only his stories, but his life itself.perhaps you can relate to it, but in the end, even such life gave so much hope for millions around the world. So, don't undermine yor frustrations :) telling you, when you know you're in rock bottom, there's only one way UP.
besides, there's a cult here in sajha of FOSLA. Contact Biswo dai for further details ;).
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| patali |
Posted
on 03-Feb-04 10:30 PM
.....Stri beed ji....I am patali....Forgot my password so I created a new one which sounded more like patali...but now I have retrieved my old password.. I will be patali as always......
oys ji....I sure will read kafka whenever I get a chance. forgot what FOSLA stood for here in sajha...could u freshen up my budho dimag.......Biswo dai...you may wanna help me out in this!!!!!
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 04-Feb-04 07:42 AM
Patali ji,
I read it throughly and enjoyed your writing. However, you sound imprisoned by your situation. With your frustrated state of mind, you compared your life with a moth. Now, did you ever compare your life with an wild animal, who has practices freedom all in his life and who has no boundries for seeking his prey;) Aba, afulai lion banera compare gara ta, do analogous writing.. See if you can find any similarity... Kura bhaneko jata pani jancha, jata pani lagna sakincha hola:P
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 04-Feb-04 07:45 AM
BTW, very beautiful writing.. You got the knack:)
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| forget-me-not |
Posted
on 04-Feb-04 02:19 PM
patale ....that was good..
M.P. jiu when can we read ur poems??
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