| ashu |
Posted
on 07-Feb-04 08:49 AM
Nepal love stories
By Susan Stebbins
Romance, enshrined on the fourteenth of this month in western countries with all manner of sweetness and pinkness, does not officially exist in Nepali culture. One has relatives and acquaintances of the other gender, and is otherwise assumed to be uninvolved, married, or both. This is the proper way and if something else is happening, it will not be mentioned in polite company.
The remarkable exception to the official non-existence of romance is the huge popularity of Hindi movies, which have an almost unvarying formula involving the eventual marriage of two handsome, high caste, rich young people. These are always love marriages, although sometimes they were arranged before the protagonists fell in love.
Perhaps such fantasies are distant enough from most people’s everyday reality that they don’t have much impact, although a look around Thamel after dark reveals new traditions of Nepali inter-gender hand holding and ‘love marriages’ do seem to be on the upswing.
When I first came to Nepal, I was warned in the slightly more traditional culture of Patan that I should not be seen in the company of a man after dark. The repercussions of the appearance of impropriety for Nepali women became clear when a young Patan woman I was acquainted with was permanently expelled from her father’s house because she visited a girlfriend in a distant neighborhood and stayed overnight. Ironically, this forced her to choose between getting married to the nearest available man or being homeless. She chose the former, a very rocky start to what is supposed to be a lifetime relationship.
Fortunately, the low profile of romance does not mean a lack of love. I know several married Nepali couples who positively glow in each other’s presence, and are incredibly generous and kind in looking after each other day to day. And companionship and love between friends, between parent and child, between neighbors, between siblings, between teacher and student actually have more room to flourish when people are not quite so obsessed with a “one and only” romantic partner.
I find it especially touching to see parents affectionately feeding their children by hand (when the youngsters are quite capable of feeding themselves) and men walking with their arms draped around each other – a rare sight in my own country due to fears of being labeled ‘gay’.
Beneath the opaque surfaces, besides that which is found in marriages and in the quiet but bold adventures of modern young people, many varieties of romance do exist in Nepal. Nepali expat Samrat Upadhaya’s book ‘Arresting God in Kathmandu’, though a work of fiction, rings true to the many unofficial liaisons that happen here: not the hearts and flowers kind, but the relationships born from loneliness, lack of meaning, a kind presence, an unfolding desire…Some offer unexpected insight, sustenance and transformation; others distracting or even destructive indulgence.
There are more than a few romances that take place between Bideshis and Nepalis or Tibetans here. It can be especially heady because some of us are falling in love with a person, a culture, and a country all at once, and these feelings may be inseparable. Some of these romances may appear to be a variation on the Hindi movie standard: young and handsome from very different backgrounds overcome obstacles and get married, with many scenery and costume changes along the way. But if they are successful there is much more to them, as each person in the couple makes a huge transformation to really share a life with their partner and that person’s culture.
|
| ashu |
Posted
on 07-Feb-04 08:50 AM
(Then there is the special category of trekking romances, which involve anything from shy tea-stop conversations or a one-guesthouse stand to a sweet e-mail correspondence or a thirty-year marriage. But that’s another column…)
Other romances ironically involve breaking taboos that exist more strongly in western culture than in local cultures. I have known of several relationships between older (by twenty years or more) western women and younger Nepali men, and western women involved with married Nepali men.
In the case of the former, the attraction of the older women seems to be a combination of Nepalis’ greater respect for elders and less obsession with the beauty of youth, and a flip flop in gender roles as young men look for women who can offer them financial security, practical life experience, and higher status (sometimes including a good chance for a visa). I got a taste of this some time ago when I had a chance meeting with a sweet Nepali man who still had the slim build of a boy.
During our first, rather lengthy conversation, I noticed subtle but unmistakable signs of a budding romantic interest in me. A bit taken aback, I thought perhaps he misjudged my age. On learning that he was twenty-two, I laughingly protested to his unspoken hopes, “I’m old enough to be your mother!” He wisely replied, “Age does not matter in friendship.” I couldn’t argue with him. Just by virtue of our decision to live here many of us Bideshis are questioning the cultural norms we grew up with.
The taboos against older women being involved with younger men are easy for some to step out of. I suspect that besides enjoying being attractive to a younger man, older women may experience greater respect, influence, and freedom than they expect with an older partner from any culture.
On another occasion I met a western woman I know at a local coffee shop, sitting with a younger Nepali man and woman. She introduced me to the two Nepalis by name and a few minutes later in an aside told me, “He’s my boyfriend. She is the woman he fell in love with while I was gone.” She shrugged her shoulders, seeming both uncertain and unconcerned about the future for the three of them. All of us had a surprisingly pleasant and relaxed chat together. Hmmm…
Although jealousy can be as intense in Nepal as anywhere else, the local traditions of polygamy (and to a lesser extent polyandry) give people practice and a framework for accepting and navigating relationships that might be considered scandalous and/or destructive in other cultures. Long-term western girlfriends of Nepali men may be considered “second wives”.
Like other second wives, they doubtless sometimes cause Nepali women much grief and neglect. And in three situations I know of the western “second wife” has become friends with her partner’s wife and given significant support to his family, helping with the children’s education, contributing to the family business, and so on. This is quite similar to some of the older generation Nepali families where two or three mothers cooperated with each other for the good of the family, sometimes even preferring each other’s company to their husband’s.
Do these relationships end “happily ever after”? I don’t know. All have some moments of happiness, some suffering. Some have already lasted many years; others have ended. (A note of caution: a fortuneteller at Swayambunath told me of several Nepali men who have wandered tragically, aimlessly around Swayambhu hill for years after being deserted by western girlfriends or wives.
If westerners are attractive, we are also scary because of our reputation for fickleness.) But one thing is clear: Nepal’s love stories are much more varied and interesting than the movies! THE END
|
