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| Username | Post |
| shirish | Posted
on 16-Feb-04 07:32 PM
make necessary changes as you read: crFgF] ΣGbF lg 3FOt] eP‘ b'lgoFsF] Ï|xFÂ kF] ltdLn] ;≈oF} ls< la©FgF] cF˚\g}} ;FOgF]n] eP+, x©Fo]F kl©ro d]©F], ltdLn] nUoF} ls< oF] gh©n] b]v]g s]lx pHoFnF]df, c+£oF©F] kF] ltdLn] ©F]KoF} ls < oF] k|x©n] e]6]g sF]lx ;kgfdf, xtF©F] kF] ltdLn] u¥oF} ls < ælzl©ÈÆcndlnoF] oFqFsF] dF]8dF, aF6F] kF] cFsF]{ ltdLn] v]FHo}F ls< s:t]F d PSnF] < hFqFs]F eL8df, dg kF] c¿sF] ltdLn] e]6\o}F ls< jF]:6g !$ ˚]a|'c©L @))$ achano bhanda ni ghaite bhayen, duniya ko prahar po timile sahayou ki? Birano afani saino le bhayen, Haroyo parichaya mero, timle la.gyou ki? Yon ajar le dekhena oojyalo.ma, Andyaro pr timile ropwyou ki? Yo prahar le bhetena kohi sapana.ma, Hataro po tim.le garywou ki? “shirish” al.ma.liyo yatra.ko mod.ma bato po aarko timle khojwou ki? Kasto ma eklo? Jatra ko bhid.ma? Man po aru.ko timle rojywou ki? |
| Biswo | Posted
on 16-Feb-04 08:13 PM
Shirish: It is amazing that somehow you seemed to have developed strong interest in literature:-) Good ghazal. Hope to listen your ghazal this year in ANA convention:-) |
| shirish | Posted
on 16-Feb-04 08:24 PM
Biswo, Thanks for the complement! can you guess who i am? Or I have revealed myself to you! Wait wait don't tell here! MS |
| Biswo | Posted
on 16-Feb-04 08:42 PM
Shirish: Rest assured I know you:-) |
| Meera | Posted
on 16-Feb-04 09:23 PM
Dai nice one there! So when we doing a combo :-) |
| Nepe | Posted
on 17-Feb-04 11:19 AM
Shirish ji, You have a pretty good sense of shayari, that is, composing a sher, which in turn is an ability to say something touching in the few free words available in a sher. You also seem to have pretty good (almost) sense of mono-rhyming system required in a ghazal. However, you have not followed all the rules of the ghazal in this poem. Since, these days, relatively a large number of poets are writing ghazals, I think imperfect ghazals are going to be less and less accepted as ghazals by the Nepali ghazal community. So it is worthwhile to learn all the rules of the ghazal and try to follow them as much as possible. Particularly ghazalkar should know the rules of matla, maqta, qafiya, radif and baher . There are tons of information related to these rules of ghazal in the net. Unaware of the exact rules, I used to compose ghazals just by imitating others imperfectly. Now I find a lot of errors in the pieces I wrote then. Recently there was a small critical piece on a work by a Nepali ghazalkar in the Kantipur Daily. The critic had made a passing comment about another ghazalkar's regret for publishing a ghazal collection without knowing the exact rules of the ghazal. He reportedly confessed that he could not write ghazal at all when he learned all the rules ! |
| shirish | Posted
on 17-Feb-04 11:45 AM
Nepe, I was actually waiting for your helpful comments. I am aware of the strict rules but which make my writing as a "fazal", not exactly 100%a "gazhal", but there are advocate who say some deviations from the norm are not that bad. So it may be not a "gazhal" in the strickest sense and truest meaning, and I admit that. I am trying to write and open for improvements and I admire your sincere opinion. MS |
| Nepe | Posted
on 17-Feb-04 04:02 PM
Shirish ji, Let me share a pleasure. I am myself a strong advocate for liberal rules for ghazal in non-Urdu language. So personally, I absolutely support all kind of experiment with ghazal writing. I am of the conviction that the more liberal the technical rules are, the better ghazal in content we can write. Yes, it is imperative that we should know the rules. Then the deviation we make and the experiment we perform are just fine. Talking about experiments, I have found that pseudo-rhyme rather than strict rhyme for qafiya and a freedom for occasional conversion of the radif to qafia or vice versa in the same ghazal makes ghazal very easy to compose and it does not destroy the lyrical rythm either. I am not going to illustrate them here. But my point is, yes deviation is necessary and affordable too. Another important aspect of a ghazal is its baher (chhanda). It seems that there is a consensus among non-Urdu ghazalists (importantly Hindi ghazalists) not to follow baher like in Urdu ghazals. The minimum requirement they follow, also important from lyrical point of view, is to use equal numbers of syllables in each line of all ashara (couplets). So counting the number of syllables in each line, however tiresome, is necessary, if you dream of some musician immortalizing your ghazal by singing it. Now, let's leave these things behind. On your ghazal, the way you presented, it looks like there are three couplets. Except the fact that they don't have strictly uniform length (equal numbers of syllables in each line), the first couplet is a perfect matla. However, the second and last couplets have an excessive qafiya. Remember, the first line of a sher, other than matla (the introductory or the first sher) is free of rhyme system (qafiya+radif). However, you have used the rhyme system on both lines of each couplet. It is not a violation really, but a waste of rhyming words for sure. However, if we split the two lines of each couplet you wrote, thus making four lines from each couplet, it is fine and also you have now twice the number of couplets that you had before. But then, you will need to compose a new sher for matla. As you know, matla is the only sher where both line should have the rhyme system. Matla defines the qafiya and radif of a ghazal Please forgive me for this technicalities. I thought some Sajha readers might find it useful. Your ghazal would look like this. The only error I introduced is a restrictive rhyme (kaatyou/saatyo) I used in the matla which will make other qafiya words (sahyou/lagyou/ropyou ans so on) unallowable. This is what I mean by psedo-rhyme. And I am for it as an acceptable deviation. Also note that I assumed the word 'timiley' as a part of the radif and moved it to the end to illustrate the rule. However, it could have been assumed to be independent of the rhyme system (qafiya+radif) and kept where it was. It does not violate the rule really. However, it is quite obvious that 'timiley' should be the part of radif. Hence the change. Here is your ghazal, 
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| shirish | Posted
on 18-Feb-04 07:06 AM
nepe, Thanks a lot. Your modification sounds a lot better and is par with the rules of gazhal. Thanks again. I admire your sense of language and competency. Next one, I will abide by the rules. MS |
| Nepe | Posted
on 18-Feb-04 04:11 PM
All right, Shirish ji. To inflame you with more inspiration to write more ghazals and also to inspire other Sajha readers, here is a nice ghazal sung by Jagjit Singh, one of my all time favorites. 
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| Nepe | Posted
on 19-Feb-04 01:06 PM
Here is a perfect ghazal in English. It has followed the rules of ashara (couplets), matla (intoductory couplet), qafiya (mono-rhyme), radif (refrain) and even the baher (meter). And the language used is perfectly ghazalic. Feel the original aroma, mood and rythm of Urdu ghazal fully translated to English ! by Peter Hook No game in being a winner by default. The same with being a sinner by default. Let others add an ounce to every pound, While we keep getting thinner. By default. Not just by lions, tigers, sharks, and worms Are we defined as dinner by default. Still at the center of his turning world The Sufi is a spinner by default. Look at me standing on my head to see The frowner turn to grinner by default. We've heard, "What can't go on forever won't." We'll learn, by discipline or by--default! Alone, as prodigal or profligate You'll end--a poor beginner--by default. - http://www.ghazalpage.net/2003/2003_g.html ************************ Shirish ji, It was nice to receive your message. Let's roll. |
| shirish | Posted
on 19-Feb-04 01:21 PM
Nepe guru, I am working on mine and having difficulty with "takhallus' One thing, I dont see 'takhallus' on both of the ghazals you cited. nabhayeni huncha? Kaam, exam and ghazal combo do not work well. HE HE Now I know what you look like and I had a different image corresponding to Nepe. MS |
| Nepe | Posted
on 19-Feb-04 01:34 PM
Shirish, Yes, takhallus is not obligatory. Even radif is not obligatory. Ghazals with radif are called ghazal muraddaf and one without it is called gair-muraddaf. Among other freedom, you can have two matla instead of one. |