| Username |
Post |
| Nepe |
Posted
on 09-Mar-04 04:15 PM
Encouraged by the first experimental Musha'ira in the thread "Ajjako Kabita", where a large number of shers were ecited by a good number of Sajha poets, here is the second batch of similar Mushai'ra.
I do hope you are now familiar with the basic rules of the ghazal. So I am not gonna repeat 'em here. You can easily figure out those rules by looking at the given matla (opening couplet) and an additional sher below.
I'll only remind you the meter used in this particular ghazal.
The total number of syllables in each line should be 20. Arrange your words in such way that a pause can be inserted in the middle (10, pause, 10). A minor pause in the middle of each half is also highly recommended.
If you recite these ghazal loudly by yourself, you can easily figure out the meter of the ghazal (5,5 / 5,5).
All right, then. Please go ahead and add at least one sher to the ghazal shown below.
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 09-Mar-04 04:18 PM
Oops..everything got italicized. html code error
Here it is again,
Encouraged by the first experimental Musha'ira in the thread "Ajjako Kabita", where a large number of shers were ecited by a good number of Sajha poets, here is the second batch of similar Mushai'ra.
I do hope you are now familiar with the basic rules of the ghazal. So I am not gonna repeat 'em here. You can easily figure out those rules by looking at the given matla (opening couplet) and an additional sher below.
I'll only remind you the meter used in this particular ghazal.
The total number of syllables in each line should be 20. Arrange your words in such way that a pause can be inserted in the middle (10, pause, 10). A minor pause in the middle of each half is also highly recommended.
If you recite the ghazal loudly by yourself, you can easily figure out the meter of the ghazal (5,5 / 5,5).
All right, then. Please go ahead and add at least one sher to the ghazal shown below.
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| Jayaa Shamvho !!!! |
Posted
on 09-Mar-04 05:52 PM
Napeji,
Here is one poem !! Can you translate in Nepali, Chanda milaayera ?? Pleaseeeeeeeeeee :)
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| SnakeBite |
Posted
on 09-Mar-04 08:30 PM
Nepe ji, I've always enjoyed your gazals and poems. I admit that I have never written any poems before, but hey, what's wrong with trying right?
Timilai sara sukha dida, Mero durgati bhayeko dekhe.
Prem ta lenn-denn ho bhanthe, aaja yesko byaapaar dekhe.
I know it doesn't make sense at all. :)
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 09-Mar-04 09:44 PM
JayaaShamvho,
Brother, you have a superb taste. Never seen before this much magnanimous, glorious and inspiring poetry in my entire life. Thank you for posting it. Keep up the good work of keeping treasure of such artifact of rare quality and pertinence. This masterpiece is beyond full comprehension to this poor poet, sir. I wouldn't dare to compromise it's beauty by my ridiculous attempt of translation. However, I am eternally grateful to your hajoor for this opportunity to have a chance to see this magnificent art from your valuable collection
*** **** ***** ***** ***
Snakebite,
Thank you for your kind word.
Congratulation ! you composed a sher that perfectly obeys the meter and the rhyme. On a non-mandatory technical note, a single sher of a ghazal usually tells about a single story, a single thought or feeling. That means, the two lines of a sher should be seen structurally and thematically connected. Keep that in mind. Also, I will love to see you expanding the horizon of your poem to cover themes other than 'prem'. Everything about prem and mayalu have been already written. Believe me, nothing is left for us to write about them. We need to look for something new or some new perspective to write. I hope you will agree with me.
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| Deep |
Posted
on 10-Mar-04 07:10 AM
Timi ladeko bharyang dekhe, thachariyeko bhui dekhe
Byanai jhikeko khudkilo , para kunama surakhshit dekhe.
Jun jyanma ma barsau charthe nitanta euta arko manchhe
Sutera mero sambedit astitwa mathi hijo madariyeko dekhe.
Timi ladeko bharyang dekhe, thachareko bhui dekhe
Byanai jhikeko khudkilo , para kunama surakhshit dekhe.
wah! wah! wah! wah!
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| Dilasha |
Posted
on 10-Mar-04 09:13 AM
hello Nepe ji! I didn't know I missed such a wonderful thread like "aja ko kabita" I tried my best to fill up your last two lines ending with "shringar" but couldn't :-( but I don't want to disappoint you so here goes my attempt...don't know if I followed the rules.
tadpincha yo mun timilai pauna jiwan ko adhaar dekhe.n
Maya ko kunai astitwa rahena, jiunu nai bekaar dekhe.n
Salkiyo aago bhatkiyo ghar ansoo dekhenan kasaile
Uchalne thecharne, samajma sabai kalakaar dekhe.n
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 10-Mar-04 01:11 PM
Deep ji,
Wah ! indeed. After the opening sher that talks about irresolute cave-dwellers, your's was a complementary poem which dealt with those who fall off the ladder of (mis)adventure. The imagery and metaphor of khudkilo, although I could not decipher, was equally striking.
The second sher seems to be marking the end of an illusion and the pain associated with it. It arouses the curiosity of a reader to learn more about the story. Unfortunately, the narrative limitation of a sher did not allow the story to be complete.
On technical part, Deep ji completely disregarded the rhyme scheme. Rhyme mileko bhaye sun ma sugandha hune thiyo.
Aru pani jawos, tara rhyme milayera hai !
**** **** **** ****
Dilasha,
The previous thread sorely missed you ! I was hoping you'd come and pick up the final ghazal to it bring to some good musicians you are in contact. Parantu, you were lost in picking up the pick up lines ! Wouldn't you give it a try ?
Thank you for showing up here and for your pleasing contributions.
I liked your second sher 'sabai kalakar dekhen'. Deeps says the same thing. He was mistaken about somebody. You saw everybody kalakar. Sachchai testai chha ra duniyan bhanya ?
Anyway, one more sher from me. This time about denial.
Chhaina aayeko kunai bhookampa, chhaina gayeko kunai bhookampa
Bhanne_haru_ko parkhaal_ma taaleko taajaa daraara dekhen
5}g cfPsf] s'g} e"sDk, 5}g uPsf] s'g} e"sDk
eGg] x?sf] k/vfndf 6fn]sf] tfhf b/f/ b]v]+
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| GoberGanesh |
Posted
on 10-Mar-04 05:55 PM
Gokul Ji, If you are here...
Andheri yo raat, tyo astha ko eklao jun aula naula,
sadak rangauna chhora haru ko khun aula naula.
sunna deu ajai malai yo yudhha ko awaj haru
bhoka manchhe haru ko yo dhun feri aula naula
Gaddhi arohan ko yo subha ghadi ho aja mero
Satabdi dekhi kureko janata ko sagun aula naula
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| Prem Charo |
Posted
on 10-Mar-04 06:14 PM
Nepeji,
The word " Mushaiira" is Nepali ?? I never heard of it.I hope it is not Hindi or Urdu.
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| Deep |
Posted
on 11-Mar-04 06:44 AM
Chhaina sitalu, tateko chha batas bar-pipaluko chautaro ma pani
Bhanchhan tallo bhirma dadhelo lageko chha tara nanibhaune are-
Chhaina badalu, charkeko chha khet asar saun ko mainama pani
Bhanchhan mansun nepal bandama pareko chha tara banda nakhulaune are-
Chhaina shanti, birami chha nagariktantra "democracy"ma pani
Bhanchhan birami rogko fandama chha tara aba aarjeghat lane are-
Aspatalko mukhya chikitsak Mahankal chha are- Bhanchhan!
[yo ghazal ta ke tadako natedar samma ni haina---tyapani aru ghazalkarko rachana padhna paiyela ki bhanne aasma threadlai ek hat mathi tandeko matra ho- chharapasta sochaile]
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 11-Mar-04 12:24 PM
PC,
The word Mushaiira is an Urdu word, meaning a kabi-sabha. If you are asking why did I use a foreign word, it's a good question. I do not know about this particular word, but Nepali ghazalkarmi seem to have adopted Urdu words related to the description of ghazal.
I had started to use Nepali, or rather Sanskrit improvisation of these ghazal related words, but decided to give up after I started to hear more and more Nepali ghazalkarmi-haru using the Urdu words.
For general interest of all, here is the list of the words I made up
matla = aarambhikaa
qafiya= ekaanupraas
radif = poonarbritaamsha
sher= shlok (this is not new)
maqta= samaapikaa
*****
Deep ji,
Your poem is not a ghazal but something even better than a ghazal. Ghazal uses rhyme at the end of the lines. Yours has one at the beginning too, which has enhanced the sweetness of your poem.
Your poem is a sharp, clear and frank comment on our chaotic present. I appreciated it very much. Here is one from me which perhaps gives an alternative angle to look at our present. Here it goes.
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 12-Mar-04 03:04 PM
GoberGanesh ji,
I was much impressed by your eloquent reply in the other thread where a rajtantra-ka ati shuvachintak had brought another rajabaadi Manaranjan Josse's rajabadi lekh to Sajhabasi's attention.
I am expecting the same level or even better eloquence and reflection of chintan rather than plain pratikriya in your poetry too.
Don't get me wrong. I believe that Gyanendra Shah is a ruthless dictator in making. This should be stopped in any way possible.
However, he is more than a person. He is an institution. He is a representative of a system. He is doing what that institution/system is supposed to do. If we had expected otherwise, fool we were.
In this light, I find it not right to reduce that institution to a mere person of Gyanendra Shah. I see no point in seeing him as a bad king. He is a 'good' king because he is good to the kingship.
At the same time, while it is not untrue that we, the bhoka manchhe, owe our fate to the system the king represents, it will be an injustice to the king and damaging to our cause not to mention the subtleness and complex nature of that equation and that it is a synergic effect rather than a direct one.
We owe little freedom we have to our agraj who gave their lives and personal comfort and we probably will need more of such sacrifices for some time to come. Yet, I am not comfortable with glorifying blood. Because the bulk of sacrifice the mass makes for the revolution is other than blood.
Having said that, I appreciate the voice your ghazal tries to convey and hope to read better ghazals in future.
Here is a sher in honor of your ghazal.
Gadha dhoyera gaai bhettayau, chaar din nai sahi, 'Nepe'
Sochdai chhu, aba pheri testo saabun aaula na aaula
uwf wf]P/ ufO{ e]6\6fof}+, rf/ lbg g} ;lx, æg]k]Æ
;f]Rb}5', ca km]l/ To:tf] ;fa'g cfpnf g cfpnf
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| shirish |
Posted
on 18-Mar-04 10:43 AM
nepe guru,
Adaaab.
I am back.
here are my two lines:
pat.tha_rai pa_ga_liyeko ho ki? ba.dh.do. cha taral ki.na.ra ,
dub.dai ga.re.ko sa.ta.ha muni, timro ra mero sa.har dekhen.
lets keep going!
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| shirish |
Posted
on 18-Mar-04 11:13 AM
arko euta aaihalyo, post garne hataro po lagyo.
Nepe guru,
what about the usage of the exclamation marks ?
Na.mar.do rai'cha aash sa.ji.lai, ji.oo.nu sa.roh hunda pa.ni,
eklo hunu.ko natija hola! cha.yaan.ma timro aa.kaar dekhen!
(it must be the result of my loneliness that I see your shape in my own shadow)
may be you can express it better, remaining within the rules.
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| revival |
Posted
on 18-Mar-04 11:22 AM
Andhyaro Aakash:
Author - will be revealed later
Andhyaro aakashma suryako prakash dekhe
Ujyalo sansarma kaalo raat lai bhete
Sansarma bachna chahane haru
Mariraheko aavash paye
Marna lai haamfalne harule
Kinara tekeko dekhe
Aashako maidanma, bhatkiyeko sapana dekhe
Ujyalo sansarma kaalo raat lai bhete
Purneko juna pani kina ho
raatle nileko payee
Chamkirahane tara pani
Tadha katai harayeko dekhe
Chamkilo muharma, nirashako badal dekhe
Ujyalo sansarma kaalo raat lai bhete
Saanjhama haraudai gairakheko
aaeknash sita biti raheko
aafno saamaylai aaja
samatera sodhna khoje
Andhyaro aakashma, suryako prakash dekhe
Ujyalo sansarma, kaalo raat lai bhete
Regards
Revival (not the author of above song/ghazal)
Waiting for a new beginning.
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| shirish |
Posted
on 18-Mar-04 06:04 PM
Hey revival,
Welcome.
Revival (not the author of above song/ghazal)
the writing does not fit into the ghazal category, as the rules have not been followed. However, I see a trend of a stanza of two lines followed by four lines alternatively.
I have modified the song format into the ghazal format (ignore the contents as "raat" repeats quiet a lot.) Your original idea is still intact. I hope you will not mind.
Mostly it goes like 7 letters followed by pause then eight letters.
I have missed in one or two places.
here it goes:
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 18-Mar-04 09:07 PM
Shirish,
That was amazing. You quite artfully converted a song into a ghazal. Great !
Regarding the song itself, it probably makes a good song to sing. And that is all about it.
On your earlier shers, I am glad to see you have mastered metering a sher, which you were so reluctant to do not long ago. Unmetered ghazals are like unpolished diamonds. They are diamonds ta hun, but you can not sell them as jewelry.
Regarding the contents, they were awesome. However, I would like to tell you, as a general note, good shers are those which readers can get without too much stretching of their imagination. If the shers have to be strenuous, they should be so by the necessity of the theme, not by the choice of the shayar.
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| smiling_hurt |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 01:44 AM
yoo kastoo eikh ho mero gau ghar ko saaathi haru ma ...
inihi haru jalauna sakenan ..aaba nibhauna aako chan...
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| smiling_hurt |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 01:48 AM
Haschan aaja sabbai mero barbadi ma....
khushi chu ma ki koi ta hasey....heheheh
herchu ramroo sanga iniharu ko anuhar ..
aree iniiharu ta tenai hun..
jo afnoo bhanne toppaliyeka theya mero khushii ma..
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| smiling_hurt |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 01:49 AM
Haschan aaja sabbai mero barbadi ma....
khushi chu ma ki koi ta hasey....heheheh
herchu ramroo sanga iniharu ko anuhar ..
aree iniiharu ta tenai hun..
jo afnoo bhanne toppaliyeka theya mero khushii ma..
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| KALANKISTHAN |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 02:37 AM
Wow kyaa harip harip sher chodya hau!! aanch aanch...
Mero ni euta line jaawosh hai... (nepe ji ko chorr chaar parera Fatafat banaako ;))
Mutu polcha, ghaati sukcha, churot dherai tanera "kalanki"
Sochdaichu feri daudma jitne mero din aaula ki naaula
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| shirish |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 08:05 AM
Nepe wrote:
That was amazing. You quite artfully converted a song into a ghazal. Great !
Regarding the song itself, it probably makes a good song to sing. And that is all about it.
On your earlier shers, I am glad to see you have mastered metering a sher, which you were so reluctant to do not long ago. Unmetered ghazals are like unpolished diamonds. They are diamonds ta hun, but you can not sell them as jewelry.
Regarding the contents, they were awesome. However, I would like to tell you, as a general note, good shers are those which readers can get without too much stretching of their imagination. If the shers have to be strenuous, they should be so by the necessity of the theme, not by the choice of the shayar.
nepe guru,
yo hazur kai karamat ho!
At least, one of your unofficial chela, who would not pay the tuition fee, is trying! he he
I still need a piece to graduate, though.
Regarding your comments of being strenous, its by virtue of my character. I dont think I will be able to change my style. I have realized in couple of occasions but I left it like that for it conveys multiple meanings.
I will try to improve myself, though. Thanks for pointing out.
yo thread "cocktail" bhayecha. euta clean chahi suru garne ho ki?
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| revival |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 09:04 AM
Thanks for your time in correcting the song and converting to gazal. No the writer's intent wasn't to write ghazals not even songs...He is a poet actually. And I beleive i posted the song into a wrong thread..should have been in something like "Modern Poems and Songs".
Regards
Waiting for A New Beginning.
Revival
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| nsshrestha |
Posted
on 19-Mar-04 01:31 PM
talnai nasakine bhwang parechha bhitra bhitrai mero
ausadhi khojda po yo ma_n bhitra paseko hudar dekhe
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| Lovebuzz |
Posted
on 20-Mar-04 05:10 PM
Nice ones, revival and nsshrestha!
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 20-Mar-04 05:25 PM
test
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 20-Mar-04 05:28 PM
Regarding your comments of being strenous, its by virtue of my character. I dont think I will be able to change my style. I have realized in couple of occasions but I left it like that for it conveys multiple meanings.
I will try to improve myself, though. Thanks for pointing out.
Shirish,
I am not trying to dictate anything hai ? Freedom of creativity is the last thing that should be compromised. And originality is what makes a writer a writer.
That said, I still maintain that literature is essentially an art of describing complex things in a simple language, not the other way round.
And I suppose you'd agree that the most difficult thing for a writer is to find a simple language while to write in a difficult language is the easiest thing to do.
I think great poetry is created when poet is clear about what he/she is writing. Note that being clear doe not necessarily mean fully understanding it. A poet may not understand the subject he is writing. He does not have to. All he has to be is to be clear that he has not understood it. He may be in doubt. But he has to be clear that he has doubts. He may want to present his theories. That's okay, but he must be clear that they are theories, not dhruvasatya facts. A poet should never pretend, lie or choose to make a false impression. If he does, he has not yet become a poet.
In the same vein, I think a poet should not be ambiguous in his poem for the thing he is not ambiguous himself. Different readers may read a poem differently, that's a different subject. The language of poetry (use of imagery, symbols, metaphor etc) makes it inherently interpretable variously. However, an ambiguity straight from the poem is not a good thing. Ambiguity is not necessarily a beauty of poetry. In fact ambiguity has poisoned contemporary poetry (of all languages) so much that poetry books are the least selling books in the present market.
So I would highly advise all poets to be unambiguous and as simple as possible. Otherwise you will be writing for yourselves, not for the readers.
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| Nepe |
Posted
on 20-Mar-04 05:32 PM
Nsshretha ji,
Good sher except the meter. I have taken a liberty to edit your sher to make it fit in the meter of earlier shers.
Original:
alnai nasakine bhwang parechha bhitra bhitrai mero 17 syllables)
ausadhi khojda po yo ma_n bhitra paseko hudar dekhe (17 syllables)
Edited:
Tali nasaknu bhwang parechha chaalai napaai ma bhitra bitrai (20 syllables)
Okati khojda po yo man bhitra paseko hudar dekhen (20 syllables)
By the way, what does 'Hudaar' mean ? Is it a fox like animal ? or a synonym of 'bhandaas' ? or something else ?
*****************
And, to all shayars who are going to contribute their shers, a reminder of the rule of meter to this particular ghazal,
Total number of syllables in each line should be 20.
(You are also expected, if you can, to arrange your words in such a way that a minor pause after each 5 syllables and a major pause after 10 syllables can be inserted. If you just read the following shers aloud, you will get the rules.)
Let's add more shers..
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| shirish |
Posted
on 22-Mar-04 07:19 AM
chiyo charcha_ko shikhar banechou, lukne thau banki kahan?
thekana ani photo sahit, chapiye_ko akhabar dekhen !
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