| for_a_human_being |
Posted
on 20-May-04 01:42 AM
What do I think? What else could I think, sitting in front of computer and typing something that I am not sure of ? Well to be honest until this moment I am not sure of what I am writing about, but I have this strong urge to write, strong urge to express myself, though this might not be what I wanted to say through out my life, though this might not be what I might feel at any other moment, this is what I am feeling right now while typing this extract, but what? What do I feel ? I am still not sure, but gradually I know the words will unfold itself, and something meaningful might come up, it might not be meaningful for you as a reader, It might not be meaningful if you try to repeat this extract in front of someone, but at this moment its meaningful to me and it wont change. I can’t really say how, feel, but I really want to go away, I want to get buried in myself, all I want to know is me myself ? All these years, I have tried hard to understand people I might have understood few of them and misinterpreted few of them or completely misunderstood few of them, but there is something that gives me a chill from deep inside. All these years, I have made few, to be honest more than few attempts to understand people, but this is also true I never made any attempt to understand myself. Who am I? What I am here for? What is the meaning of this? Why does this happen? What makes me happy? What am I doing now? Why am I doing this? Am I happy with what I have achieved? Or why shall I achieve and what shall I achieve? What is most important thing for me in my life? Well, these were one of the few questions that I never asked myself?
By reading all this you must be thinking someone is trying to be Gautam Buddha. What this crap all about? Doesn’t make any sense to me? But, you can’t blame me now coz I warned you earlier, this might not be meaningful to you, but it is meaningful to me at this hour. If nothing else I am improving my typing skills. I f nothing else I am learning to type emotions as they empty out of heart, there is no another layer between you and me reader, there is no limbs or no organs that is interpretation this to you. You being a reader are able to look directly into my heart and brain, before it gets to stain the paper. I am not telling you a story that has been told to me by my heart but you are having a first hand experience of getting into my heart, getting into someone’s heart isn’t that a great feeling. Isn’t that a great feeling to know what is in the mind of a person who is directly in front of you? It is like putting a hearing aid that helps you listen something that hasn’t been spoken yet. It is like getting to know about the moment of madness before it can actually make any impact. It is like knowing the presence of earthquake before someone can feel the tremor. Well I know I can’t stop describing this, coz I know there are lot of adjectives and phrases and that is going to make it really confusing for you. So let me change my gear.
I know thee is lot of thing in my mind I still have lot more to tell, though I haven’t started telling anything yet. When are these bunches of idiots sitting next to me going to keep quit? They are really getting on my nerve. When will people from country south of ours, going to learn some manner? When are these people going to know that library is place where one is suppose work quietly? They are certainly not helping me concentrate. Let me meditate for a while…Aaahn thank god they are quit now, I don’t have to meditate. Moron, idiots, bunch of stupid people, uncivilized uncultured beast. You must be wondering what has got into me, why am I calling names. Well I cam to know about these therapy where you get to control you emotions and get rid of all the apathy and frustration by the moment of madness where you let your heart take control of your thinking. That’s exactly what I was trying to do. Let the emotions control me, and start barking at the source of frustration. I wish was not here at this moment, I wish I was out of here. I wish I was not among this crowd. I wish I wasn;t in this world. I wish I was there, all by myself, solitary. That is what I feel like at this moment. I want to be in the top of the small green hill, the same hill that I saw on my only trip to Mornington peninsula. I want to leave that moment, but not among those stoned friends of mine. I want to be there all by myself. I want to feel myself, I want to be there as a person of my own and feel that gentle drizzle and small gust of wind. I want to feel those, pack of sheep grazing on the slopes and I want to feel those cows, staring blatantly at me. I want to be there and sit on the small rock next to the pond where those beautiful creation of nature quench their thirst made by another creation of god, humans. I love humans, they are really intelligent animals. To be honest the humans, that I love outnumbers the human that I don’t love by around 99%. In fact I don’t really get to see the humans that I don’t want to be with in your everyday life. In fact I am surrounded by humans that I would love to be with. But sometimes, you really feel you were not among the humans. Sometimes you want to be away from your usual self. Sometimes You want to be somewhere you are out of this, sometimes you want to be in a place where emotion controls the action. Place where you could do something that you couldn’t do in a normal life. Being human is tough. Human being is the most intelligent animal, and one must be really tough to deal with that much amount of intelligence. It’s a like wielding a machine gun. A person who has a machine gun, is a really scary person to be with, a person with machinegun is supposedly really powerful, it’s a machine gun that makes him powerful. But just wielding a machine gun doesn’t make any one really powerful. A person should be strong enough to wield the machinegun. In case a person holding the machine gun is not able to fire shot out of it, he won’t be as strong as an able bodied person holding a machinegun. In similar way a person with a lot of intelligence wont be a really intelligent person if doesn’t know how to use his intelligence. A human being is really intelligent being, but sadly enough not all of us are intelligent enough to use our intelligence
Might not have made sense to you but it certainly did to me.
a humane being
for_a_human_being
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