| NK |
Posted
on 05-Nov-01 03:36 PM
This may not be interesting to many people so please ignore. I started this thread to "talk" to sunakhari.
I have a daughter who is 2 year old. I come in contact with a lot of parents with young children. There are good parents and bad parents and there are really really bad parents. True The parents here are "'into' child development activities.' And it is also true that they take their child as a project. They want to turn them into a perfect little human. A pioano lesson at 4 on Tuesday, at 5 football on wednesday, 7;30 ballet lesson and so on. The children are exahusted, their calendar looks like a CEO of a GM. You must have heard the news of use of Ritalin. That is cop out, clearly. No children consume so much Ritalin as in the states. Here we are privilege to provide all kinds of activities and a nepali parent in nepal may not have. It is true though in nepal children grow up without these strctured activities. But I really don't see any problem with that kind of rearing. In villages it is necessary the older children takecare of the younger ones while parents go out in the field. That is a sad reality. But, to make this short I see a big problem here how children are reared. most of the mothers have to go to work aftter 12 weeks of leave. And if you took some time off during the pregnancy (from your maternity leave) you'd better show up at work even if it is 6 weeks after giving birth. I think that is inhuman. The government penalize for you daring to have children. And the consequences you see. Who were they again? Harris et al in colorado. They were stockpiliing ARSEnal in their bedroom and the parents had no clue. they were sawing off the muzzle of a rifle in the parents's garage(!) for pete's sake and still no parental interventio. In so many european countries you can take a whole year off or up to 3 years without pay ofcourse. and i know two women doing their ph.d. while being in maternity leave!
I think US needs to learn a lot from other countries and societies.
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| anepalikt |
Posted
on 05-Nov-01 09:24 PM
I know what you mean by over enthusiastic parents who push their kids to the max on one hand and then put them on Ritalin on the other. I have a friend who has two girls seven and three. The three year old started tennis lessons this year. The seven year old does piano, tennis and just about everything else under the sun. The parents are sending both to privates schools so all the extra curricular activites mean additional expenses...
I am not sure how the kids are going to benefit........ I for one don't see myself becoming the soccer mom or even trying to do any of that stuff to that extent. Even if I wanted to we couldb't afford to, plus I woudl go crazy. I totally feel that there is much to be said for leisure, time for exploration and creative play that is not structured and guided by adults.
I went to a dashain get together at some other Nepali folks' place and was reminded of Nepal when my son with other kids there got free reign to run around their place and do just about anythign they pleased. Of course, I don't belive in crazy hyper kids runnign around MY place, but I appriciate that Nepalis in general are so tolerant. I used to enjoy that so much growing up.
Besides some of the stuff you mentioned, like use of Ritalin, overscheduling, unsupportive organization/government, I think the adult child relationship in general in America is a little problematic. Unlike Nepal, the attitude towards children is heavy with socail pressures from early on. Kid's are expected to relate to other kids and adults quite differently from what Nepali kids deal with. I have had occasions where American adults stare at me disapprovingly because I don't ty to temper (or rather suppress) my kid everytime he shouts or "acts" up in a public space. Someone even told me I was "sparing the rod and spoilign the child." Nepali attitudes to children is very permissive and generally allows for great deal of flexibility. The children usually have many adult role models/care takers and thus learn about dealign with different persoanlities.
But at the same time, I have to say American parents do amazingly well in the face of a very unsupportive social envirnment. Considering most kids these days grow up in single family homes, parents (mostly moms) have a lot to juggle and meet a great many needs of the kids. Even in unbroken home, between work, day care, social engagements, extra curricular activites, it is amazing that peopel can actually hold on to the idea of a cohesive family unit.
Anyhow, I could not agree with you more that the US governemnt and organizations could learn lots from other countries. My old org in Nepal gave 12 weeks paid leave and nursing breaks once you were back. Here I had to fight for seven weeks, that too in a women's org!
But at the same time, at least I had seven weeks! If I were in Nepal, of course I woudl of most likey had a nice supportive sutkeri herne time, but if I were a poor woman in the village (as in the case of many women in Western nepal) I would have had to give birth in a filthy old shed by myself and spend the first week there sequestered from the family. Anotehr sad reality! That is pretty inhuman too.
Also, actually the US government has some very progressive policies related... maybe not maternity leave, but child insurance, WIC and other measures that benefit poor women and children in this country. If anything, I think there needs to have an aggresiveplanned parenthood education campaigns in the US, especially amongst immigrant and minority communities (Yikes, I said it. Does that make me a racist. maybe, maybe not.).
So I guess, I have to say that the problem I see in child rearing here in the US is largely a socio-cultural problem. Lack of family and cummunity support, over worked, under resources, and over stressed parents, and an over all envirnment which does not let kids be kids...
Regardless, lastly I have to say that the proiblem of freak kids, like the Colorado case you mentioned and Kip Kinkle in Oregon, can happen tp anyone! Parents are responsible to some degree, but kids' own personalities, their sense of alienation, personal angst and the overall messages that society sends is a large part of the picture.
Parenthood is a big responsibility and i have to say it ain't easy!
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| sunakhari |
Posted
on 06-Nov-01 09:14 AM
I'm sorry if I took so long in posting this but I'm swamped! :)
My thoughts on this and I shall try to be as brief as possible.
I was a dayscholar and therefore, I see both the pros and the cons of boarding systems. I could not send my children to a boarding school - paranoid that I am but as my son grows older, I can see how he could have benefitted from a structured environment.
I am not and will never be a soccer mom, nor will I be running crazy with different schedules but I have to give my hats off to people who do do it. About the kids being overexhausted, there are only a few who would do it. But look around you, the pressure is so high on having SMART KIDS that the parents feel pressured. Therefore, its not a childrearing problem but rather a social problem. It all boils down to that. But I don't think we can be critical of that - thats the culture here just like letting kids run around wild in the fields is our gauley culture. There is no right and wrong with it.
Regarding the wacko cases - parents are responsible to a certain degree but again, parents working their asses off to pay mortages, car payments, etc etc etc and whose fault is it in a way??? the society's! Everything boils down to that.
Look at GBNC, the way some people post stuff - one would think they just came out of caves!! Can we blame the parents for that? yes to a certain degree but largely I would tend to put the blame on our society. If only theses "kids" had a little leeway growing up.
Coming back to structure and parental responsiblities - I LOVE it when my kids meet other nepali children and play around but I do tend to keep an eye on them at least from afar but most parents, I have noticed just let the kids around like they have no responsibility after they meet other children or would rather somebody else do the work! My point is - give them space but let them know you still hold the leash at a distance. Thats missing in most american families as well - as soon as the kids hit 16 or some teen age - parents think okay my job is done! HELLOOOO...
Anyway, :) I will surely add more to this.
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| NK |
Posted
on 06-Nov-01 02:13 PM
About having to give birth in a shed and having nothing to eat:
That is what I really think when I think of the US regarding child care situation. Being the richest industrialized nation ,it is so "third world" when it comes to this issue, i.e. child care. Nepal is one of the poorest country and poverty is the greatest sin. Here we are talking about the US! A lot of women has to choose between work and home stay once you have a child. if you don't make enough money you'd better stay home. It should not have to have this way. Where is the support from the government? I am not the kind of person who looks at the government for the remedial of every societal ill but in this case they definitely have to step in, give some sort of sizeable federal monetary assistance, raise the minimum salary for teacher/care takers so forth.
I agree parent can do only so much but I still think a lot of alienation, dissatisfaction, anger comes from not having a stable home or home wich happens to be a 1 million dollar shetler. I am very conservative in this issue. I want the parents to take responsibility for raising their kids (don't forget the fedearal monetary assistance) . I know you cannot control every environment my child will move in but my responsibility is to see if he/she is moving in the right environment.....oops gtg.. later
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