| Username |
Post |
| nakkali |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 09:42 AM
Hello all,
this is gonna be long I know and hope you people would not mind.
I recently had a baby(almost 6 months ago). he is very cute baby and we both are very happy to have him in our lives. I had gone to Nepal for 2 months after the baby. and after that i feel life has changed totally. we came back about 2 months ago and these days I am always in a "bad mood" I see negative in every move my husbands makes. I love him very much but these days I cannot stand him. I think of divorce and all that "good" stuff all the time. Even driving back and fro to work all I think is what has happend to my trip in Nepal -I had lived with my husband's family and I did not like the way they treated me. This is the first time I visited them after the wedding. Sometimes I feel they treated me ok but sometimes I feel they treated me really bad. and while we were there my husband was devoted 200% to his family. I understand that it was his vacation(he was in ktm for 2 weeks) and I know his obligations to his parents but does that mean he should IGNORE me completely???? all I think is about this incident and it is driving me nuts(literally). sometimes I feel I should seek some help but to tell you the truth I feel like a looser going to a psychiatrist. I do not want to tell my parents about this as they will worry about me more. i don't want to tell my friends about this as it is a "family matter" and one should not tell "ghar ko kura bhahira". When I saw this it was a good spot for me to pour as an annonymous.
if anyone can suggest me something will really appreciate it.
Thank you all for listening ,
nakkali
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| Dil Bahadur |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 10:03 AM
hi nakkali,
if your husband was seeing his parents after couple of years and if he tries to catch up with them in your 2 weeks trip to nepal, I wouldn't blame him. You have to give your man a little break. If he 'ignores' you for 2 weeks to play catch up with his family, you shouldn't feel left out. But of course, it depends on the intensity of the ignore. If he TOTALLY ignored you out for this 2 weeks then maybe something is not right.
Have you talked with him about it? does he understand your point of view? Do you understand his point of view?
In the end, it's all about understanding each other's point of view...
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| nakkali |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 10:22 AM
Thank you Dil Bahadur for listening to me.
I totally understand he was there for 2 weeks after 2 years. But doesn't he have some responsibility towards his wife? I went to his house first time and I am left alone in the room while he is busy chatting/laughing with his family. He and his family did not make it easy for me to go and sit and chat with me. Please try to be in my shoes and think how one must have felt being left alone like that.
I did talk to my husband about it and he know very well how I feel about this but all he says is he realises his "mistake" But that does not help me at all. and I don't know what he should do to make me feel better but at least he can listen. nowadays he tries to ignore this topic totally. when i bring up this topic he has some good reasons to avoid it evey time. that really pisses me off.
thank you,
nakkali
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| sthagit |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 11:24 AM
Hi Nakkali,
You also agree that it was no crime of your husband to spend time with his folks. What I also understand is you felt left out there at his house (which is yours too, btw) and when you brought the matter to him he said that he made a mistake.
So, why do you want to bring up the same issue again and again? you know quite well that your husband is in no capacity to reverse the time and undo what he did.
I guess you should try to let that feeling of a brief "left out" go and focus on other good things that your husband may have done or is doing to you. Simply put, move on Nakkali.
Life is moving on ( it is not stuck at that time of two weeks).
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| nakkali |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 11:32 AM
Trust me I have tried to move on. But it keeps coming back and hurts me more. I cry everyday in my car to work and while coming back. I have to have music in a full volume so that I don't think about this and not get upset about it. Do you think I like getting crazy this way? I love my husband- do you think I like hating his every move he makes at home? I just try to busy around the house so that I don't have to sit and talk to him. Belive it is not easy. I thought writing about it here would help me in some way but...
anyways thanks for listening.
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| The Female Eunuch |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 02:00 PM
Hi Nakkali (it feels very strange but that is how I used to call some of my friends).
Nakkali this email is a sincere goodwill, friendly gesture and above all no judgment laden and offence intended.
Nakkali, my friend as u have explicitly stated and acknowledged currently there are many conflicting issues going on for you, draining you psychologically and may be physically. The new roles your have recently embraced i.e. of being a daughter in law, mother, is no way a cakewalk. Yes, it is always stressful! And can be very challenging. Above all, I think there is some anger, resentment, guilt that is very justified minus your sole support in an alienating environment. Honestly, I would be completely at loss and may even have snapped, if I was in your position. BTW how was the homecoming for a new Buhari, how did your in-laws feel about your son? Hope u are questioning yourself, What is more important to you? Your in-laws acceptance of u as their dtr-in-law or..? Have u reflected on it and shared your thoughts and feelings with your husband? It also seems that the apprehension of any new Buhari has been accentuated during your Nepal visit, but Nakkali I think we have to pave way for our own identity. Why should we be looking for reference points external to us? Oops..
Nakkali it does take a lot of strength to ventilate your feelings and you have made through the toughest hurdle of being aware and sharing your feelings with people whom you even don’t know personally, which can be very intimidating. Good on you! Now try to be true and fair to your self. Don’t be harsh on yourself. I think this is also a time to evaluate your relationship with your newborn baby boy, your expectations of yourself as a new mother, your husband’s role and your own expectation of your son. Also who said juggling the role of new mother, wife and worker is all fun. Woman, there is no way out… Talk, talk and share. Nakkali, just don’t try to dwell on that one particular experience but try to identify the triggering factors that makes u so melancholy and resolve the problems perpetuated by the factors.
Nakkali, you can do it! It will be very helpful to talk and share with your husband and close friends about the ISSUES that the particular experience has hit hard. What are friends for? Nakkali, I also think the Bhahira and Bhitra concept needs revisiting.
Motherhood/Parenthood is a lifetime experience and hopefully u will be able to share this wonderful and not so wonderful experience with your near and dear ones.
Nakali, if u have been struggling for the last 4 months and still continue to do so, then I personally think that you and your hubby need to seek some professional help. I think it is neither fair on u, neither your husband nor your baby boy. Nakkali have a nice day and a wonderful weekend.
Take care,
Wishing u all the best.
The Female Eunuch
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| nakkali |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 03:21 PM
Thanks for listening and writing your thoughts. I really appreciate your time. U have asked bunch of questions that I need to ask my self and believe me I have looked at this in every possible ways. I have studied my reactions and checked if I have gone overboard but all these things hurt me more. I have tried to forget it so that I don't have to deal with it and that also has not helped.
I feel noone understands me. Everyone are saying my husband did a right thing by being with his family, but what about me. Am I not the part of his family? When he is at my home I make 200% sure he is comfortable and well taken care of so why I cannot expect the same from him. I know it feels great to take but very hard to give.
Female Eunuch(why do you have such a nice name!!!), I know what you are saying and I also do not want my son to be affected by all this crap. I have realised that it is of no use talking to my husband or anybody about this. It feels like I am hitting my head against the wall again,again and again and ot hurts more every time. I have to deal with this by myself and hopefully I will.
Thank you for listening.
you also have a great weekend.
Nakkali
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| listener |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 06:42 PM
Nakkali,
Sounds like quite a few people replied to you and also had some good arguments. I am not married myself to totally understand your issues but sometimes outsiders can see what people within can't.
As far as your two weeks in home goes, it was his vacation, so was yours. If you met him half the way to embrace his family, he should have done atleast the same if not more because doens't matter how long he has been away, it was your biggest two weeks-knowing and speding time with your enlaws. And his oppertunity to bring the whole family together in real meaning of family. I think you have to also think outside of this specific event and ask yourself how valuable is your relationship for him, under normal circumstances, it will help you see the truth a little better.
It's only you who knows what happend and how intense/not intense it was, and it's just you who can come up with a solution that will make you happy.
And as far as him saying sorry goes, that's nice but not the solution. He should be able to make sure that he doesnt' repeat it in future again, and should be able to convice you at the same time.
His family, and also your family are both very important but so are you as a person.
hope you come up with a solution soon.
listener
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| Helper. |
Posted
on 11-Jan-02 08:43 PM
Dear Nakkali, I totally understand and acknowledge your feelings and you know what you are not alone. Virtualy each family has its own issues and conflicts among their members of its own kind. I think it is wise to look for resources available around you and adhere to it. It might prove benificial. In this case, if you are not able to get out of this conflict and you think you are getting depressed, then don't just sit there and let it get worse. I strongly urge you to seek family therapy ( specialized in dealing with family issues). Here is a resource for you. This particular group is recommended for those interested in discussing how to manage any issues or difficulties they encounter with families as they continue treatment. At the meantime, I would also like to remind you that you should not feel ashamed or anything like that seeking professional help. There are plenty of people like you and I who participate this program, if this is not right for you then they might refer you to another program that is most suitable to you. But just make the call and see what you can do.
Amy Trupe, LICSW
FAMILY ISSUES GROUP
Wednesday 3 pm
617-855-2912
Bowditch, Rm 209
Mclain hospital
Best of luck.
Helper.
|
| sunakhari |
Posted
on 14-Jan-02 01:17 PM
Nakkali
It must/is awful to be in such a horrible situation.
You say you just had the baby and that your family mistreated you or RATHER your husband mistreated you.
Well, we all have had similar experiences where we feel/felt left out by our husband's family and have not known whether it was us or them! I think this is how I would look at it -
1. If you only visit sometimes and its temporary, then come up with a plan to deal with it
2. If you visit for a long time - then its time to sit down and sort out stuff with your hubby dearest.
3. It could have been that he had gone home after a long time and that he had loads to talk about (which I found amusing, considering you could also be into the conversations). Next time you feel that he is avoiding you - take matters into your hands and do the same, come up with an agenda of your own and see how he feels. :). Better still, make HIM babysit while you go around visiting your friends, shopping etc.
4. You could also be getting completely paranoid and feeling over-sensitive (my case when I had just had my baby) and maybe you should give yourself and your hubby some time. Go for a haircut while he babysits, get out on your own more often - not for hours but maybe just a 30 minute brisk walk, a visit to your favorite bookstore.
5. Look around for a mother's support group. This helped me ENORMOUSLY!
If you are breast feeding - try La Leche Group.
Hope these suggestions help.
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| nakkali |
Posted
on 14-Jan-02 02:09 PM
Thank you all for your responses. It has helped me to see it in different views. I have my good days and bad days and today is a good day. My husband knows how I feel but he says he cannot go back and change things. I have told him I am never going to his house(I don;t feel like it is my home).
When we are in US he is very nice. He does not do anything w/out me. I have to go with him everywhere over the weekend even to fill up gas in the car. But when we went home he totally ignored/forgot about me. Maybe that's why it hurts me more as I am not used to him ignoring me.
sunakhari. i am not breasfeeding and really don't feel comfortable talking about this to others, face to face. I will see ow it goes for sometime and if it still is bothering me I might go for some help.
Helper and listener, thank you very mcuh for listening. Just listening about my problem helps me a lot.
I will keep you all posted.
Thanks again,
Nakkali
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| The Female Eunuch |
Posted
on 15-Jan-02 10:45 PM
Hi Nakkali
I am happy for you. I guess we all ahve to do the walk of life :)
Thanks, that you liked my pseudonym. BTW it is a title of one of the book written by an Australian writer Germaine Greer, who is based in UK. The book did create a very lasting impression in my teen years as it resonated so deeply with my own experiences.
To quote one sentence in particular, that still holds true in our Nepali woman/girl hood (whatever) experience is “ Every girl child is conceived as a whole woman but from the time of her birth to her death she is progressively crippled” Hmmm.
I don’t frequent this site on a regular basis, but will lookout for your postings when I do. I have the impression that the ferment is working and is in progress…
Nakkali, Do take care
Cheers
TFE
|
| a man |
Posted
on 24-Mar-02 11:07 AM
Nakkali,
Which you have posted to share ideas and thoughts in regard to your disagreement "Ghar ko mamla", is one of the unavoidable issue for Nepalese(like us). Undoubtedly, we have to undergo with this type of conflicts. I would suggest you to forgive them(including your husband), who had made mistakes during your visit in your husband's home in Nepal. I personally found it as a lesson for me. One should consider others feelings.
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| rai |
Posted
on 24-Mar-02 12:31 PM
>with my husband's family and I did not like
>the way they treated me. This is the first
>time I visited them after the wedding.
>Sometimes I feel they treated me ok but
>sometimes I feel they treated me really bad.
>and while we were there my husband was
>devoted 200% to his family. I understand
>that it was his vacation(he was in ktm for 2
>weeks) and I know his obligations to his
>parents but does that mean he should IGNORE
>me completely???? all I think is about this
>incident and it is driving me nuts(literally)
>. sometimes I feel I should seek some help
>but to tell you the truth I feel like a
>looser going to a psychiatrist. I do not
>want to tell my parents about this as they
>will worry about me more. i don't want to
>tell my friends about this as it is a "
>family matter" and one should not tell "ghar
>ko kura bhahira". When I saw this it was a
>good spot for me to pour as an annonymous.
>if anyone can suggest me something will
>really appreciate it.
>Thank you all for listening ,
>nakkali
Hi there nakkali,
i dont claim to understand your feelings but i can give the name to your condition , it is called POST PARTUM BLUES or DEPRESSION . It usually happens after your first child but can happen after any numbers of children . There is lots to do with hormones but also there is also something to do with individual, social circumstances and genetic . most are mild varieties and it usually resolves within average of 6 months.
But
If it is affecting your daily life ,it must be affecting your child too so think 6 months for a child is not just a long time it is an AGE,
So , it is best to seek the help of professional
Because
there are therapies which helps like Oestrogen patch , tricyclic antidepressant etc.
Finally just a personal message , you are not alone with this kind of symptoms . majority of them grow out of it , so i am sure you too can. And dont think of Divorcee right now because just imagine 20 years down the lane , when your baby is an adult , you will thank your stars for being able to save the lovely family
Good luck
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| REBELIOUS SEVENDUST |
Posted
on 24-Mar-02 05:12 PM
HEY NAKKALI
DON'T YOU THINK THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THE MATTER THAN TO ASK US? BUT THEN, YOU WANTED TO COME TO AMERICA AND YOU DID BY USING YOUR HUSBAND. WHAT GOOD IS YOUR HUSBAND TO YOU ANY MORE HUH? IS IT THAT SOMEONE BANGED YOU BETTER THAN YOUR HUSBAND EVER DID AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T LIKE HIM? OR IS IT BECAUSE HE IS NOT A "HUNK" AS THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO BE? I KNOW THAT I'M BEING MEAN AND RUDE TO YOU BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT SOME SUGGESTIONS THEN YOU HAVE TO BE LITTLE MORE CLEAR ABOUT HOW EXACTLY DID YOU HUSBAND IGNORED YOU THAT YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ANNIHILATING YOUR BABY'S FUTURE BY DIVORCING YOUR HUSBAND.
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| REBELIOUS SEVENDUST |
Posted
on 24-Mar-02 05:27 PM
SORRY NAKKALI FOR THE WAY I RESPONDED TO YOUR PROBLEM THE FIRST TIME. IN GENERAL I DON'T LIKE WOMEN BECAUSE FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN ABOUT WOMEN. THEY'RE KNIVING AND SELFISH. THEY LIKE TO USE MEN FOR WHAT THEY WANT AND EXPECT MEN TO FULLFILL ALL OF THEIR DISIRES. MOST IMPORTANTLY WOMEN ARE NOT REALISTIC AT ALL. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THEM AND EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU. BY THE WAY, CONGTRATULATION ON YOUR FIRST TIME BEING A MOM.
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| BDM |
Posted
on 24-Mar-02 05:47 PM
Nakkali probably thinks that she can do whatever she likes, heck even divorce her husband, since she's living in a Western world, where women are supposedly equal to men. I guess she chants the cliched proverb <> like a mantra. Well then, she should go ahead and divorce her husband, marry another, divorce him, rinse and repeat. And while in the process, she should also scream "woman power"!
Nakkali has a crush on that Nepali hunk from Nebraska, no??? Damn, she is showing promiscuous tendencies. She should be blindfolded.... and, we need to tie up her legs, just in case her eros prevents her from formulating right decisions when she's with that guy.
Screw all feminists...
Proud Male Chauvinist Pig :)
BDM
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| Nakkali |
Posted
on 25-Mar-02 08:34 AM
Hello RS and BDM,
Thank you for the "good words" you had for me. Please look at the date I posted this and by now I am back to myself and happy with my husband and my son. His family I am still working on it.
RS wrote:
DON'T YOU THINK THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THE MATTER THAN TO ASK US? BUT THEN, YOU WANTED TO COME TO AMERICA AND YOU DID BY USING YOUR HUSBAND. WHAT GOOD IS YOUR HUSBAND TO YOU ANY MORE HUH? IS IT THAT SOMEONE BANGED YOU BETTER THAN YOUR HUSBAND EVER DID AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T LIKE HIM? OR IS IT BECAUSE HE IS NOT A "HUNK" AS THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO BE? I KNOW THAT I'M BEING MEAN AND RUDE TO YOU BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT SOME SUGGESTIONS THEN YOU HAVE TO BE LITTLE MORE CLEAR ABOUT HOW EXACTLY DID YOU HUSBAND IGNORED YOU THAT YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ANNIHILATING YOUR BABY'S FUTURE BY DIVORCING YOUR HUSBAND.
Did you read my posting where I wrote I have talked with my husband many times about this.... And who told you I used my hubsnad to come here????? We both met here so noone brought noone here. he came by himself and I came by myself. Please don't pour your other frustration here on me for no reason. Please read what I have said and then if you think you can help do write if not DON"T .
Nobody else had "banged me" except my husbadn so please keep all these good things in your mind and don't spread it to the world. Learn to respect women and hopefully they will respect you back!!!!
What was wrong with you when you wrote the first posting... in the second one you were okay. Just coz you don't like women you cannot just start screaming at any woman you come across. Maybe I am not that kind and your words really hurt me. So please think before writing your frustrations......
BDM wrote:....
Nakkali probably thinks that she can do whatever she likes, heck even divorce her husband, since she's living in a Western world, where women are supposedly equal to men. I guess she chants the cliched proverb <> like a mantra. Well then, she should go ahead and divorce her husband, marry another, divorce him, rinse and repeat. And while in the process, she should also scream "woman power"!
Nakkali has a crush on that Nepali hunk from Nebraska, no??? Damn, she is showing promiscuous tendencies. She should be blindfolded.... and, we need to tie up her legs, just in case her eros prevents her from formulating right decisions when she's with that guy.
... why are you even writing this. go home and sleep you make no sense at all and w/out reading and w/out knowing you guys cannot just type anythign you want.
It's not even worth replying to you Mr. Proud Male Chauvinist Pig ....
Nakkali
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| Sharma |
Posted
on 25-Mar-02 10:20 AM
Well, Life is a journey, some times it comes with ups and down. Why you are thinking totally negative. Also like is fully of compromise, agrement and Understanding. You have wonderful babay, you have to compromise for the baby. You have so many miles to go. Further, Our Society is different,culture is different. Pls do not do think like that. your husband seems also educated if some misunderstanding have had, whyboth of you talk peacefully. try to understand each other. Life is not easy, we have to make it very simple , do not try to make complecate.
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| Dil |
Posted
on 25-Mar-02 11:09 AM
Let me say first that I understand your situation. You did not explain, but why didn't you visit your parents while you were there. If you did not, you were an accomplice in allowing you husband to ignore you. Im sure your parents would have loved to see the baby as well as his parents. You sound totally devoted to making this man happy. What about your own feelings? Because you say you did not discuss your feelings with your husband, I suspect you keep many of your feelings from him. I suspect that he thinks everything is just fine in your marriage. You need to stand up for yourself and if it means divorce, then you will just have to accept that. Both of you are to blame for the situation you are in.
Get the situation above table and discuss this calmly with him. Then take action.
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| sexy |
Posted
on 25-Mar-02 11:18 AM
Bdm Wrote,
>>Nakkali has a crush on that Nepali hunk from Nebraska, no??? Damn, she is >>showing promiscuous tendencies. She should be blindfolded.... and, we need >>to tie up her legs, just in case her eros prevents her from formulating right >>decisions when she's with that guy.
Bdm,
Who is nepali hunk from nebraska? May i know plz...i am really curious, can't wait.
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| spoilt |
Posted
on 25-Mar-02 12:02 PM
Dear Nak--
It is a clear case of ignorance from your husband.JUST DIVORCE HIM.He is not worth.If you want He is just another pig loitering on the road.
I can provide you with some contacts.
I would ask you one question are you still living together? Man!!! it must be stinky situation. Just say to him you asshole get out. You just need to take one more step and you are out of this frustrating situation.
Just see +ve points out of your action
1. You don't have to see his stinky face.
2. You don't have to interact with his family members.
3. If you are earning, he won't be able to enjoy the money earned by your pain.
4. Your baby won't have to see his face.
Let me know if you need any help.
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