| Username |
Post |
| lonely |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 01:53 PM
I just moved to a tiny city and am having a hard time making friends. In the past, I’ve never had any problems meeting new people and making friends. There’s nothing to do here and I’ve no one to talk to. The people I work with are nice but mostly African American. While I don’t consider myself a snob, I don’t feel comfortable socializing with my colleagues, partly because of my managerial position but mostly because I can’t seem to understand them. It’s almost as if we talk in different languages. The term that comes to mind when I think about my colleagues is ghetto. Those who I can see myself socializing with are married with children and are busy in their own lives. I’m spending a lot of money flying out to meet friends almost every weekend and my phone bills are outrageous. I realize that this has got to stop. I have heard that there are some Nepali people here but my experience with Nepali people has not always been good and I have rarely come across a Nepali person with whom I am on the same wavelength. I am not overtly Americanized but after spending more than ten years in the US I find that my outlook has changed and drastically differs from that of most Nepalis.
I’ve joined the gym and a water aerobics class and am hoping to make friends there. I do not like going to bars on my own as I feel a single woman at a bar only invites trouble.
Does anyone else face this problem or perhaps you’ve faced this problem in the past. Please share your experiences or any suggestions you might have.
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| anepalikt |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 02:20 PM
Dear Lonely:
I feel for you. Hope things work out and that you make connections in this new community you are in. But I wanted to point out a couple of things from your post which I thought might be interesting to consider.
You say are not a snob. But after reading your post, I have to say I did not get that impression. Your attitude towards your colleagues and also to Nepali folks seems really negative. There seems to be such a superiority complex! I think it would be useful to examine your motivations, assumptions and attitudes and to be honest with yourself. Your post basically says why you are lonely: your attitude and your attitude. And of course that folks you would like to fraternize with don't want to fraternize with you for whatever reason.
My suggestion is (and I might sound harsh, but oh well): change your attitude, girl! and learn the language of the people who surround you. Unless, of course, you want ot keep flying out of town to visit friends, become a couch potatoe, a book worm or a barfly. Like you said though the last option might not be the best as that surely will invite trouble, especially if the area you are in is largely made up of people you think so poorly of.
Of course there is also the option of finding a job in a place you think you'll find folks peopel you like. But then they might not like you!
Good luck and keep us posted!
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| Horizon |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 02:43 PM
Lonely,
I am sorry but I agree with anepalikt. You may not be a snob but your posting says otherwise. To me it's never the place but the people that matter. I don't know if your indifference towards people (especially nepali) and the place are justified or not but it really doesn't make much sense to me. You seem to have problem with everything around you and that's not right. I think it's time to do real soul searching and you might find out that the problem is not the new tiny city, people or your surrounding but yourself.
Anyway, what is your beef with nepali people anyway ? One thing I do to keep myself energized and not get bored is to pick up a new sport every now and then and try to get good at it. See if it helps you.
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| 88 |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 02:51 PM
Man, you people are harsh. Cut the woman some slack. I'm sure she's making an honest effort out there but sometimes it's just really hard to connect with people. I think she's just being honest. I know people can be friends with just about anyone if they try really hard but come on, sometimes you feel lonely when there's no one at the same wavelength as you...doesn't mean you're any better than them - just different. I think it's natural to feel lonely in a new environment. And, yes, anepalikt, a attitude change would help out but I don't think that it happens overnight and is a cure to how she feels.
I agree, do some soul-searching and figure out what you want out of life.
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| madumati |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 03:14 PM
Ms Lonely,
Almost everyone gets hit with blue and gets lonely in this rather mechanical live in the US. It is not only you – not only the Nepalis but also the Americans. Life here is such that you have to find time to celebrate life. Cutting the days between work and personal life hardly gives anyone enough time to socialize. But still, people do find time. They do find people to hang out with. You have to widen your horizon and your prospective outlook towards other people. Your thread seems to be a mere disposal of your attitude towards the Nepali as a whole and the clear exposure of your self-overestimation and the underestimation of the others. You have been in the US for more than 10 years, so what? Just becasuse you have lived in the US for over ten years does not mean that the majority of Nepalis are unsocializable. By the way, what wavelength are you in? For me you seem to be on a wavelength where practicality has hit out of the window and what is left in the room is a self-ceneted wanna be American but complaining of not finding friends becasuse the wavelenght signals that Nepalis suck. Well, let me tell you my friend, I have lived in US more than 15 years now. I have changed in my outlook towards life…my prospective has broaden…I see things differently, but I never forget where I come from. - The culture I grew up in. These are the facts of life. You need to change your attitude big time – It’s sad in you ten years of stay here you have still the mind that has a typical style of thinking….it has been cocooned within sterotypes.
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| sks |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 03:23 PM
Very well said, anepalikt - couldn't agree with u more!
Miss Lonely - I suggest u get down from your high horse and smell the grass, so to speak. The problem is NOT with your "nice but African American" colleagues or the Nepali people u assume to be on a different "wavelength" than u. The problem is with YOU and your 'holier-than-thou' attitude toward anyone who falls a little short of your expectations. Friends don't come in a catalogue with a nice picture and a resume attached, indexed by what race they belong to. The first step in making friends is to have a genuine interest in other people, no matter how different they may look, speak, or act than u do. This is something you obviously lack, but let me stop short of pontificating, cuz i dont claim to be an expert on the subject. The point is - maybe you should've looked inside yourself rather than in a discussion board for answers. Or maybe I can guide you to the 'self-help' section of the nearest bookstore - I'm sure Deepak Chopra has some answers for u.
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| IDunthinxo |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 03:25 PM
I think you guys are being harsh with 'Lonely.' I thought her arguments were quite valid. I've lived in the States (all over) for over 10 years and I've had similar experiences.
When I was going to school there were plenty of Afro-Am's that were totally cool and educated. I have many Afro-Am friends that I totally jive with. But I've also seen the other side of 'fence' so to say. During college I lived in a community full of African Americans where the majority of them were up to no good. I'm not saying that everyone of them in the neighborhood was 'ghetto.' But unfortunately, when a certain community of people share low moral values, it's hard NOT to generalize. Your first priority in those situations isn't in attempting to be a paragon of virtue, but more protecting your safety and (more importantly) your sanity.
As far as Nepali people in the US go, I've had quite a few situations that having to live close to some of my Nepali brothers I've walked away with a bad taste in my mouth. But I must say that seeing the type of educated and open minded conversations going on in this site has really given me a paradigm shift. There are people on this site who's viewpoints I regularly read and I must thank them for completely changing my mindset of how I view the average Nepali in the US. You guys are awesome (you know who you are ;-) )!!
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| sunakhari |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 03:36 PM
Lonely,
I'm sure its lonely - really.
Its different strokes for different folks and if you think you find most Nepalese around you different from what you are. You have to re-visit that statement again. You say you have been here for 10 years and that you find your colleagues ghetto...You must be joking right??? GIRL...to most americans YOU are ghetto! WE are ghetto.
You sound like you judge people left and right and that helps eliminate what little friendships you might cultivate. If you are as lonley as you say you are, then get around, meet those Nepalese folks and party with your "ghetto" colleagues". They can be fun!! and in which book is it written that a manager can't socialize with her subordinates??
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| joie de vivre |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 03:48 PM
Hey, lonely. I can relate to your situation on some levels. I just moved to a much smaller city in the Midwest too where there’s not much to do. Luckily I have my husband to keep me company.
I too keep away from most Nepali people, not because I think I’m socially above them but because I don’t seem to vibe with them. Most Nepali gatherings I’ve been to seem to revolve around gossiping and backbiting about other Nepali people (even when they’re right there in the other room!!!). The fact that I’m outspoken and do not sugarcoat my words doesn’t help at all. Plus I smoke and drink in public. I know lots of other Nepali women who are closet smokers and drinkers, and paste an artificial smile on their face though they’ll start gossiping about you the minute you turn your back. I’ve neither the time nor patience for these hypocrites. Again, luckily, I’ve met several Nepali people who don’t judge me simply because I smoke, drink, party or because I’m outspoken.
I can also relate to your work situation. There are quite a few African Americans at my workplace too. If your co-workers are anything like the African Americans I have to work with, I know EXACTLY what you mean!! There’s this woman who though she earns a competitive salary, moonlights as an exotic dancer, another who sells adult products in her spare time (the worst thing is she advertises her business with handouts in the lunch room!!), one’s a felon who served 4 years in prison for something or the other, and the others, they’re just like you said, ghetto! Oh, and of course, how can I forget the woman who comes by my office everyday and shows off the 99cent clothes she bought at the Salvation Army!
I don’t really have any suggestions on how you can meet new friends but I think you’ve taken a step in the right direction by joining the gym. Perhaps your new community has some sort of social club that you can join.
To all the people who think Lonely is a snob:
I’ve met several, several Nepali people who shy away from other Nepali folks and only put up appearances because they don’t want to be called snobs. Like 88 said, just cause Lonely doesn’t vibe with other Nepalis, it doesn’t mean she’s a snob, just different.
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| sunakhari |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 04:00 PM
JDV,
I know exactly what you are talking about - been there and done that. I even have a t-shirt that says "I ain't doing that again" BUT how will one learn without making mistakes???I certainly know better now than to go to a Nepali wedding. I have no gold!!! GOSH....how absurd..
I just don't like to term all the African-American people as being GHETTO!! Guess that comes from being termed DARJEELINGEY for 10/15 years! :).
Hey now that we're talking about drinking and smoking and being different...people have said to my face that I'm different coz I'm not a Nepali and being from Darjeeling and all that.. YEAH RUNNING AROUND NAKED IN DARJEELING DOES JUST THAT - makes me different you know! ;)
Lonely, take pottery classes, speech classes etc. I'm sure you know all that coz you've been here long.
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| smp |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 05:31 PM
interesting question and even more interesting answers.
dale carnegie's "how to make friends and influence people" might make a good read.
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| Da Ge |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 06:28 PM
Few years ago, I hear this story, I think this applies to you too.
Once upon a time, there was a city. The city in its endeavor to entice more people to settle in, decided to appoint a person in its gate. This person would tell newcomers how wonderful the city was. It was indeed a wonderful city and people were nice and very friendly. After much discussion, they appointed an old lady who was very wise and experienced. They thought, this lovely grandma would represent the beauty of the city and its people.
The first day in her job, first family showed up at the gate early in the morning. This lady could see the nervousness and anxiety of these new comers. These people asked her how the city was. In answer, the lady inquired how their last city was. The father said with a sad face and teary eyes, "It was such a nice town. People were nice and helpful. We did not want to leave but we had to. We just don't know how this city is"
The lady ansewered with a smile "Ooh dear, you will find our city and people just like that. Before you know it, you are going to love this little town of ours."
She extended the warm welcome to the family and gave them information to settle.
Few hours later, then comes another family trying to get into the city. She asked them, just like previous family, how was the last community they lived. The mother answered "It was a bad community. People were rude, dirty and crude. City was ugly and dirty. We wanted to find a better community that's why we are here. How is this town?"
Then the lady answered with a straight face, "You probably going to find our little city just the way you found your last city".
The moral of the story is: It is us who finds our surrounding the way we want to find it.
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| SoulofMischief |
Posted
on 24-Jan-02 11:01 PM
Really no solution to the ennui of decrepit suburbs and small towns if you consider yourself cosmopolitan. Except exit perhaps. In what capacity do you want entry into the community anyway? Smaller the place more they seem to be value family and community value oriented. Something I doubt any of us share in the exact circumstance as do the locals. This would be no problem if you wanted to live in a small town permanently but I gather you'd rather not. I personally find solitude much better than having to deal incessantly with half manufactured awe of people at the simple fact that you are from Nepal. Point is don't short sell just to find mundane company. Its so played out -to have your acquaintance merely as a passport for them to study a being from an exotic place. Reaching out therefore is overated in my view. Were you in the business of selling images it would be a different matter.
I really have issues with the burden of acceptance always being on our side. Why should you have to recreate and reinvent yourself each time you meet a new person so that you put the inbreds and nincompoops at ease. Its always go there, give give give never that I am here come here and you can take. Its abstract but whatever its worth. If being yourself has not brought many people into your comfort zone maybe they just don't see who you are or that you are not cut for this kind of small town living.
If you rise above the subordinates rise. Gravity will take its due course naturally worry not but I really don't see that great of a value in you deliberately diluting your intensity and compromising. I am stuck in a small town temporarily myself but its merely a passport to a metropolis very soon in the future. After few years of city living I am fairly comfortable with hearing myself think. But we are talking about you. If you compromise for mere companionship you will probably hate it later. The requisite element is the conviction in yourself and the comfort in your personal space I am sure the aura will naturally attract people. If it does not then like I said don't kill yourself its just a small town there are thousands more in the US.
On the other hand For the purposes of just dealing with people just so that you are accepted I suppose Dale Carnegie-ish approach would work but he is a first rate sycophant. But hey you are a manager you know the realities of dealing with people. Why don't you manage to construct a way out of there? Rejoice in your Machavaellian capabilities :)
Higher up you go thinner the air is, its fresh and pure but you may have to breathe alone. That's Neitschze(?) restated.
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| solitude |
Posted
on 25-Jan-02 10:22 AM
Hi lonely:
Though I am fortunte to be living in a big city, unlike you, I can quite relate to you. A big city does offer you a greater possibility to find people of your kind, but you can still feel lonely in the crowd. I agree with you totally when you say that you can't quite talk to all Nepalis.
I can't either. Many of my close freinds are foreingers and it's been a great experience getting to know them. Call me snob, but I just can't see myself spending all all the time with Nepalis. Sure, we come from the same country, share the common languge, and so much else, but ain't I first of all an individual and therefore entitled to have my own likes and dislikes.
Just give yourself more time and things should be fine. I went thrugh that phase myself. If they don't, maybe it's time to seek professional help.
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| smp |
Posted
on 25-Jan-02 12:28 PM
just a thought to all those nepalis who can only get along with foreigners but not with other nepalis: perhaps you all can be friends amongst yourselves. would that work? or is it more specifically a problem of small numbers in small towns that we are concerned with here? anyway, this sure is an interesting thread. just to continue babbling because it is friday, i am having a tough time deciding where i am on this number line; maybe i am simply at the happy medium.
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| Durcheruwa |
Posted
on 25-Jan-02 12:47 PM
This reminds me of one dai who used to say "TV bolcha ma sunchu....tara mero sunne kohi chaina!"
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| solitude |
Posted
on 26-Jan-02 11:12 AM
Hi Lonely:
Try to take pleasure in things around you. Celebrate yourself, but above all, LISTEN to people. These are no Dale Carnegie stuff, but a leaf out of my own book.
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| bug |
Posted
on 26-Jan-02 09:20 PM
Hi lonely,
I can relate to what you are going through and believe me there is nothing wrong in feeling lonely or thinking differently. People are born different and some people click and some don't. But what the heck, life is full of surprises! You should take this as an opportunity and spend time doing things you like to do...keep yourslef busy! Coz' once you are in a big city...beleive me, you'll crave for those free-time! And I'm not suggesting you to be a loner but don't stress yourself over such things....such is life. Enjoy your spare time.
Bug.
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