| MANISH |
Posted
on 18-Mar-02 03:41 PM
THE MOTHER SUDDENLY realizes something that’s so easy to forget: children are always listening. Even when they don’t understand the meaning of all the words, they pick up the emotion. And a child who wants to believe that Mommy and Daddy are the most wonderful people in the world must somehow deal with the bad vibes coming from their heroes.
I wish there were some term in our language for my relationship to Pam. Saying “my husband’s ex-wife” is a bit long. I know some stepmoms have much more colorful names for the mother of their husband’s children. I’ve often heard “the ex,” usually said with disdain. Anyone, even a child, could hear the hate. I mostly just refer to her as “Pam,” maybe “the kids’ mom” if it’s someone who doesn’t already know her. I say it like I’m talking about a friend, which sometimes confuses people. We’re not best buddies or anything, since, besides Dave and their kids, there’s not that much we have in common. But the children (two boys and a girl, ages 14, 12 and 10) provide us with lots of material to talk about, and lots of reasons for treating each other with kindness.
After watching “Stepmom,” I felt very fortunate that my relationship with Pam was so good. At one point, early on in our relationship, she turned to me and said: “I hope my daughter grows up to be just like you.” I almost cried. I’d hoped she wouldn’t worry about leaving the children with us some weekends, and that she wouldn’t say anything too unkind about me to her children. She blew me away.
My friends and family thought I was insane when I told them that the six of us—myself, Dave, Pam and their three kids—were going on summer vacation together. I thought I might be insane, too, and that first trip had its tense moments. But we worked it out, and now the kids get one big trip every year, instead of two smaller vacations.
I’m not saying it was easy or didn’t take some getting used to. Or that the big annual family vacation is for everyone. I know Pam may someday remarry, and it might be to someone who’s not keen on the great big everyone’s-invited vacation. I’m confident that if we need to, we’ll figure something out.
There’s been a time or two I’ve thought about how simple life would have been if I’d fallen in love with someone who had no kids and no ex-wife. But there’s nothing like the feeling I get when one of the children comes up to me, for no particular reason, says “I love you” and gives me a great big hug.
I’m lucky that Pam is a caring mother, as well as a fundamentally good person. I’m also fortunate that Dave and Pam’s relationship is a good one—possibly better than it was when they struggled with an unhappy marriage. I especially appreciate how Pam considers me a good influence on the kids, and someone they might learn from. Those are things I know aren’t true for all mixed families, and they make a huge difference.
If there is one trick to our getting along, even when challenges arise, I’d say it’s our common goal: to make sure those kids are cared for as best as we can. When I feel an unpleasant emotion coming on—jealousy, hurt, anger—and I have the urge to yell and complain, I make an effort to stop myself and think. Maybe I didn’t get to go to an event I wanted to attend because that was the one day that the kids could come over. Or maybe Dave spent what seemed like a long time on the phone with Pam. There have been times when I didn’t stop and think, and what-ever came out of my mouth felt selfish and whiny, and I later regretted having said it.
I keep in mind that these kids are going to be young for only a little while longer, and that my words could be soaked right into their absorbent minds. Usually I decide the cause of the unpleasant emotion isn’t that important. Occasionally, after the heat of the moment has passed, I find I’m still bothered by whatever it was. Then it’s much easier to gather reasonable words and calmly say: “It bothered me when...” Dave listens and values my opinion—that’s part of why I married him.
Because Pam and her children are in my life, I’ve learned a lot about love and all the many forms it can take. To borrow from another movie—they make me want to be a better person. After all, what if, in some small way, those kids do grow up to be a little like me, too?
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