| NK |
Posted
on 29-Mar-02 07:26 AM
Was in my mailbox, from a "dog person" friend of mine...
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL - by Momoko A.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy
pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
from top of armoire. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill form foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
From carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for last
of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve f------
cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
roves pill remnants form right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have
any hamsters or birds.
HOW TO GIVE DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
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