| Gokul |
Posted
on 15-Feb-01 01:07 PM
Ghotlyain # 1
"Yahi bhayina ra hunu parne ko godhuli sansar maa ma chhu.." Shankar Lamichhane.
Oneday I was just wondering what it could mean to me when I was feeling nostalgic, narcissistic and drenching myself with self pity. I looked outside the window of my 35th floor office and
wondered whether I was just like one of those small vehicles that seemed like a flea when looked from the top. Lured by the avaricious capitalism of the west, dwarfed by the incessible desire for self promotion and individuality, rendered a machine by a monotonous routine life, I wake up every midnight haunted by a nightmare. It is the nightmare of my utter failure - a failure to lead the downtrodden masses, a failure to curb the rampant corruption and degradation that is devouring my country, and above all a failure to be true to myself. It is really a pity that in these moments of retrospection and soul searching (which are very rare), I see very clearly how I have gone astray. I try to garner some determination to return to my true self but suddenly the insidious philosophization creeps in my mind which instantly starts validating all my indulgence, aberrations and impotence and a very cynical and complacent smile spreads on my lips and then I reiterate like a vedic hymn:
"Yahi bhayina ra hunu parne ko godhuli sansar maa ma chhu.."
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