| Username |
Post |
| narendra"sahara" |
Posted
on 21-Jun-02 02:17 PM
MAUSAM BADLINA SAKCHA
GHAM AASTAUNA SAKCHA
TARA PANI
MERA EE LOBHI AANKHA
TIMILAI NAI KHOJI RAHANCHA
PAANI KO KE MAATLAB
JABA PYAAS CHAINA
KHANA KO KE RAHAR
JABA BHOG CHAINA
JINDAGI KO KE MITHAS
JABA TIMRO SAATH CHAINA
DIN BITDAI JAANCHA
RAAT KATDAI JAANCHA
TARA PANI MERA EE DHADKAN
TIMILAI NAI SAMJHI RAHANCHA
HAWAMA HALIYEKO MAYA HAINA
JO HURILAY UDAYERA LAANE CHA
DUBERA DUBINE MAYA HAINA
JO BAADILAY BAAGAYERA LAANE CHA
AASHA CHA TA KEBAL
AABA YO JINDAGIMA
TIMRO NISTHURI MAYAKO
KINAKI MERA EE LOBI AANKHA
AAJHAI TIMILAI NAI KHOJI RAHANCHA
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| Voltaire |
Posted
on 21-Jun-02 07:25 PM
Mr Sahara,
Poem uttam chha. Dont feel offended tara nimna kuraa maa dhyaan diyemaa yo kabita "Ajha raamro" hune thiyo:
>> MAUSAM BADLINA SAKCHA
>>GHAM AASTAUNA SAKCHA
These two things happen for sure. Tehi bhayera: Mausam Badlinchha..Ghaam Astaauchha..
>>JABA BHOG CHAINA
The BHOG over here: Did you mean "pleasure"? May be you meant.."BHOK"(hunger).
>>TARA PANI MERA EE DHADKAN
>>TIMILAI NAI SAMJHI RAHANCHA
no1: "EE" means you are not talking about just one Dhadkan. So...RAHANCHHAN
no2: I am surprised that DHADKAN actually SAMJHI RAHANCHHA. How about replacing it with MUTU, HRIDAYA or something like that before people start saying "MERO TAUKO TIMLAAI SAMJHIRAHANCHHA"...
>>DUBERA DUBINE MAYA HAINA
>>JO BAADILAY BAAGAYERA LAANE CHA
Meaning: Maya dubne bhaye baadal le bagayera laijaani thiyo? Yo ta ali kabita jastai suniyena yaar.
Good Luck with your other poems. I hope to read more poems of yours here.
Take Care,
|
| kancho |
Posted
on 21-Jun-02 09:50 PM
Voltaire:
Ramro critique!
K
|
| Voltaire |
Posted
on 22-Jun-02 02:38 AM
Sahara ra K,
Yo mero choto kabita bandhu haruko laagi. Yo kabita Bhupi ko "Ey Jun" chanda maa lekhiyeko chha.
Kapaas jastai hridayelaai
dhungaa jastai banaauna sikaayou
Andhakaar maa ma timilaai khoji rahechhu jun
Khai timi kataa haraayou
Bhaawanaa haru bagthe meraa uile
tara aaja timile sabai thappa garaayou
Itihaas maa aad laagera ramaauna ma sakina
Tesaile,
Nayaa rastaa haru khojdaa khojdai meraa paailaa larbaraairahechhan
sakchyou bhane baru mitri jun
sital muskaan maatrai haina ghaam ko raap pani liyera aau
meraa ikchyaa haru ajhai tadpaai khojirahechhan!!
|
| narendra"sahara" |
Posted
on 22-Jun-02 11:50 AM
Volatire bandhu, critique ko lagi dhanyabadh. i agree with wat u say. next time when i sit down, i'll definetly think about that.
|
| sikaru |
Posted
on 22-Jun-02 02:28 PM
voltaire jee plus sabai jana , can u please give ur critic najar to my recent ek minute muktak?
asha haru piyera ritii sake
tara jati runda pani yee anshu kina nikhridainan ?
ek vogai mai mera khusi haru sidhhiye
Ooth(lips) ra dant( teeth) ta mera durustai (intact) chhan
tara kina jati prayatna garda pani hasna sakdina?
sikaru
|
| Voltaire |
Posted
on 22-Jun-02 07:08 PM
Sikaru bandhu ko kabitaa ati uttam chha. Ma hajur ko thaumaa bhaa bhaye, tyo kabitaa laai yesto banauthe:
asha haru piyera rittiyi sake
--Tara Aashuko mul sukna sakena--
--Khusiko bhandaar rikta bhayechha kyaare--
--Oothharu ta ustai chhan,--
--prayetna pani gare kai hu--
--Kintu--
--Muskan chutna sakena--
Kasto chha?
General Comments:
1. "Dant" does not make so much of a diffrence in smiling; ali odd pani suniyo. Tehi bhayera tellai avoid garnu nai raamro."Sahara" ko kabitaa maa "dhadkan" bhane jasto bhayo ki?
2.>>ek vogai mai mera ...
Bhannaale, "eutaa affair le nai khusi haru rityaaidiyo". Yo sentence le "tapaiki Uni" laai ali naraamro impression delaa ki? Just a thought.
3. >>nikhridainan
Nepali maa tyo "Anukaranaatmak" sabda hunchha ni..testai you sabda le ali laye bigaridiyo. Arthaat, kabitaa ko mithaas "garlyaam gurlumma" bhatkayo yo sabda le.
Anne pathak haru laai mathikaa kabitaa tathaa mero bichar maathi raaye dina anurodh chha. Aile laai bhane you arko chhoto muktak (by the way, you muktak paile pani post garyaa the yehaa):
Chitiz ko ghaam laai chumu bhanthe
Baadalko bhumarimaa bilin bhayechhu
Sindurko janti jaanchhu bhanthe
Bidawaako, taipani, malaama pugechhu.
Take Care,
|
| sikaru |
Posted
on 23-Jun-02 02:21 AM
voltaire jee, thanx
I personally want to avoid cliche while writting poem and i get utmost satisfaction when i feel my poems with very rough( mutu nai kotarne) words. I dont know why my finishing touch always tends to give an ugly out look and i like to explore the inner beauty in it. So i politely disapprove ur version
bagrelti dara ra nagra haru chhariyeko yo batoma
kin aaja yesto apoorba shanti?
Mahishashur haru kumbha karna ko aavaran ma
arko kun sanhar ko patkath kordaichhan?
|
| Voltaire |
Posted
on 23-Jun-02 02:49 PM
Sikaru,
Yehaa ko jawaaf sarai man paryo. Critic garnu bhanera bhayekole maatrai maile "mero" bichaar diyeko hu.
Aakhir sabaile eutai saili maa kabitaa lekhe bhane ta majaa pani ta hunna ni, ki kaso?
|
| $$$ |
Posted
on 24-Jun-02 02:14 PM
kabita ramro cha. tara mehanat dherai garnu parcha. keep tryin
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