| Username |
Post |
| ashu |
Posted
on 20-Aug-00 11:28 PM
What follows is an attempt at writing humor/satire. This is a work of fiction.
This was published in The Kathmandu
in May, 1999.
This is here for your enjoyment only.
*****************
A Suitable Girl
A fictional satire
By Bhupendra Rawat
My parents wanted me to get married. Every evening, as I returned home from office and slumped down on the family couch with a cup of steaming Ilam chiya, my mother's constant "its time you got married, Bhupu," only made me switch the TV channels all the more.
OK, I agree that my parents are not orthodox morons, hell-bent on forcing me to marry someone they have chosen.
But I couldn't help feeling very annoyed everytime the topic of wedding came
up. As a 20-something male working as a banker by day, and watching movies by night, I had yet to find my Miss Right in Kathmandu. Simply put, she seemed not to exist at all.
Meantime, the women of my dreams seemed to visit me only in my dreams: Manisha Koirala, Aishwarya Rai, Pamela Anderson Lee, that
MTV India VJ who calls herself Shehnaz and bevies of other unattainably luscious babes.
What's a under-pressure-to-get-married guy like me to do in Kathmandu?
The problem seemed to sort itself out when well-meaning relatives started arranging "dates" for me. My deal was to meet carefully
pre-screened (i.e. of the right caste/class/height/weight/complexion . . .
whatever) Nepali women -- one at a time, at some restaurant. She and I were supposed to talk, laugh, gaze into each other's eyes, and if sparks flew, I was to ask her out again and again, until she -- I suppose, in a moment of insanity -- said yes.
If no sparks flew, well, there was nothing to get burned up about. This, I was assured, was a liberal, Westernized Hindu Nepali's sort of civilized halfway between a blind date and an engagement.
Fine. But would I meet my soul-mate this way?
MISS BOOK REVIEW: I met her at Nanglo Restaurant & Bar (rooftop) on Durbar Marg. Delicately picking at ceasar salad, she gushed about the Beatles, Merchant-Ivory movies and Pratyoush Onta's writings. Her idea of fun included listening to Hari Prasad Chaurasiya play the flute, spending hours at the Mandala Book Point browsing through their Penguin book selections and reading back issues of Himal magazine and The Kathmandu Post Review of Books.
Talking with her, I felt I had to be extra witty, extra smart and extra not-so-myself. And so, in the end, with my head bursting with gyan-goon ka kura gained from her, I decided that she would be mismatched with a Yuba Manch- and Kamana-magazine reading
idiot like me.
Miss AMERICA-OBSESSED: At Fire & Ice in Thamel, this youngest daughter of a corrupt bureaucrat candidly admitted that the only reason she was meeting me was to find out whether I would take her to the US.
Why was America so important to her?
Because all her sisters were there with
their java programmer husbands.
Besides, she added, "In America, there would be freedom to do whatever I want". When I explained that I was in Nepal for good, largely to take care of my parents, she got up, pouted her lips, and gave me a sweet bye-bye -- leaving her mushroom pizza-pie
on the table, half-uneaten.
Miss HINDI FILMI: Fashionably dressed and strikingly made up with a dash of Erotique perfume wafting out of her buxom self, this woman was waiting for me at Aroma Restaurant in Jamal. Since shrill Hindi music was blaring from the speakers, we slowly ended up chatting about Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol.
Soon after, over mango lassi, we were comparing notes about the sorry state of Nepali cinema, and, she went on to express her obligatory Kathmandu's middle-classy concerns about Nepal's losing its cultural, social values "due to [what else but] hindi-nization".
Sadly, in the end, unlike in that super-hit Shah Rukh-Kajol movie, nothing 'kuch kuch' happened between us!!
Miss NGO ACTIVIST: Over sweet and sour pork at Rice & Bowl in Tripureswor, this young lady looked straight into my eyes, and explained what she had majored at some
pricey liberal arts in Maasachusetts. She
was articulate, and seemed to know more about Nepal than I ever hoped/cared to. Her job was in Saptari, where she was supervising poor Chamar women on some gender-based income-generating project.
Miss NGO activist was obviously very smart, earnest, dedicated, and sounded like just the woman needed for Nepal ko Bikas. But, in the end, moved both by patriotism and mostly
by self-doubts, I thought that such a
dynamic woman must be saved to run the
country someday.
So, there I was: Four dates, and no suitable girl in my arms.
Surely, there must be a few marrigeable Nepali women with a great sense of humor, intelligence and a zest for life, right?
But, sitting here in Kathmandu, I wonder,
and I wonder. THE END.
[note: None of the above women exist.
None of these dates ever took place. What
you just read was/is a work of fiction.
For the sake of gender equity, stay tuned
for a posting of another satire called "A suitable boy".)
oohi
ashu
|
| Biswo |
Posted
on 21-Aug-00 12:24 AM
Good work .I laughed about ten times reading
your article.It was really a fun to read
such a nice article, which I refuse to believe to be only a fiction!! it mirrors
a reality..
|
| ashu |
Posted
on 21-Aug-00 12:52 PM
>I refuse to
>believe to be only a fiction!! it
>mirrors a reality..
Many thanks for your compliments.
Appreciate them.
On another note, the piece, alas, remains
a work of fiction. Nothing more than that.
I wrote it up one night in April '99
in Boston to make a friend in Virginia
smile :-)
oohi
ashu
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| Biswo Nath Poudel |
Posted
on 22-Aug-00 07:18 PM
>Why was America so important to her?
> Because all her sisters were there >with
> their java programmer husbands.
It may be an outstanding querulous comment,
but I think it hurts me alot when I see
people derogating computer scientists to a
mere Java programmer.
I earlier jot down some words about ego in
some circle of society.I acknowledge that ego
and intolerance resides within me also.As
a computer scientist myself, I always loved
this appellation, rather than to be reduced
as a java programmer,or a c programmer, or an Oracle manager.My ego resuscitated after two
days of dormancy, and I felt I should be
honest with my feeling..
Now I hope Ashuji, that the girl's sisters
that you told were married to java
programmers were married to just programmers,
fresh after one year training in some
training institute in Delhi or Bangalore,not
the computer scientists who had to hastle
through all those project due dates that
their megalomaniac,inconsiderate and sadist
professors meted out every week.
(This comment will be most relished if you
take it as a sequel to your humor, rather
than a real complaint.)
Biswo.
|
| ashu |
Posted
on 22-Aug-00 10:29 PM
Poudel-ji wrote:
***********
(This comment will be most relished if you
take it as a sequel to your humor, rather
than a real complaint.)
Biswo.
---------------------------------------------
Oh, absolutely!! Humor adds to humor,
and your comments are just great.
The whole "a suiable girl" article,
after all, remains a work of fiction, designed to, as I wrote earlier,
bring a smile on a certain friend's face :-) The friend did smile.
As for my reference to "java programmers",
it was in jest!!
On another note, the Polish poet you were
asking the name of in another posting is:
Wislawa Symborszka (sp?), who won the Nobel
Prize for literature in 1996.
In March '99, we in Boston had a fabulous "kabita party", organized by Dr. Mabi Singh, Muna Shrestha and Anu Shrestha
at their then apartment near Davis Square.
At the time, while others like Mabi, Basanta Shrestha and Pradeep Bista and others shared their own poems, and Pushkar Pokharel sang some Bacchu Kailash numbers, I had the good fortune to recite a few of Symborszka's (translated-to-English) poems. It was a
fun gathering.
Everyone should read her poetry.
oohi
ashu
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| Biswo |
Posted
on 22-Aug-00 11:13 PM
Re:Poem of Nepalese in USA.
In an unrelated note:Ashuji, last month
there was this much publicized Nepalese
gathering in Atlanta, and I was one of the
fortunates to attend that.I relished the
participation in poem festival also.
Can you believe ,sir, how subpar poems
were presented there by our USbased Nepalese?
And sadly they were pitted against the best
of Nepalese literatures like Kshetra Pratap
Adhikari,Manjul and this newcomer Namrata
Luitel(or Guragai?) who bagged second prize
in the end.
I have been to Boston only once in my life
time, and that was in the last Christmas. So,
I know almost nobody(because the person I
knew there has moved out of Boston now)
there,but would appreciate it if you guys
send me the i-address where I can read them.
I wish some of your brightest youth had
participated in the Atlanta event.
And also, I have a mentionable faculty in
terms of story writing, and I have a
list of publication in Garima and Madhupark
and even in Kantipur to "show-off".But,as
you can guess,they were written long ago
when I used to practice in Nepalese/English
language and not these weird Java/C++ or
,you know,how many more crazy stuffs..which
still tend to brag in this "language"
identification....Well,my purpose of bragging
this much is "please Bostonbasi haru,let
me know if you guys become damn serious about
organizing story writing competition/or
event." through email or this same website.
|
| oohi_ashu |
Posted
on 22-Oct-01 02:24 PM
Hi all,
I am gathering all my satirical/humorous articles to be put in one place for . . . and this one may bring some amusement to some of you who have not read this yet.
On another note, Salil Subedi and I have been wondering -- as a format for a humorous article -- what if our historical figures Prithivi Narayan Shah, Bhimsn Thapa, Chandra Shumsher and the rest had posted their stuff on Internet Bulletin Boards like this one?
You know, stuff like:
***************
Posted on 08-20-1831 11:28 PM Reply | Notify Me
Hi all,
My army conquered Kathmandu today amidst festivities of the Indra Jatra
festival. That poor guy Jaya Sthiti Malla could do nothing but watch helplessly. Even the Kumari gave me her blessings, and now my dream of having
Kathmandu as the capital has come true.
Special takma to Mr. Khawas for his bravery!!
Good work, Gorkhalis!!
Sincerely,
Prithivi Narayan Shah
***************************
Posted on 08-20-1856 10:28 AM Reply | Notify Me
Namaste all,
The stupid British have shut off all the water mains. We are inside this stupid fort and we have no water. We are dying of thirst. But we will not surrender. We will not surrender. We will not surrender.
yours,
Bal Bhadra
Nala Pani
********************************
and so on and on . . . would it be a funny piece? I will try to post the completed work after Dassain here.
oohi
ashu
ktm,nepal
|
| Biswo |
Posted
on 22-Oct-01 02:45 PM
>>That poor guy Jaya Sthiti Malla could do nothing but watch helplessly
Ashu, it is Jaya Prakash Malla.
Anyway, we will enjoy your humours. Wish you good luck.
|
| oohi_ashu |
Posted
on 22-Oct-01 02:50 PM
Yes, that is right, Biswo.
Thanks for the correction.
oohi
ashu
ktm,nepal
|
| anwpalikt |
Posted
on 22-Oct-01 07:48 PM
Ashu Tosh Tiwari:
May I advise that you not venture to the "historical" figures' POV satires... for starters, just from the brief example you gave, all I can say is - I find your appropriation of Pritvi Narayan Shah and the conquest of Kathmandu story insensitive and offensive. Who know what Pritvi Narayan would have said? who cares? I just don't want clods like you projecting your own sick imagination into it. I certainly don't get what you find so funny about that "joke"?! Enlighten me!
And what is so funny about Nepali braves dying of thirst and starvation in a fort?
You asked: "Would it be a funny piece?"
No!
It would be offensive.
" I will try to post the completed work after Dassain here."
Please refrain from doning so.
And I have to say the "Suitable Girl" peice was indeed real... except for someone actually wanting to read Onta!!
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| ashutosh |
Posted
on 22-Oct-01 10:13 PM
Hi there,
Thanks for your views.
I will go ahead, finish that piece and post it here for all to read and comment
on. If everyone hates that article, tells me so, that's fine too. There IS room
for all kinds of views here.
Taking humor a bit, well, humorously, I take this GBNC Bulletin Board as though
it were a Buffet Dinner Table at a GBNC party.
I mean, we take what "food" (i.e. postings) we like here and put it on our "plate", and we ignore what we don't like. And life goes on just fine.
oohi
ashu
ktm,nepal
|
| Bhupendra |
Posted
on 25-Oct-01 11:24 AM
Hey, who is this Bhupendra Rawat character? :)
Seems like a pretty suave kind-of guy.
Is it better to marry the girl you love or love the girl you marry?
Hey Ashu, let us read the next work!
BP
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| ashu |
Posted
on 25-Oct-01 12:54 PM
>Hey, who is this Bhupendra Rawat character? :
Hey Bhupendra,
Great to have you in this forum!!
Welcome to gbnc.org
For the last five years or so, I have been publishing my attempts at writing
humor (for whatever that's worth!) under this pen-name of
"Bhupendra Rawat".
Using this name to write humor frees up -- or so I believe -- my real name to
tackle so-called uncertain, difficult and perhaps controversial social-science-y
type of issues -- stuff, you know, that juices me up intellectally!!
Believe it or not, the name Bhupendra Rawat is actually inspired by two friends: You, Bhupendra Pradhan (LA) -- someone I have known since my STX days, and Sri Dhar Rawat (Tulsipur, Dang, Nepal), someone I got to know for a brief while when I was taking time off from Harvard to live and work among the Kamaiyas in Far Western Nepal.
Though I have lost touch with Sri Dhar (the last I heard, he had become a
Maoist rebel -- which struck me odd, for he was too cheerful to be joining those who kll innocent policemen!), I consider him to be one of the wittiest/funniest Nepalis I have ever met in my life.
So, you two are responsible for the name Bhupendra Rawat :-)
>Is it better to marry the girl you love or
>love the girl you marry?
I don't know: I saw this Iraeli movie recently in which a character says, "No one marries their true love"
So, go figure :-)
>Hey Ashu, let us read the next work!
Sure, in due course.
Thanks, Bhup. Time-permitting, do drop in here; we are tying to make this forum
lively, fun and great -- with a just a dash of controversy now and then.
oohi
ashu
ktm,nepal
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| mya |
Posted
on 25-Oct-01 12:54 PM
Hey Ashu that article of yours was very funny and i can't wait to read
the one on "a suitable male." And of course the characters that you portrayed in your article do depict neplese women to a certain extent right? In any case you got me cracking up and by the way those restaurants, do they exist?
ciao!
|
| dariwal |
Posted
on 25-Oct-01 01:14 PM
nice work ashu!
|
| Bhupendra |
Posted
on 26-Oct-01 06:47 PM
Ashu, when you do write "A Suitable Boy," I hope it will not be under the pen name of "Bhupendra Rawat."
But then again, it might be even more interesting!
Bhup
|
| Babe |
Posted
on 30-Oct-01 06:49 PM
Ashu,
I am still laughing yaar!! That was a good one.Keep up!!Not just for guys but even for gals its not easy to find a life partner.
Babe
|
