| Username |
Post |
| Golteen |
Posted
on 08-Aug-02 10:29 AM
Letter from Mom
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slowly cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address cause the Newfie family that used to live here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time, and four days the second time. The coat we wanted to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home. They said
if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral - "Up she comes". About your fadder, he has a lovely job. He has 500 people under him - he is cutting grass at the cemetery. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so we don't know whether you're an aunt or an uncle. Your uncle John fell into the whiskey vat. They tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck; one was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out by rolling down a window and swimming to safety, while the two in the back drowned. Apparently they couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much news this time, nothing much happened.
Love, Mom.
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| invisible |
Posted
on 09-Aug-02 02:21 PM
humurous mom...
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| ya |
Posted
on 09-Aug-02 03:30 PM
funny....
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| dad |
Posted
on 09-Aug-02 10:25 PM
Letter from Dad,
Dear son,
You may have got a letter or more from a woman pretending to be your mom. She recently was arrested for walking naked in the street. Before I'd seen her tearing off our house number and giving it to a neighbor. It was only last month she was cuddled up for a week, thinking it was raining. First three days she was in our sofa, then woke up and again went to bed, this time was asleep in your bed. There she laid for 4 days. It'd been a while the woman was behaving like this. She thinks I'm her husband, but I swear by god I cremated your mother myself in the place I work. I deserve a better woman than this, so do you deserve a better step-mother.
It'd been a nightmare keeping this woman off our yard... made weird sounds .. screamed, cried, shouted as she walkied up and down by our house. The moment I opened my door she'd rush in calling your name. I tried to push her out, but she would not go. One day she was on top of me, both of us naked. Then I realized I had left the front door open that night. I had to pay 200 dollars only then she 'd go away.
Anyway don't be distracted by this woman or her bodily pictures she sends you. Keep your mind focused on your education. And don't think she is your mom and I've lied to you! For I swear your mother is under me!
Nothing much has happened between her and me, so the letter is short!
With love,
your dad
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| Letter to (thir) teen son |
Posted
on 10-Aug-02 09:15 AM
By Ken Swarner
Copyright 2001
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Monday
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Son,
Good morning, unless of course you slept past noon, again. While I am = at work, please mow the lawn and put the grass clippings in the recycle bin (not under the house). Afterwards, please walk your sister down to Lisa Rangale's home. If Mrs. Rangale speaks to you, please don't grunt. Try using some of that English language you learned at school. How's the job-hunting going? Is it tough finding summer employment halfway = through the summer?
Love,
Dad.
P.S. Did I adopt your friends and not know it? One of them asked me for = $10 the other day, and another wanted to know when Grandma was visiting. = Then there's the kid who's been on the couch for six weeks with the remote control in his hands. He's wearing my pyjamas.
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Tuesday
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Son,
Good afternoon. The guest bathroom is for guests. You are not a guest = even though you act like one. Were we invaded yesterday by a band of pirates? There's not a lick of food in the house - even the baking soda = is gone. Guard the Jell-O with your life.
Love,
Dad.
P.S. Are those your initials you mowed into the lawn?
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Wednesday
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Son,
Good afternoon. If you are going to kiss your girlfriend, please have = the courtesy to do it inside, rather than in front of the mailboxes blocking Mrs. McCurdy next door from getting her mail. She's 72 and was grossed = out. You're not too old for summer camp, you know.
Love,
Dad.
P.S. I noticed you and your friends all bleached your hair yesterday. = Whose idea was it to do the same to the cat? She's fixed and de-clawed - = wasn't that enough for her to handle?
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Thursday
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Son,
Good afternoon. Is that our toilet paper hanging in Mrs. McCurdy's = trees? I recognized our light blue two-ply. I'm not sure what music that was = you were listening to in your room last night, but, before you bite the head = off a bat or something, I think we should talk. Any idea when you might = finish mowing the lawn?
Love,
Dad.
P.S. I hope you have a nice day at home. I'm thinking about licensing = our place as a youth hostel. Tell your friends I'll give them a special rate = if they take their feet off the coffee table.
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Friday
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Son,
Good afternoon. The garage sale was an interesting and ingenious idea = to compensate for your summer unemployment. However, I wish you had mowed = the lawn before you sold my lawn mower. What's your position on military academies?
Love,
Dad.
P.S. Someone's mom called this morning looking for her son. I asked her = to describe the boy, but she couldn't remember what he looked like anymore (wait till she sees the hair). Anyway, she's coming over tonight to = watch you kids eat - she's looking for the one who chews with his mouth open = (I hope he has some other distinguishing mark). I pray it's not your = friend who helped me push my car to the gas station this morning after you boys = ran it dry last night. He bought me a doughnut and called me sir. I'd miss = him terribly.
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