| namita kiran-thuene |
Posted
on 27-Apr-01 09:17 PM
I had a near-death experience last Monday. I wanted to write a really funny piece about it, except, the whole experience was not funny at all.
I was driving from west to east. as I was approaching this interection which I pass two times a day, I saw this white truck trying to take a left turn. And, I am thinking: of course he will yield, I have my lights on, it is a sunny day and my car is not that small that he won’t see it. Then, all I remember is a big “Bang!” and found myself crying. There were glass pebbles all over me, next to me and ½” thick on the passenger seat. Shreds of glasses on my skin, some spots bleeding and so on. Then I hear this voice asking me “are you all right? Shall I call the ambulance? Shall I call the police?” This three hundred pound gorilla that just hit my car was asking me these questions! Incredible! All I wanted to do at that time was just get out of the car and POW! Hit him in that fat chin! And see how he feels. Well, I could not because I am just a little over 100 lbs. My first reaction was to ask him a question. You see I just had been in hell and back and this guy who was responsible for this mess, was trying to be nice. And, all I could do was ask him a question. “where were you looking? This was in the middle of my crying and then I resumed crying once again.
I had heard that when you have a near-death experience you see a white tunnel and the tunnel is very quiet and people float. None! None whatsoever I saw any of those things. I think people were lying or I just did not have a near-death –experience. Even my air bags did not go off. Neither on the side nor from the steering wheel. I should ask for a refund! So what was this man thinking or looking at when he was swerving to the left? Why was he driving such a humongous truck? Hasn’t he heard of the green house effect? The hole in in ozone? Of course not, he must have been thinking maybe he should get this UNIMOG, the size of the extinct dinosauraus, the bigger the better. And I am thinking he should lose some serious weight! If he failed to kill somebody with his vehicle today he will surely kill with his sheer weight just by sitting on somebody.
Note: 1)well, maybe he was a 250 chimpanzee instead of a 300 lbs gorilla
2)Then again I am not a wafer thin maiden
3)It was not even a “near-death-experience”
By the way, has anybody read Dave Eggers “Heart Breaking Story of a Staggering Genius?” (something like that. I know the spelling of the name is correct, but not sure about the exact title) Now, some of my friends may ask what has this got to do with what I am writing? What has god got to do with this piece. That I am trying to prove my point bringing sexism, racism, holiness... und weiteres…. To those enlightened mass all I have to say is James Joyce. And if that does not ring a bell then they should all be put in a boat, not like noah’s ark though. The purpose of putting these people would be not to save them but rather put them in a secluded island, so they will never ever return to the civilization. Yes, I am mean - sometimes, actually quite often. Except, I hide it very well.
So finally the cops came donning their biased glasses and start to take a report. Well, they said the could not prove that he was taking a left turn because I quote here “we were not present at the scene when it happened.” Can you believe this? I wanted to grab his collar and shake him like a rag doll saying “You moron, you moron… you oxymoron…” Instead, I am adding his name to put him in That Boat. Now I am waiting for the insurance company’s oxymoronic refusal to pay for the damage to my car and that Gorilla’s lawyer suing me for going straight through a green light without looking on to my left.
I will keep you posted.
Namita Kiran-Thuene
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