| Username |
Post |
| ashu |
Posted
on 30-Apr-01 03:10 AM
I think there IS such a thing as 'cyber-frienship'.
There have been REAL reported cases where people have met on cyberspace, became friends, fell in love and married.
Last year in New York City, Kunga Tsering, a friend who originally started the Nepalsearch chat room, told me that
he had had Nepali couples thanking him from as far away as Australia. The couples, it turned out, had first met each
other in the chatroom -- designed by Kunga.
I have been lucky to have made a lot of friends through
the computer. Of course, the intensity of friendship varies
from person to person;
Over the years, I have learnt to keep my friendship rules
simple.
0) Never, EVER become the enemy of a person who is more intelligent and more connected than you are.
1) Trust a friend completely until the trust is seriously violated.
2) When trust is seriously violated, do NOT automatically assume the worst and jump to sweeping conclusions. If you are willing
to exercise some self-control, you may find some mitigating circumstances.
Who knows, maybe the friend is having some other problems -- you know, having a bad day, or a bad month, a bad semester or even a bad year. This happens, and friends, at times, behave strangely with you when they are dealing with pressures/forces/circumstances they themselves do not understand fully. Unless the friend asks for specific help, your mentaining a discreet but caring distance is probably more appreciated until the friend sorts out his or her problems.
3) When trust is seriously violated, calmly call, at an appropriate time, for rational, preferably FACE-to-FACE guff-sessions where YOU do MOST of the listening. Often, the outcome of this is at least a 'working friendship', which is much
better than sworn enemity.
If the explanations are satisfactory, then forgive the
friend, and move on to being friends WITHOUT ever
bringing up the past again.
4) If the friend refuses to come to the table and work things
out, then wish him/her well. All you can do is say goodbye to him/her and move on. The friend is not worth your time and
effort. Still, NEVER, ever speak ill of this former friend.
5) If the friend refuses to come to the table to work things
out, and REPEATEDLY goes on to badmouth/discredit/speak ill of you in public, thereby negatively influencing the emotional
state of other friends too (and you have solid evidence for all this), then, it's time to roll up your sleeves and engage in
an all-out frontal assault.
You are then, at least in my book, totally justified in -- carefully and strategically -- slamming that ex-friend
totally against the wall (metaphorically, of course) and completely 'destroying' him (as far as you are concerned!).
This is the no-retreat "brahma -astra" you want to use only
after exhausting all other options.
The thing with this approach is that this requires a lot of energy, relentlessness, persistence and the mind like that of
a first-class chess player. Thankfully, I have had to use this
this only once in my life :-), and hope that I'll never have to use it against anyone else again. :-)
6) Of course, if you have done anything stupid to a friend, use
number (3) above number to be quick to say 'sorry' and apologize, and let the friend decide how s/he wants to judge you.
Anyway, looking back, these rules have worked for me with
varying degrees of 'success'. I don't know whether they'll work for others.
oohi
ashu
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| gokul |
Posted
on 30-Apr-01 12:14 PM
Mathamusings:
The number of friends in 2 or 3 digits.
The number of very intimate friends in 1 digit.
Limit n -> 0 where n is the number of enemy.
Frustration = Expectation - fulfillment
All things arise and pass away. Expectations become frustration in the course of time. Your own self is your best and the most trustworthy friend.
|
| Ram |
Posted
on 30-Apr-01 02:51 PM
Except that when you go out to destroy someone with your brahma-astra, you end up destroying yourself in the process. I've seen that happen SOOOO many times. As they say, as you sow, so you reap.
|
| ashu |
Posted
on 30-Apr-01 08:57 PM
My dear Ram,
Thank you for your kind words.
I wanted certain 'friend' like yourself to
read what I wrote (especially the 'brama-astra'
part), and REACT to it.
Thank you for not disappointing me.
Meantime, you are entitled to your
judgments.
At the least, it's gratifying that 'friend'
like yourself read and re-read
my postings. Thank you.
To paraphrase someone famous: "I'd
do anything for a friend, but if you insist on
making me your enemy, I can be the best
enemy you can ever have."
Amen!
oohi
ashu
|
| Hari |
Posted
on 30-Apr-01 09:23 PM
Would you guys knock it out? Why provoke the provocateur?
Hari
|
| samir |
Posted
on 01-May-01 11:13 AM
I second that. Haven't you heard goolai chalaye gandha?
|
| bj |
Posted
on 01-May-01 11:41 AM
Sometimes just wishing one's former friends well is not enough. One is still obliged to pay back the sums owed to them. To requote the words of another famous person, you cannot force someone to be your friend; you can only force them to be your enemy.
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| namita |
Posted
on 01-May-01 05:13 PM
Come again?
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| Hom Raj |
Posted
on 02-May-01 12:17 AM
Ummm ... re Ashu's #0 strategy point:
0) Never, EVER become the enemy of a person who is more intelligent and more connected than you are.
Does this mean it's OK to become the enemy of a person who is LESS intelligent and LESS connected? I hope this is number Zero because you're not seroius. It totally sucks.
No offense dude.
|
| ashu |
Posted
on 02-May-01 01:19 AM
Hi Hom Raj,
These are, as I wrote, rules for myself, and they have, on the whole, have worked fine for me. It's all right if they are not
to everyone's satisfaction -- I don't expect to please everyone with my rules. :-) [I also admit to these rules having been
influenced by stories of "Pancha Tantra" and the Chineses
"Art of War".
Largely though: In today's knowledge/network economy --in which relationships are fluid, team-work is valued and yesterday's friend can be tomorrow's competitor-- it's best to have as few enemies as possible and have many 'working friendships' with as many people as possible.
After all, having an enemy is bad enough. Having an enemy
who is smarter, and who is more connected is even worse.
If you must have enemies, then, my rule is: Steer clear from people smarter/more connected than you are. Sure, you don't
have to like/admire/respect such people and hang out with them socially. But having a basic 'working friendship' with them
does you no harm.
I have also learnt -- from writer Khagendra Sangraula -- that you can, at the same time, admire/respect/like people for certain things about their lives while not doing the same for other
things in their lives.
People are never so clear-cut and black-and-white that you can totally love them for this or hate them for that. There's a huge grey area in between, and much of our lives are spent on defining
those grey areas for ourselves. [This is one reason why people
who are too perfect, who are too nice and who are too good worry me in that I suspect that they are NOT being authentic on some level.]
But if you insist on -- Gorkhali-style-- being an enemy anyway, then, running on your own emotional bitterness and feeding off other people's limbic rage for a long time, you yourself will
end up being miserable, sad and a pathetic creature. This will
be your choice.
If that's what you want, fine.
If not, surely better solutions exist, as the bhaktas of Steven
Covey surely know :-)
oohi
ashu
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