| Username |
Post |
| Koko |
Posted
on 13-Nov-02 10:39 AM
This was in the "Washington Post"... the title of the article
was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
This is pretty good. Drunk and horny, he still came up with
this! Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male,
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence
will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,
and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The
suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there is no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
stated in a phone interview from the jail. Lawrence went on to state that
he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt
was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to
satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you
know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence
apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and
was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached
him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer
Taylor."I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then
looked me straight in the face and said "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight
already?"
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| Koko |
Posted
on 13-Nov-02 10:50 AM
Clinton & A New Gallup Poll
Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said ''Not again.''
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| KoKo |
Posted
on 13-Nov-02 02:38 PM
In light of the Eight Mile the MOVIE
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
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| KoKo |
Posted
on 13-Nov-02 02:42 PM
A man stubbed his toe while walking on the beach and looked down to see Aladdin's lamp. Knowing the story, he picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. The genie said, "Your wish is my command. Unfortunately, I am not a powerful genie and can only grant you one wish."
The man stated that he had always wanted to visit his ancestral home in Europe but was afraid of flying and didn't trust boats. "Genie," he said, "I want you to build a highway across the ocean so that I can drive to Europe."
The genie considered the logistics, driving pilings down through miles of water and then having the winds and sea lash at the pavement on the road. "That's pretty difficult," he said. "Is there something else that I can do for you?"
The man thought for a moment and said, "I want to understand women."
The genie thought and replied, "Do you want that highway to be 2 lanes or four?"
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| KoKo |
Posted
on 13-Nov-02 03:01 PM
MOSCOW -- Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for
the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the
middle of a championship game!
No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three
officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed
with blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart.
Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or
HCE.
"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says
Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his
temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games,
startled by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium,
his head popped like a firecracker."
Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has
spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the
last 25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991,
when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was
reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare
physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and
expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert.
"It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by
the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during periods of intense
mental activity when lots of current is surging through the brain. Victims
are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both Miss
Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral
circuits overloaded. In a way it could be said they were literally too
smart for their own good."
Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he
hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who
have it will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know
much about HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years
before research money becomes available."
In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too
hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're
doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.
Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you
have the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A "yes"
answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean that you
have HCE:
1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can
indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It
could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your
head? (This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the
cerebral cortex.)
4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your
checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is
a tendency to over-use the brain.)
5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples?
(Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of
head pressure in times of strong emotion.)
6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets? (A
craving for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical
pressure in the cranium.)
7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often
introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)
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| KoKo |
Posted
on 13-Nov-02 03:03 PM
Divers out of Louisiana perform underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail one sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a
bad day at the office, remember this letter...
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at
the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This
time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap
sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature,
then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the
air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,
is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck, this floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened...
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. The crack of my butt was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35
minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear
were tied to the bell.
When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his
face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to put it on my butt when I get
in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap for
two days because my butt... was swollen shut. I later found out that this
could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the
leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think
about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
your butt.
I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this
willmake them more tolerable.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 14-Nov-02 11:45 AM
Measuring Manhood: The Official Way
Well-endowed blokes hoping to win the ‘Biggest Willy’ award in the next
issue of the Guinness Book of Records will be measured by judges when
both flaccid and erect, the Sun revealed this week.
“An average of the two lengths is then taken to arrive at the final
figure,” the paper said.
“The measuring must be carried out by a doctor and with two independent
witnesses present.” The current leader in the size does matter category
averages out at 16 inches (40cm).
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| Koko |
Posted
on 14-Nov-02 11:49 AM
Royal Drug Sex Appeal Shocker
Smoking pot and hanging round with cocaine snorting Toffs could boost
one’s sex appeal, judging by Tatler magazine’s latest survey of
England’s “most eligible boys”.
“Prince Harry’s ‘Bad boy of Buckingham Palace’ image puts him top of
the
glossy’s list of the 100 most desirable”, the Standard reported this
week, a claim Tatler editor Georgie Greig appeared to endorse.
“Harry has a naughty but nice element,” he fawned.
“He’s irreverent, mischievous and terrific looking.”
His relatively well-behaved (better looking?) older brother Prince
William, didn’t even make it into the magazine’s Top 10 sexy boys.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 14-Nov-02 01:56 PM
CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE
"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.
he tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just
couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the
first married gods.
Robbie, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell ...That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular.
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8
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