| Username |
Post |
| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 19-Nov-02 06:05 PM
"Untitled"
Sometimes
in the starkness of what I may have said
in the shadows of what you may have heard
is an unspoken word—
like the falling of the autumn leaf
gliding down from the branch whence it fell
its gentle crackling sound audible but to itself
and only its descent visible to passers by.
Sometimes
in the unspoken word you may have said
in the clarity of what I may have heard
is an echoing voice—
like the rustling in the spring foliage
concealing a pair of winged creatures
their musical twittering audible but to themselves
and only its image possible for passers by.
And many times
in the words flung at each other
sometimes in jest
sometimes in fear
each time never to wound
the depths of each other
Wherein we reside
the sanctum of serenity---
unspeaking we speak
unheeding we hear
and unknowing we love.
In peace.
SimpleGal
|
| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 19-Nov-02 07:53 PM
ramro cha la !!
Mero man pareko part chahi !!
"like the falling of the autumn leaf
gliding down from the branch whence it fell
its gentle crackling sound audible but to itself
and only its descent visible to passers by. "
Ramro barnan gareko ho tyo chahi SimpelY ley. teha samma chahi bujhi maile sajilo sanga.. tes pachi Purai kabita padhda chahi nindra lagera ho ki kya ho, tauko ghumna thaleko cha... re kya ajha lastma...hehe :)
He he ..kasto mai parechu firrst posting ke re tyo ..critisize garne ...re kya ajha jhan lastma ..:)
|
| red_herring |
Posted
on 19-Nov-02 07:55 PM
I like the tone of the poem. I think I got the gist this time. You want a "special" friend to tell you that he's in love with you.
|
| isolated freak |
Posted
on 19-Nov-02 09:46 PM
to be perfectly honest, maile kehi bujhina.. taysaile yo kabita ramro huna parcha!
could you do a "byakhya in lay man's language" so that someone like me who is not traiend to read literature also gets it.
thank you.
|
| isolated freak |
Posted
on 19-Nov-02 09:49 PM
to be perfectly honest, maile kehi bujhina.. taysaile yo kabita ramro huna parcha!
could you do a "byakhya in lay man's language" so that someone like me who is not traiend to read literature also gets it.
thank you.
|
| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 01:03 PM
Thank you for your comments, everyone.
Red Herring,
:) Nice interpretation, although that wasn't really my intention!!! Then again, poetry is a feeling, a thought, a gesture---and everything else in between and beyond! So, your interpretation is just as good as any other and lends much more to what my original intention was! :)
IF-ji,
Byakhya ko jarurat chha ra??? :) ...Boru, like Herring, I would be interested to hear Your interpretation--the treasure that any writer treasures!
In peace.
|
| sally |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 01:24 PM
SimpleGal,
I'm impressed; I think this shows a lot of talent. So, since I think that the best praise is to take something seriously enough to give it criticism, I'll make a few suggestions, and I hope you don't mind. This is entirely about form, not about content.
I'm making two assumptions, which may not be right: first, that you wrote this; and second, that you're a non-native speaker. One of the things I've noticed in writing by non-native speakers who've read a fair amount of older literature--which is the norm for pretty much everyone in Nepal who writes in English--is that people tend to include anachronisms that are grating to native speaker ears.
Examples here would be the use of "whence," the use of "but to itself" (as in "audible but to itself"), and "wherein."
I'd like to add, though, that the form is already pretty sophisticated. Good job, particularly in the first two stanzas. (The third is weaker, after "sometimes in fear ...") If you can get this to flow a little more naturally in contemporary English--and it's pretty close, except for the anachronisms--I think you'll have a very nice poem here, and you may be getting towards something publishable in literary magazines.
Nice work!
|
| DWI |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 01:36 PM
Beautiful
I tried to make a song out of it, tried to gave it a rhythm. But The repetative part is so short ( Sometimes), I really couldn't. Nice poem, indeed.
Sally's nice observation about your poem, especially 'but to itself' part is probably right (whence and wherein are okay), but the weight of the poem is enough to supress it. Healthy criticism from Sally.
|
| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 02:02 PM
Thanks Sally and DWI for your lovely words!
I am not a native speaker, but have been speaking and writing in the English language since the age of 5 yrs, and now am in the the less than 25 range. :) Began reading Shakespearean sonnets at age 9 and wrote my first poem at that age, which I have posted on sajha under the title "Smile."
Like any other writer, I am fond of experimenting with different styles of writing. Contemporary writing is good, but I have been fascinated with the old school system, and I try to revive that in my works "sometimes". :) The poem I posted above, which is my own, is another one of such attempts. My diction, particularly "whence," "wherein" and "but to itself" which you have perceptively pointed out, are words that were integral aspects of old school writing style. I tried to weave them in to bring out the general sentiment of the poem.
Your criticism is well taken and very valuable. No time to publish, sadly. Have too much research work to do. Eso kahile kahin kalam le kaapi ma korinchha.
In peace.
|
| sally |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 02:39 PM
Shakespeare at 9! Alright! I thought I was the only one. I used to read Shakespeare then, less because I understood it (which I probably only half-did) but because I thought it was so cool that people used to talk like that. I'd imagine myself back in the Renaissance ...
Your comment about dabbling with old-style writing reminded me of a novel I'd started to read at someone's house, "Cold Mountain." The author does a lot of experimenting with old-style diction. Very convincing dialogue, and wonderfully observed writing. I think I'll look for it again, now that it's suddenly come to mind. You might find it interesting, sometime when you're not doing research or studying. Which, if you're a grad student, is probably never ;-)
|
| NP |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 02:47 PM
Hahaha...I am lauging out loud on what Isolated Freak Ji said: maile kehi bujhina.. taysaile yo kabita ramro huna parcha! .....hahaha!! What a cool comment. No sarcasm intended :)
|
| SimpleGal |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 03:01 PM
Cool, Sally! I read Shakespeare a lot around that time. The funny thing is that I understood more of his works as a kid than I do Now....In college I had the hardest time reading and understanding his Henry IV, when I read with ease and understood well his Merchant of Venice (who can forget SHYLOCK!!! hahaha) my first S'pearean play, as a 4th grader. Was fond of quoting "All that glitters is not gold!" of Portia's "old English style ko shiva dhanus competition" where Bassanio chooses successfully among the boxes.
I am feeling this incredible excitement right now talking about the Bard! With all my time spent researching (and lately much of it on sajha!) and academia, a dust of sorts had settled on my times with S'pearean plays/sonnets!
Yeah, I'd love to read that book some time, thanks Sally!
In peace.
|
| lonely |
Posted
on 20-Nov-02 03:31 PM
simpalgal ji,
Good poem indeed.
Keep writing beautiful poems like this....
Wish you all the best..ke ho hamro common friend lai aajhai call garnu bha chaina...??Really busy these days???
|
