| Username |
Post |
| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:06 AM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent
Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them:
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.: Chica' Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Ahmee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:08 AM
Do you have mail? & The Unusual Event!
Do you have mail?
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the
house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it,
looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into
her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to
the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
The Unusual Event
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event
that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his
essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:38 AM
Television ad banned for poking fun at President Bush
London-AP -- A television ad poking fun at President Bush has been banned in Britain -- unless the advertisers get Bush's permission to air it.
The animated ad shows a cartoon image of Bush opening a D-V-D and then saying "My favorite -- just pop it in the video player."
Bush is then shown sticking the D-V-D in a toaster and burning it.
The commercial is aimed at promoting an animated series that mocks celebrities and politicians.
But a British advertising watchdog group says living people can't be referred to in ads without their permission.
But one producer says that's "an idiotic request" -- adding that it would be a bit tricky to get permission from the likes of Osama bin Laden.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:40 AM
LARGO, Fla. (AP) - A man shot a would-be robber Tuesday, but was then shot and killed by the suspect while calling 911.
The victim was walking home with a woman at about 2:20 p.m. from a nearby grocery store and was confronted by the suspect, who forced the man and woman into their apartment and attempted to rob them, Bay News 9 in St. Petersburg reported.
"Once inside the man armed himself and shot the suspect, wounding him. The suspect then shot and killed the man," said police spokesman Brandon Graham.
Police did not release the names of either the couple or the suspect. A message left with Largo police was not immediately returned.
The suspect was airlifted to Bayfront Medical Center, where he was being evaluated, a hospital spokeswoman said
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:42 AM
(Arlington, Va.) - Attempting to steal license plates off a car with someone sitting inside it is pretty stupid, but trying to steal the plates off a police car with the officer sitting inside borders on the moronic. Arlington Police say that's precisely what DC resident Fernando Arraya was arrested for late Tuesday night.
Two plain-clothes officers had parked their unmarked vehicles in a lot and were talking through their open windows when another car pulled into the lot and parked right next to one of the police cars. The driver then got out, took a quick look around, then walked to the front of one of the police cars and began unscrewing the plate.
Arlington Police say Arraya was quickly arrested.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:49 AM
Man hangs boys from trees
Vera Schoeman
Keiskammahoek - A Northern Cape man is being held after allegedly terrorising two children by tying a rope to their feet and hanging them upside down from trees after he found them playing in his yard.
Captain Miriam Nkombisa said the boys were assaulted and terrorised for more than five hours before they were released. They then had to walk 20km home.
The drama started about 18:30 on Saturday when the man (51) arrived home in the Vaaldraai suburb on the outskirts of town, where he found Thabiso Gomba (11) and Zolani Peter (13).
He apparently thought they wanted to break into his house. He forced them into the boot of his car.
Nkombisa said he drove to King William's Town with the boys in the boot. On the way he stopped at the Sandile River.
He allegedly gave them a hiding, before tying a rope to their feet and hanging them upside down from trees on the riverbank.
He drove off, leaving the two bewildered boys hanging from the trees. He returned much later, untied them and told them to walk home.
When they arrived home tired and aching, their parents reported their ordeal to police, who soon afterwards arrested the man.
The man spent the weekend in jail and will appear on two charges of kidnapping and assault.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 09:57 AM
What do you call a sleeping Bull ?
A Bull Dozer
Why did the Banana go to the Dr ?
Cause it wasn't peeling very well.
Why did the King goto the Dentist ?
To get his tooth Crewned
Why was the nose tired ?
Cause it kept running
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 11:35 AM
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 01:13 PM
On a shotgun wedding: "To a couple who always believed in dessert before the meal. May your life be filled with joy and wonderful surprises." — Herman
On a young man's new body piercing: "Here's to a real stud — the one in your tongue." — Malcolm Kushner, Vintage Humor For Wine Lovers (Kushner & Associates)
On a breast augmentation: "May your B-cups runneth over." — Herman
On plastic surgery: "We're grateful for Aunt Alice's successful plastic surgery this year. We're sorry that she couldn't be here with us. Or maybe she is and nobody recognized her." — Gene Perret, author of Roasts and Toasts (Stearling Press)
On a fourth marriage: "May your optimism be outweighed only by the terms of your prenup." — Herman
On a messy divorce: "On this Thanksgiving, let's remember Zsa Zsa Gabor, who never hated a man enough to give him back his diamond." — Kushner
On a stock fraud investigation: "May whatever they discover be a boost to your career and not a bust to your rear." — Herman
On no-show relatives: "Before we give thanks let's remember those who are not here with us. Some have gone to their reward. Others just had tickets for the football game." — Perret
On dieting: "Here's to the turkey, here's to the pie, here's to the scales that make us all cry." — Herman
On your daughter marrying into a family of cannibals: "May the skin of your bum never cover a drum."— Herman.
On families who obsess over terrorism: "May we be happy and may our enemies always know it." — Herman
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 02:46 PM
Singer Michael Jackson has told a German magazine he does not like pop music.
The singer told Bunte magazine he went on a shopping trip to a Berlin music store and bought two classical CDs - but no pop music. The singer dropped in to the store unannounced, and without bodyguards.
Asked why, he told the magazine: "I don't like pop music."
Jackson shocked fans by dangling a child outside his hotel window
He added: "I'd like to go shopping again for CDs in Berlin. It's just unbelievable. No matter where I am I'm always being followed. I need the experience that I can walk into a store as a completely normal person."
Jackson, a fixture of the pop industry for over 30 years, was in Berlin to pick up a prize for pop musician of the millennium at an awards ceremony.
It was during his visit to the German capital, which ended on Saturday, that the singer sparked international outrage by dangling his baby out of the fourth floor window of his hotel before a crowd of shocked fans.
The 44-year-old held the child, Prince Michael II, over the railing with a towel draped over his head. German police declined to press charges against him.
Controversy
Jackson also courted controversy when took his three children, covered in veils, on a visit to Berlin zoo.
The veils were thought to be a ruse to prevent his children being kidnapped.
The magazine interviewed the singer in Berlin and commented he was wearing make-up and lipstick.
Jackson also told the magazine about his children's life at home on his Neverland ranch in California.
He said he read fairy tales to them over their breakfast.
"Playstations or computers are not allowed in the house," he said.
"And they're only allowed to watch television when I'm around."
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| Koko |
Posted
on 27-Nov-02 02:47 PM
An episode of the animated comedy The Simpsons has been accused of reinforcing prejudice against Hungary's Romany people.
Hungary's minority ombudsman said an episode of the show featured a Romany (or Roma) character who proved his ethnic origin by telling a school inspector: "I will drink your blood."
"In this scene, one of the characters declares Roma and vampires as borderline cases and... suggests the Roma in general cannot conform to social rules and expectations," Jeno Kaltenbach wrote in a letter to the channel that showed the episode.
Mr Kaltenbach acted after receiving a complaint from a Hungarian citizen after the episode was shown in the country.
Commercial TV channel ViaSat3 had followed the cartoon's original phrasing when it translated it into Magyar, the Hungarian language.
The ombudsman said further translation might have softened "offensive stereotypical expressions".
Persecution
The complaint follows an official apology by the programme's producers in April after an episode that outraged Brazilian officials.
In that show, The Simpsons travelled to Rio De Janeiro, which was depicted as a crime-ridden city infested with rats and monkeys.
In the past the programme has also pilloried Australia, Japan and France.
The Romany people make up five per cent of the Hungarian population of 10 million people.
They have suffered persecution at the hands of the Communist authorities since 1945 and by the pro-Nazi puppet government during World War II.
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