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| Koko |
Posted
on 02-Dec-02 01:08 PM
What do you say when you gather round the table and it's time to raise a glass? Can you address the latest family controversy?
And let's say Sally had a sex change. What do you say to the man who used to be your aunt?
A holiday toast calls for grace under pressure, and with Thanksgiving approaching, The Wolf Files called on toastmasters to help finding that special bon mot amid the strangest family circumstances.
Shotgun wedding? Messy divorce? Criminal investigation? Don't despair. Where there's family, there's controversy.
"Finding the right words is an art," says Jeff Herman, co-author of Toasts for All Occasions (Career Press), a compilation of famous toasts. "It's actually a great opportunity to defuse a tense situation."
‘To Your New Life …’
Herman's collection even includes a joking toast for a transsexual aunt: "Lipstick, blush, powder and paint, made a former man be what he ain't. But now that you have taken the plunge, be glad you'll never need the sponge."
Etiquette expert Wilvia Medina in Baltimore says it's fine to make a joke about sexuality — as long as it's not mocking.
Her toast for an uncle-turned-aunt: "To your new life. We loved you in a suit and tie, and we'll love you in a blouse and skirt."
You don't need to shy away from sensitive situations — as long as you can cut through the tension with candor and compassion. Nance Guilmartin, author of Healing Conversations (Jossey Bass), says one of the best laughs she ever had was at her mother's funeral two years ago.
The family gathered at a lake in North Carolina. Only a few months earlier, Guilmartin's father had been cremated, and as her brother began to cast their mother's ashes into the water, he lifted the urn and said, "Gee Mom, you weigh more than Dad."
Jokes can backfire. It might be easier to salute the clan with a perfunctory, "Here's mud in your eye." But if you do, be sure to cite the esteemed authors of that classic — The Three Stooges.
Many people become so flustered, they consult professionals — like the ones at InstantWeddingtoasts.com that charge $65 for customized speeches from professional toastmasters.
"We got the idea after watching a best man make a fool of himself," says Rick Peczonka, of Mesa, Ariz., who started the site last year with his wife.
"People will pay for a good toast and seek help writing it, because it's one of the most important things he'll ever do."
The Wolf Files asked some pros for over-the-top toasts for strange situations. These toasts should be used advisedly — or you might not be invited anywhere next year. Of course, that might be your ulterior motive.
Toast-O-Matic Fun
On a shotgun wedding: "To a couple who always believed in dessert before the meal. May your life be filled with joy and wonderful surprises." — Herman
On a young man's new body piercing: "Here's to a real stud — the one in your tongue." — Malcolm Kushner, Vintage Humor For Wine Lovers (Kushner & Associates)
On a breast augmentation: "May your B-cups runneth over." — Herman
On plastic surgery: "We're grateful for Aunt Alice's successful plastic surgery this year. We're sorry that she couldn't be here with us. Or maybe she is and nobody recognized her." — Gene Perret, author of Roasts and Toasts (Stearling Press)
On a fourth marriage: "May your optimism be outweighed only by the terms of your prenup." — Herman
On a messy divorce: "On this Thanksgiving, let's remember Zsa Zsa Gabor, who never hated a man enough to give him back his diamond." — Kushner
On a stock fraud investigation: "May whatever they discover be a boost to your career and not a bust to your rear." — Herman
On no-show relatives: "Before we give thanks let's remember those who are not here with us. Some have gone to their reward. Others just had tickets for the football game." — Perret
On dieting: "Here's to the turkey, here's to the pie, here's to the scales that make us all cry." — Herman
On your daughter marrying into a family of cannibals: "May the skin of your bum never cover a drum."— Herman.
On families who obsess over terrorism: "May we be happy and may our enemies always know it." — Herman
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| Koko |
Posted
on 02-Dec-02 01:12 PM
Is Gay Sex a Crime?
Supreme Court to Rule on Sodomy Laws, Hear Affirmative Action Case
From Wire Reports
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/supreme_court021202.html
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| Koko |
Posted
on 02-Dec-02 01:16 PM
A Letter From California Regarding Electricity
Dear States,
California ranks 48th in the nation in power
consumed per person.
California grows more than half the nation's fruit, nuts and vegetables. We're keeping them. We need something to eat when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the nation's almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives, persimmons, pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you won't miss them.
California is the nation's number one dairy state. We're keeping our dairy products. We'll need plenty of fresh ones since our refrigerators can't be relied upon. Got milk?
We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in state. Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough electricity, which you're apparently keeping for yourselves, we just plain don't have enough software to spare.
We're keeping all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of the commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you want to go. When yours wear out, you'd better hope Boeing's Washington plant can keep you supplied. There isn't enough electricity here to allow us to export any more planes than we need ourselves.
And while we're at it, we're keeping all our high-tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons systems that let you sleep at night, not worried you might wake up under the rule of some foreign kook.
Oh, yeah, and if you want to make a long-distance call, remember where the satellite components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you could get back in the habit of writing letters.
Want to see a blockbuster movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since we'll now have to make them with our own electricity, we're keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else, the labs, printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities are all here.
Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons per year. We'll need all it to drown our sorrows when we think about the fact that no matter how many California products we export to make the rest of America's lives better, America can't see its way clear to help us out with a little electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine.
You all complain that we don't build enough power plants. Well, you don't grow enough food, write enough software, make enough movies, build enough airplanes and defense systems or make enough wine.
This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up before it's too late.
Love,
The Californians
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| Koko |
Posted
on 02-Dec-02 01:32 PM
What do you call a black priest ?
Holy Shit!!
This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser.
He asks her who the picture is of and she replies, "Don't worry about it."
He then says, "Well is that your husband?"
She says that it is not.
"Well, is that your boyfriend?"
Again she says no.
The guy then says, "Well then, who the hell is it?"
She replies, "It was me before my operation."
Mississippi:
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them atfirst, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About .....35 pounds
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
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| Koko |
Posted
on 02-Dec-02 01:39 PM
Winston Churchill- Britain’s Most Popular Caner
Britain’s favourite all time Brit Winston Churchill averaged 22 units of alcohol a day during the 2nd World War, The Observer revealed this week. Despite caning such vast quantities of booze (22 units is equivalent to 4 bottles of wine or 11 pints) the legendary Prime Minister remained unrepentant, the Observer recalled.
“Remember, I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me,” Churchill once reportedly boasted. The Nazi bashing PM is also believed to have been a regular user of amphetamines and cocaine.
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