| Bramhanda |
Posted
on 24-Dec-02 03:49 PM
It seems that the celebrations this season could be an all out drunken madness. With people already running high on their stance of catering to and/or furnishing to the artificial stimulus--so commonly referred to as the shot of, or the pint of,or a glass of - , the only thing that Santa has been compelled to worry about is the fate of these celebrators the day after. Although, Santa would very much want the fun to go on unimpeded, he also wants to refrain from attending to the woes and pains of the party goers the day after the party.
According to a special correspondent Barbara Ellen, visitors from " Planet Hangover" will frequent and exponentially rise during this season. Read on further for her well substantiated report, "Just add Liquid".
Hope you all have a good break!!!!!
______________________________________________
Just add liquid...
What walks funny and smells like hell? An alien from Planet Hangover...
Barbara Ellen
Sunday December 22, 2002
The Observer
Any fool could tell you that these are not normal times. This is the festive season, those dark days of the year when aliens from Planet Hangover walk freely among us. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. It is pointless to panic and shoot at the sky like some people did when Orson Welles made his spoof War of The Worlds radio broadcast all those moons ago. The aliens from Planet Hangover are not landing on earth in spaceships (though some of them are flying in their own special way). These types of aliens are already here, but happily, it is all too easy to tell them apart from ordinary mortals.
They look a lot like human beings, they sound a lot like human beings, but they walk funny and they smell like hell. An unearthly fragrance, part 'Office Party', part 'Friend's Sofa', all mingling with some strange musk suggesting that the alien slept in their outer clothing, except for their shoes, which they lost in a poker game in the early hours. Other giveaways are wafts of extra-strength deodorant, which aliens from Planet Hangover misguidedly like to spray on their hair, and sometimes in their mouths, as part of their morning-after toilette.
It is important to remember that aliens from Planet Hangover are not to be feared, rather they are to be pitied, and in extreme cases smothered with pillows for their own good. You will know when to do this because the alien from Planet Hangover will come to you, hand clutching head, legs shaking uncontrollably, and beg you to, persuasively arguing that it would be a mercy killing and that anyway they are dead already. This is probably the worst thing about aliens from Planet Hangover - they are the galaxy's drama queens, forever droning on about how they're dying, nothing can save them this time, and all that rubbish. In actual fact many reveal themselves to be fit enough to pop by the pub at lunchtime, queueing greedily for some medicinal tincture they call 'hair of the dog'. This substance usually results in hungover aliens cheering up considerably. Nevertheless, experts stress that aliens from Planet Hangover are not to be approached because they can be dangerous. As in dangerously boring, telling you in painful detail how they came by their latest hangover, how long it's been going on, and lots of other information you never asked for and don't need.
This is probably why aliens from Planet Hangover tend to gravitate towards each other for comfort. Once you know what to look for, you see them everywhere, in the corners of offices, smoking in stairwells, slumped outside pubs, even lying on the floor sobbing for some being they call 'Mum'. Even from a distance, you can tell what their conversation is about because they keep groaning, cackling manically and stretching their arms apart in the manner of boastful fishermen ('It's this big, I tell you').
After they've told their tale, aliens from Planet Hangover like to find someone else and tell it all over again. If hangovers are their religion, repetition is their God, embellishment their St Peter. For this, they expect to be paid in alcohol and cigarettes, because they believe themselves to be amusing and original and that sort of thing doesn't come cheap.
Afterwards, they return to 'work'. You know one is among you because a terrible wailing and keening emanates from behind a work station, accompanied by hiccups and giggles. Don't expect them to work, as this is the most alien of concepts to the aliens from Planet Hangover. They prefer to spend all day making personal calls to the few people remaining on earth who don't realise how truly 'epochal' their hangover is.
All very annoying for everybody else, but regular human beings should maybe have a heart and remember that aliens from Planet Hangover really do have a terrible time of it. They have to spend whole days feeling grubby, scratchy, miserable, and worse, oddly jumpy and frightened, like the world is about to fracture, the sky caving in and landing straight on top of their head in a million jagged pieces. Then there are the legs like lead, the throat like sandpaper, the sly bubblings of paranoia and snatches of memory that taunt, tease and ultimately destroy. Indeed, most aliens from Planet Hangover are in terrible psychic pain which can only be helped by spending all day on the sofa under a duvet, supping strong, sweet tea and watching reruns of The Weakest Link. Then and only then does the alien retreat and the human being return. For, unless you didn't already guess it, the alien from Planet Hangover is not an alien at all. 'It' lives inside us all. Just add liquid.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,5673,862833,00.html
|
