| Username |
Post |
| aloo |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 03:43 PM
First of all, let's look at the divorce rate in America, and Western Europe, countries that champion marriage after falling in love with Asian countries, or even Eastern/ Southern Europe where there still are people who would opt for arranged marriage, rather than love. Even without a glance at the stats, and only observing the way they lead their life, we can easily conclude that the divorce rate there is much higher than other parts of the globe.
So, if marriages are failing in countries that advocate love marriage, don't you think arranged marriage is better? Is there anything called love? How many people truly fall in love in countries like America where the divorce rate is 50% or more? I have concluded that the majority of people do not fall in love, and what they call love is what I call infatuation. If people are really in love, they wouldn't be having extramarital affairs in the first place. Even for those couples that don't divorce, we don't really have tangible evidence to prove without a shadow of a doubt that they're still in love with each other. Rather than them being in love, I think they have learned to compromise and reconcile their differences, and basically stand behaviors of their partners that they deem peculiar.
Having said that, I have made my decision to not be infatuated with any woman, and go straight for arranged marriage. Virtually nobody will find his/her soulmate, because of which, I believe it's useless to look for one. If you go for arranged marriage, you will start out fresh, without knowing much about your life partner, and you have that space needed to know the other person well, while on the other hand, if you fell in love and marry, you would think you know everything there is to know about your partner, and when you're disenchanted, you'll start to think that your marriage is the biggest blunder you have ever committed. In other words, arranged marriages fare better than love marriages in the longrun. It's all about standing each other's pecularities. If love exists, which I hardly doubt, but let's presume that it does, the path taken by a person who has his marriage arranged is to marry first and fall in love later with your partner. It works much better, I tell you.
Love marriage is a bane for humanity, in the guise of freedom. We don't need that much freedom, IMHO.
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| surya |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 04:24 PM
Good for you! Get your self arranged if thats what you want! But it almost sounds like you are really trying hard to convince yourself! :)
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| aloo |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 04:31 PM
I'm not trying hard to convince myself, because I am already convinced. My parents want me to find my own gal, without their help, but I beg to differ. My mom is a typical , as she likes to think, "modern" woman, who tried hard to not instill traditional values in me, but she isn't very happy with what I have become -- a staunch supporter of traditional values. I don't want anybody to be dictating my life, I'm going to be living it the way I prefer, but I just wanted to hear Nepali people's opinion in general about this issue, that's all.
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| surya |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 04:37 PM
What is there to say? If you think arranged marriage is the way to go for you... then it probably is... for YOU. "Love marriages" are no worse or better than "arranged marriages." A marriage is a marriage. It depends on individuals, their committment to each other andir understanding on how they want to conduct their lives. I haven't done research myself, but I would be so bold as to put it out there that as our social norms start changing regarding how we view divorce and divorcees, more Nepali "arranged" marriages will end in divorce. There are a lot of people who are in marriages in Nepal who should NOT be married. If divorce were an option, maybe they and the society and their kids would be better off.
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| aloo |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 04:44 PM
I'll have to go for dinner, but to rebut your argument, I'd like to say that even if your marriage isn't going the way you prefer, it is your duty to not let it go awry. We're distinct from animals --they have sex without thinking about who their partners are-- and so naturally, we should try to act morally, and not lust for things we shouldn't be lusting for, in the first place. So why can't we just get along huh? In Japan, a modern nation albeit with traditional values, the divorce rate is only 0.9% or so. Do you really think everybody's marriage over there is going really well? No, I don't think so. And regarding your statement, that there are people in Nepal who are in marriages, who shouldn't be married, who are you to decide that they're happy or not? Even if it's not going well, you should try to mend your marriage. And to totally compromise, arranged marriage is the way to go.
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| surya |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 06:27 PM
No need to butt or re-butt... say your peice and so will I. :)
Now did I say those people are happy? no. I said "There are a lot of people who are in marriages in Nepal who should NOT be married. If divorce were an option, maybe they and the society and their kids would be better off." Nothing about happiness!
Divorce is not the ultimate EVIL that some seem to think it is. In some situations, divorce is a very good alternative to living a life of agony and abuse. As for love marriage vs. arranged.. whatever floats your boat personally. But again, in either case it is about committment and understanding. Does it make a difference whether you were "arranged" or whether you "fell in love" first when it comes to the time when the spouses are about to kill each other. Most likely not.
Anyhow...
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| Vision |
Posted
on 03-Feb-03 08:34 PM
What's the point of love? Point of love is marriage, and point of marriage is love. Love and marriage goes together...like horse and carriage. Just like there is no carriage with no horse, there is no marriage with no love. Marriage needs love, just like carriage needs horse. Horse pulls the carriage, and love drives the marriage. This much I tell you brother, coz one can't live without the other.
Later, gator!
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| marooned |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 04:24 AM
Vision..
In our society where racism rules...do u think it's really possible for the two to go along??
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| %&! |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 07:35 AM
Love or arrange..........? The question is about compatibility with the partner & respecting each other's values. If it's not there, life can be hell in both case. It's not the matter of what you see and assume, there could be 100 best love marriages and 100 best arrange marriages.
Well, I know as a fact that "No two minds are exact same" so as long as you compromise and value each others feelings, likes and dislikes, both marriage works out great!".
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| czar |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 11:31 AM
Aloo,
Interesting thoughts. However, I wonder which side of the argument you are attempting to make.
Given your statement that “ In Japan, a modern nation albeit with traditional values, the divorce rate is only 0.9% or so. Do you really think everybody's marriage over there is going really well? No, I don't think so.”
This effectively establishes that tradition is no guarantee of marital bliss either and counters the case you are trying to make.
“I don't want anybody to be dictating my life, I'm going to be living it the way I prefer,”
Marriage is one of the most important decisions of your life and it will be made by someone else for you. This is a contradiction to the assertion that you don’t want anyone calling the shots in your life. Confusing, no ?
Now this statement that reads: “Even for those couples that don't divorce, we don't really have tangible evidence to prove without a shadow of a doubt that they're still in love with each other. Rather than them being in love, I think they have learned to compromise and reconcile their differences, and basically stand behaviors of their partners that they deem peculiar.”
That sounds suspiciously like the adage that 'marriage is the art of compromise.’ This would hold true regardless of how the union came about, whether by love or by arrangement.
As for your particular marital preferences, they are yours and if that’s what makes you happy, more power to you. However, that certainly doesn’t make the case to contend that choices different to yours are any less worthy.
Using statistics doesn’t prove your theory either for, as is oft said, there’s lies, damned lies and statistics.
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 12:05 PM
Aloo ji,
Born Again reformist? :) Life is what you make or convince yourself to make of it!
But, there are those who beg to differ... like your mother. Perhaps, you might want to start at home before you preach sex, marriage and morality to those who disagree with you!
So, live and let live, hajur!
Peace!
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| aloo |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 05:13 PM
Czar, it's true that arranged marriage cannot guarantee marital bliss, but I still believe that a larger percentage of people will end up leading a happy life, if not perfect. That, I believe is due to greater space you'll have for really knowing the spouse without any preconceived notions that you might have, had you opted for love marriage. Watch divorce court, and you'll know what I'm talking about. It might be true that correlation cannot really lead to explanation, but still, one can have opinions about it, right? I have mine, as you know by now. And you know, I never said all arranged marriages fare well, but in comparison to love marriage, in my opinion,they fare better(read the first message of this thread if you don't believe me) . Again, I am an advocate of one-spouse-till-you-die, so whatever path you choose --and I still believe arranged marriages are better -- it's still your duty to not let your marriage fall apart.
No Sitaraji, I am more of a born again conformist.
I said this exact thing to a colleague of mine, and she's like, "Huh? This guy's crazy". I got the same reply, actually, that I shouldn't be relying too much on statistics.
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| cardinal |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 08:24 PM
I dislike people who like to argue just for the sake of argument!
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| forget-me-not |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 09:49 PM
? ke bhai ra chha..aalu...why don't you just go back and get married..whichever way you want..what the hell....
Aani I never think arrange marriage is better...may be i may prefer it..but it all depends upon how you take your life after marriage irrespective of type of marriage..love, arrange...bhagaune at first site or whatever...
marriage or love or love or marriage after all...comprises and adjustments are the important factors....hehehe
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| Hamjayega |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 11:22 PM
Its your Life Aloo...do as you please. Get arranged, get dressed and get married. But Plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz dont try to convince otherz to do the same. Let them do what they want, after all its their lives too.
Getting to know somebody, spending sometime together, then falling in love and finally marrying the person is definately not the same as Marrying someone, trying to fall in love and then deciding to spend the rest of your lives together.
I personally feel the first one has a higher rate of success..coz you hv a choice at every stage before leading to a marriage.
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