| aloo |
Posted
on 04-Feb-03 06:40 PM
First try, so please don't be too harsh :)
Since I had no contact with the outside world besides at work, she was the only woman, aside from my mother, that I was in contact with. I loved everything about this woman. She wasn’t thin, nor fat –voluptuous, the word I am looking for --, very gregarious and garrulous, and my exact opposite, I being an introvert and a self-effacing character. She was about 5’5” tall. Her fine hair was cut short, and was borderline curly, light brown in color, and seemed to move in ripples when she walked. Her nose was sharp and very pointed, although not very long, and her head was round. The only discernible flaw –and she might have many more, but I was never the type to scrutinize people’s defects, --in her appearance, in my opinion, was her two front teeth, which were slightly bigger and longer. Every time I saw her, my heart would beat faster, and my neurons would start misfiring, making my senses go askew.
I knew I would never be able to date her, for she was 35, and I only 23; she was more mature, physically and mentally, and I, still a naiveté; she was a white woman, and I brown; she was open-minded, and I traditional. We had no perceivable similarities in any sense, yet I had feelings for her. There were times when my heart would go heavy, only after seeing her talk to male colleagues of mine. So, in order to come to senses, I would try to breathe deeply to annul my feelings, which would work perfectly, but only for a moment, and when my feelings returned, I would always be falling into an inescapable abyss of depression. Mind you though, my co-employees would always notice that something was wrong with me, and I would feel mortified when they would accost me to query about my well being. I obviously had to come up with other ways to suppress my desires. One notable method that seemed to fare better was thinking about other things, say Dragonball Z, my favorite cartoon, for instance. Yet, my mind always returned to her, and this would have a domino affect, starting with me feeling dejected, thus affecting workplace productivity, which, in turn, would also affect my colleagues’ output. I knew that my despondency was pretty comical, and I did try to ignore it as a joke, but still I was lost.
I also thought of making her jealous somehow, although I knew most of my plans were impossible to attain. For example, I thought of bringing in a girl to my workplace, who I would pay to act a role. She would come to the workplace, I thought, and when the person I had a crush on was present, the actor would proclaim that she was my fiancé. Perhaps then would she give in to my subtle persistence. Then suddenly, I would come back to earth, and would feel dejected again; my dreams were unreachable.
And I thought I was helpless, or so it looked, at least to me. As of that moment, since I had no real friends, there was virtually nobody that I could confide in, apart from my parents, whom I never really talked to about personal matters. I was totally lost. When I would go back home at 6, all I would think of doing was stare on the wall and get lost in my dreamland of utopia.
That was about a week before I hit a u-turn, when my life changed for good. (to be contd when I am in the mood.)
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