| Username |
Post |
| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 04:26 PM
Every year, around Valentine’s Day I remember a Ukrainian friend of mine who I came to know during my time at a local bar in Virginia, a man who finally was successful in finding his love of life after going through much hardship. As I said he was from Ukraine, 36 years of age, and spoke well but with a thick accent. He was well fed and well bred, stout, clean-shaven, average looking guy with deep husky voice, senseless humor or humorless sense, as I recall of him. He was of the impression that it was very easy to pick a girl in America. Someone in his native country told him so before he set on to the long voyage...yes he came on a ship.
He told me how he had tried several times to find his soul-mate, as he put it. But, it seemed impossible. It was just not happening. Not that he did not have money. He did and was a manager of a pizza place. His own pizza place in the land of opportunity. He tried all the online dating stuff, went to clubs, waited outside school dorms with a bouquet of roses, and all the tricks and pranks that can be found all over the bookstores and internet, in exact fashion as they were written, or sometimes his one innovations, but based on similar principles. Nonetheless, nothing was coming his way, none of his plans were bearing fruits, and his tree of love was as dry as a withered tree in winter, as he had seen in Ukraine; he used to relate in a toneless voice.
He would go to bed at night thinking about how he was unsuccessful at his so many, so well devised plans. He would jot down all the things that he did that day, in her companion, to impress her, and, just before turning the lights off, went over the list of things he thought he had done wrong or steps he had taken wrong, or at least thought so, and promised not to repeat the same mistakes again. And the mistakes he could pin- point were actually mysteries to him. He spent quite a time to unveil that vagueness about those mysteries, but always in vain. He never could imagine in his dreams doing anything that did not please her. Yet he was always left all alone at the end, puzzled, always thinking what went wrong. He did not know why after willingly going out on a date with him, she would just turn her face away when the time came to promise and continue seeing each other. He would ask her if she liked to see him again and most of the times the answer was "ummmm..... That is not such a good Idea, but thanks for asking.”, and the times he got positive answers, he hurriedly fixed the date, went to the planned meeting place and waited indefinitely. His "she' never showed up. He went through many of those incidents when she never even showed a little courtesy or sense of decency to call him to cancel the date. On the other hand he was very faithful. He was always there and...Yes always there… all alone. Amongst all those unhappy incidents, he always thought the one narrated below was worth mentioning to everyone. I am not sure why, but he did so the first time he came to my bar and got drunk, which is as follows:
One of these girls, on her second date with him, actually told him to show up at her work so that they could go out for dinner after she was done for the day. So he did, had nice clothes on, looked at the mirror several times, from different angles, repeatedly stroked his back and front, combed his hair multiple times, wiped his shoes couple of times and headed to her office, to embrace success, thinking this one is the one that is really, amazingly impressed by him, will not give up on him and the future relation seemed a vibrant one to him.
As he walked outside, before hollering at a cab, he was thinking of how he was going to hold her in his arms tonight and forgot to count the bottom two steps right outside of his apartment, and landed on top of a Big, black lady's muscular breast, at a speed of a linebacker. The lady just happened to be right at the footsteps of the apartment building, another tenant of the complex. "Watch out you!” she grabbed him by his arms and straightened him, and laughed ...hoo-hoo-hoo. No words could come out of his mouth. He was breathless, not because of the fall, but because of the strong smell of the African musk radiating off of the ladies bosoms. He thought he was going to choke, his head started spinning. He sat right on the steps. He looked pathetic, like a homeless in nice clothes. So much so, one of the pedestrians, a white man, fished some coins out of his coat pocket and threw about him. He was taken aback. He just sat there and stared at the space. First he did not know what to do. Then as his senses returned to him like calves returning to their mama- cows, he became conscious of himself and the surroundings. Everything slowly started coming back to him; thus anger and agony crept in and took control of him by his senses. He started throwing those coins right back at the white man, yelling and screaming," what the f**k yu think you are doing? Who yu think I am, Yu think I am a beggar, yu son of *****, White trash! The man was good 100 yards far away by now. So didn’t hear his swearing, nor the coins reached to him. But our clad kept swearing and calling all the names. Sweat started trickling on his neck. He felt tired, and again sat down on the steps and started sobbing in shear frustration. After amusing a little crowd of pedestrians, he got up, wiped the sweat and tears in a neatly folded handkerchief and got ready for his date. What a man!!
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| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 04:30 PM
continued..............
He looked about himself, checked his clothes on the big glass outside the stores by the pavement, fixed his look, turned around and hollered for a cab "Taxi!! Taxi". Taxi came; he got in. Suddenly he felt he was missing something. ‘ hummmmm….Roses,” he said to himself. So he ordered the driver to take him to the nearest Giant. He purchased quiet a large one cost him 35 bucks, but he was happy and excited and thought of the song “money’s for nothing and…’ by Dire Straits. After ten minutes ride he arrived at her office. It was not difficult to find the office building for the cabby knew the area well, the CRYSTAL CITY area in VA to be exact. He thought everything was working according to his plans.
He got out of the cab, went inside the building, and straight went to the little- men’s room, not to relieve him but to fix his looks. He combed his hair once more, dusted his coat and pants off with his bare hand, wiped his brown leather shoes and gallantly strode towards the elevator. He checked himself couple of more times on the nicely polished steel door of the elevator, lifted his nose tip to see if any booger was hanging, and checked his teeth too.
Fully satisfied by his look he got off at the 5th floor. Made a right as was suggested by his date, went to the receptionist and with a heavy voice, shouted,” I am here to see Miss Bee!!” The receptionist glanced at him, and picked the phone up, dialed some number, mumbled on the mouth piece, covered the mouth piece with her palm, looked over her reading glasses and inquired what his name was. “My name is Yabnowski,” he told her, “Just tell her Yab, she will know”. He looked around him; the receptionist desk was outside of a large hallway. In between was a thick wall of glass. The name of the company was imprinted on the glass door in wide 3d letters, and there were some sofas and chairs neatly placed in one corner, bunch of magazines and news papers lay scattered on the coffee table.
Miss Bee came to the front desk, with a face as if someone had died in her family. He smiled and tried to hand the bouquet over. She snatched the bouquet with a smile like of Mona Lisa and directed him towards a sofa that was nearby. She followed him; they sat down, no exchange of words, just quietness and peace. The receptionist was watching with curious eyes, like a crow. Suddenly she got up, “I will be right back’ she said and started walking downs the hallway with the bouquet. Before he could say a word she had disappeared behind a door on the hallway, adjacent to the other end of the building. Mr. Yab just sat there, sat there, sat there, sat there and sat there. Occasionally got of his seat and paced around a little bit in that room and tried to peek inside the hallway. But he had hope and faith in her. So he waited without any doubt that she will be back soon.
By now the place was like a ghost house. No noise was coming from inside the hallway where the office doors were lined up across each other. Everyone was gone, but his hope of her coming back to him was not. Must have been around 8 p.m. when the office cleaners came in and started vacuuming the place, but no sign of her. He still sat on the sofa and waited, and waited and waited. Finally when the cleaners were getting ready to leave, around 11 pm, he gathered up his courage and asked one of them, a Spanish lady, if she had seen any one inside. She cupped one of her hand, covered her mouth and giggled. He asked again, she kept giggling with an occasional glance at him. He got annoyed, and grabbed her and started shaking her like a ketchup bottle, she kept giggling.
You see, Mr. Yab was not a bad person. But at times when he was mad, his mind was totally clouded by intense anger, he could seldom speak or take appropriate actions or words and start shivering as if he were in Antarctica, naked. This is exactly what he was going through when the cleaner started giggling instead of answering his probes
The leader of the cleaning team came around, saw what Mr. Yab was doing and slapped him until he let go of her.
With a bruised eye and sad heart Mr. Yab came to my bar that evening. It was the day before Valentines Day, 1995. I was preparing to close the bar. I asked him if he was alright, if he needed any medical attention. He told me he was ok and ordered double shot of Jack Daniels and some ice-cubes. Before I could put the glass down he snatched it away from me and gulped it down. He drank 4 of those double shots, rubbed the ice on his nearly swollen bruise under his left eye and then started talking about Valentines Day and reasoned why it should be named Lovers Day, not Valentines Day; for he strongly believed the day was for those who already had a partner.
After a while I told him the bar was going to be closed. He sighed and ordered one more for the last call. Before chucking it down, he asked if I wanted to drink, I said I could not at my bar, but don’t mind going out to TGI Fridays as I had nothing going on at home anyways. On top of that he had said he would buy me drinks. Hey! That’s a bargain, I thought. So we went to Fridays.
At Friday’s bar he seemed much relaxed. It could have been the effect of booze or may have been the sight of lovely looking women, as it was a Thursday night and the bar was crowded with ‘somewhat drunk, horny ladies,’ as he had described them... We sat there drinking one after another, he kept telling me his life, his experiences with American women, and his native country, and his experience mentioned above. We kept drinking and the time kept flying. It was 2 am before I realized it was too late, and, so I decided to go home. He followed unwillingly outside the bar. I was exhausted. I just wanted to go home and lay down.
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| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 04:33 PM
continued.......
That night before heading home I suggested“you ought to try local churches too, have you done that?” He looked dazed. I explained, “Local churches man! May be the a church that you attend every Sunday, may be they have some type of program, activities, sports, Sunday study group or something , of that sort where younger people are involved, you know what I mean? You need to try your luck there too.” He just stared at me without any expression. I added further, “So every time after the usual activities is over and they gather to pray hand in hand, just get in there, next to a lady, squeeze her hand and keep saying ‘ hallelujah!, hallelujah!, oh lord! Oh Jesus! Oh the greatest! Oh the truest! Oh my savior!’ If she looks at you, tighten your grip, close your eyes and exclaim louder ‘hallelujah! Hallelujah! ’, but do not look at her.” He looked at me, wide- eyed and laughed. I knew he didn’t take my advice seriously, like a teenager. I did not care; I was just ready to go home.
After that night he completely vanished, I did not see him again for a long period of time. No one that knew him came to my bar. I had his number but didn’t think of calling for the fact that he was just a bar customer to me. Yes... I enjoyed going home drunk that night after work, on his money. That felt soothing after literally exhausting work. Yet his absence did not bother a bit. It sort of felt like a circus had come to the town and after couple of days or weeks had wrapped up every single piece of tent, and left. I decided not to give much of a thought to that end. I had more important things to worry about, you see. So life went on.
One day, in 1997, to my amazement, I see this guy walking towards me in my bar, his mouth widely stretched jaw to jaw, and shouting “hey jyu! hey jyu!” I looked at him, could not quite figure out who it was. This person had beard and mustache and shoulder-length hair, and the setting sun directly behind him intensified the difficulty further more. For a moment I thought it was him because of the way he walked and, most importantly, his height, about 5’5”. But there still was doubt, for it was a bar, and a bar is a bar. So I didn’t respond to his call. As he approached me, his face became more visible and I could see this was actually Mr. Yab. I smiled back at him and extended my hand; he grabbed my hand and jerked me towards him, seemingly, to hug me. I tried to stand where I was and being behind that bar helped me from falling face down.
Anyway, I noticed something very odd in him that day. He was very cheerful, kept talking like a chatter-box. Every sentence he spoke he spoke with a grin, and whenever occasioned, he would laugh like “ hohohohohoho”. . I had never seen him so joyous in his life, as if he had just conquered the island of LOVE. He was not talking but was shouting, every word that came out of his mouth echoed right back from the four walls of the bar like a ping-pong ball. So much so, I was feeling nervous now; for the bar was packed and other customers had noticed his loud voice. I could see and feel hostile air rising by the counter. I looked around in the bar and into each persons face. Everyone had stopped drinking and was staring at him with their hands holding the glass, midway through the path to their mouth, like they were frozen with time, with his entrance. I could feel the volcano getting closer to eruption, the lull before the storm. Hastily I grabbed him and told him to calm down and be quiet. He turned pale, his face like a white sheet of paper. He just plainly stared at me as if the earth underneath him had shifted. I smiled and assured him there wasn’t a thing to be worried but his loudness. He tried a faint smile and said “oh’. His countenance changed color like a chameleon. I could see he was embarrassed. He flushed like a teenage girl. It took him good five minutes to gather his composure and then opened his mouth to say something, but I hushed him and pointed to the rock glass that I had set down in his front. He looked at the glass, grabbed it with his big hand and drank it. Then he raised his hand up in the air. I could not understand why so I stared at him. “Give me five, man! Give me high five, man!” he said. I did as he asked. Then suddenly he screamed, “Hallelujah!” with both hands up in air, and started laughing like a monster. I asked what the matter with him was.
He stopped laughing and said, “It worked man!”
.
“What? What worked?” I expressed my confusion.
“Hallelujah’ worked. Remember your advice that night? Squeezing her hand and exclaiming oh God! Oh Jesus! Yeah, it worked,” said he and stared at me nervously.
Then it all came back to me, I remembered everything I had said, I started laughing, he started laughing, and the whole bar was now looking at both of us. I did not care. I prepared Kamikaze shots for both of us, did a little cheers thing by slamming those two little shot glasses and down it went.
I was glad he had found his love of his life. He was married to her a year before on the Valentines Day in Las Vegas.
sidhyo, yetti matrai ho....thankyou all!!
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 04:59 PM
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Dumbass ji,
This is my reading of the day. very interesting story...very very long....ufff.. padha padha...teti time ma ta ma pani Las vegas ma gayera drive through marriage garna bhyaisakhe hola:p
Also, I am thankful to you because you didn't use roman nepali script this time:)
Aba dhekhi...clubs jana chodera , ma pani church tira janu parla, hallelujah bhandai.
Very nice...keep it up!
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| suva chintak |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 05:09 PM
Dear DUMBASS,
Nice one, but I only got as far as the ebony bosom. Did he, or did he not? I would appreciate if someone would send me an executive summary to this Nehurivian question.
Hail to miss Valentine!
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 07:01 PM
dumbass jyu.....atti nai ramro lagyo.ehe.
Its not the quantity on the thread, its the quality, and its of the highest quality :)......i got few ukranian friends myself.......that's why it irked me a lot trying to relate this guy's patience with them.....tara malai ni russian vodka chai khub pila chann.ehe...tara tyai ho...swearing garna thale pachi non stopppppppp........IDI NAHUuuuu^100000
Great writing. thoroughly enjoyed it!
Oys
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| Trikal |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 07:07 PM
Dhumbassji,
Bravo !! Bravo !! what a story....really good one ..... as Oys said....
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 07:12 PM
Dumbasse ji...
What a comeback hajur! Definitiely with a bang! :)
Very nice story...well told.
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| prempujari |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 07:50 PM
Padhe Padhe, Maile ni Padhe!!!
Dumbhajyu le hallaayo, sajha!!
ehe!!! It was really good ke, thats why, tuppa dekhun fed samma, ekkai choti padhe!!!
Ukranian re, hehe, malai ni euta purano school ko Ukranian taruni yaad aai ra yaar!! Valentine's Day aaunai laagyo, # khojnu paryo yaar!!
:D
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| Padme |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 09:11 PM
What a nice piece! I liked the composure, content and presentation. Very well done.
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| Vision |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 09:54 PM
Ramro ta hola...tara tyatro lamo, padhnai bore lagyo.
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 12-Feb-03 11:51 PM
Is it for real! ? If it's fiction!, u got some imagination! & if it's for real, good play of words and good description!
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| starry night |
Posted
on 13-Feb-03 12:00 AM
Dhumbass you did an excellent job with detail, however your transistion and punctuation could have been better.(not that im great or what not! just my input).
i thoroughly enjoyed it!
i must say, i love this site. So many amazing authors!
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| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 13-Feb-03 08:38 AM
Rusty !! Oys!! Trikal!! SItara!PP!! Padme!!Vision!! suva chitak!! Gur_inturrupted!!Starry night!! and all those who read my writing, but did not want to comment!!
Thank you all for your kind words , and ,most importantly, your precious time. I am very encouraged!!
Gurl_Interrupted,!! yes, it is indeed a true stroy, as it was told to me by my friend, Mr. Yab. I changed his name and added a little details here and there.
Starry Night!! i really appreciate your honest opinion! a tremendous help in my pursuit. Now you know who is the rookie.
Ye Sitara hajur !! darshan!
hajurko jasto lekhna sake po "True Bang" hunthyo :)
Happy Valentines Day everyone!!
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| gorato |
Posted
on 13-Feb-03 09:39 AM
It is highly appreciated that how you carry the whole feelings of Mr. Yab. I was thinking that even Mr. Yab would not be able to describe his feelings like you did it for him. Good piece of work indeed. Hope, we’ll get chance to read more like this………Hallelujah!
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| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 13-Feb-03 09:53 AM
ohohoho!! did..!! ooops!! I mean Gorato!!
ma ta uta po kuri baseko thiye!! ke ho timro tal ta
Thanks a lot!! you have always been a great support .
Ma yeuta geet gaidiu...
timi nabhaye jindagani kada sari cha
pheri pani ..kehi gunashao chaina...
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| jira |
Posted
on 13-Feb-03 10:03 AM
dhumba lay Mr. Yab ko naam ma kattai aphnai gunaso ta pokhya haina..bichara Mr. Yab!!
Yab lai 14 gatey kick-kick awuney bho, pani khwaunu parla tyasto bhaye dekhin.
nice story!
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| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 13-Feb-03 10:41 AM
Jira dai! thanks!!
timro kura sadhai milcha ..yespala milena..tyo karuwako pani tyettikai sukera jane bho..
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