| Username |
Post |
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 01-Mar-03 04:27 PM
The eyes are still staring me, with a constant purr. It extends its small paw loaded with razor sharp claws. They said it right when they said, the black cat can see deads. That's right, I am dead now, died half an hour ago. In that big bio-chemical explosion. The gas engulfed my city, my dear city, and with it...I am going down.
I was a little naive to have trusted Dr. Zhivago; while the entire city took special injections to protect themselves from the possible bio-explosion, I only took his invention: the P3 plus nitrate to save myself. And thus now, while all the people are running here and there, full of life, I am already dead. Yeah, rest of the city is still alive, don't know when they will give up..but is Panther still alive? Panther, my pet cat, is still staring at me. Yup, it is alive; my hands went right through it..I can't touch it or feel it. If it were dead, I might have been able to feel it. But how come he is alive, may be the explosion was harmful for human beings only. Yep, that should be it.
It is spooky here and thus ironic. I am the one who is dead and I am feeling goosebumps now. Hey! Atleast I can answer few of the questions that I had as a kid. What happens when you are dead? Well from my experience so far, I can tell you that the vision gradually becomes blurr. I guess it completely disappears after a while. I cannot hear what people are shouting about, yeah I can hear the animals; my pet cat. It still is extending its paws..as if..as if it wants some help. My dear boy, its me who wants help.
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 01-Mar-03 04:29 PM
What is this? Why is everybody coming to my room. Dr Jackwill, my friends Albert, Roshi, Roshan, Biren and hey that's my Professor..my favourite professor. Now it looks weird, they are making a circle and running round and round. THe vision is getting more blurred. Yeah, I am loosing it and I cannot figure out why everybody is in my room. How
fast they knew I was dead. They don't feel my existence, how could they? I am dead, buddy.
Why did they do it? If they had the problem with the country.... why us civilians? That is so cowardly act, almost like something that a terrorist would do. About 20 years back, near the start of new millenium, we had this fear of terrorism. Now it seems there might be a third world war and the world will be wiped out. Hey but their first attack was worthless, My friends are still alive, my city is alive. See, looking out from the window I can see people running everywhere. Okay, u got me and I am dead, but that's all you've got. You couldn't even claim my cat, so there.
Telephone ringing? Hey Roshan! Don't you hear the telephone ringing? I can hear it loud and clear. Are you gonna take it? Strange, let me take it. May be I can hear the voice in the other end too.
"Hello"
"Hello! Is it D.K? This is Dr. Zhivago"
"Dr. Zhivago, I trusted you and instead of taking the regular shot, I took your P3 plus formula. Look I am dead now."
"Listen to me D.K."
"No, you listen to me! Listen carefully, if you also didn't take the shot, You are dead too!!! And since I can hear you
clearly, I think You! are dead too!"
"No D.K. No...."
"That is the truth Doc. The enemy has attacked, but we have won! They only got you and me..and we both are dead now."
"No D.K. We didn't win. And we are not the one who is dead!...50 miles radius from the center of this city is affected
by the explosion and everybody in the area is a casualty. Everybody is dead D.K...except you and me. The P3 plus worked,
unfortunately to see this day."
"No Doc..that can't be..."
"That is the truth D.K. turn the T.V. on, everybody in the city is Dead!!!"
"The casualty is estimated to be in hundreds of thousands..if not million.." the TV was reporting. My friends have almost disappeared now. People running outside in the streets are almost gone. I am still in the state of shock, my city...my lovely city sounds like a graveyard..a whistling sound with tumbleweeds rolling from nowhere. I saw the agitated spirit of my loved ones, they paid me the last goodbye. Is this the future, and does it end here? Why are we the enemy of our own kind? I am sure my country will take the revenge and the end might be ... a big black hole of disaster.
Though blurry, I still see Panter. His claws fully extended..his green eyes with even more sparkles on them. Sorry buddy, I can't help you. I can't help myself, I can't help the humankind. I can't help your green eyes.
|
| nuts |
Posted
on 01-Mar-03 04:29 PM
kya lekhchha lekhak le!
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 01-Mar-03 04:35 PM
My first fiction, Nuts... do read. If u wanna feel it, even better to read it at night, alone.
|
| Gurl_Interrupted |
Posted
on 01-Mar-03 06:44 PM
Whoa! *Bump* U got some creativity!
|
| PremPujari |
Posted
on 02-Mar-03 08:15 AM
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
Lekhaak! So you bought yourself a brand-new-technicolor-suit??
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!! ha ha ... Awesome ni!! 4 thumbs-up!!
Oodhin' Siraak, drinkin' Rakshi!!
Goose bumps!!
LOL!!
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 02-Mar-03 07:27 PM
Gurl_Interrupted and PremPujari, thanks. Makes it worthwhile.
|
| oys_chill |
Posted
on 02-Mar-03 10:18 PM
wow lekhakkkkkkk............feels like reading the 7th sense :).....awsome!! is this the old sajhaite with a new avatar as well ;) jus shooting in the dark :)
oys
|
| isolated freak |
Posted
on 02-Mar-03 11:12 PM
yeah, Night Shyamalan can use this story for the Sixth Sense II. Good story! aru pani jaos..
sajha ma aaye dekhin fiction padhne badhyo ba.. nabhaye ma ta katha, kabita bhane pachin..sadhai tadha bhagne manche.. gajjab cha ba!
|
| FREAK OF NATURE |
Posted
on 03-Mar-03 03:58 AM
Was a beautiful piece.
Basically, fiction doesn't exist anymore in the true sense-of-humour.Where the life is thrilling itself in every pace.The news in and around is like a fiction itself.The good and the bad weather is a fiction itself.
The above mentioned crucial stage was a thrilling piece as well.The humankind you taking side by side with the kind of an animal was sense-of-fiction as well.I would be there to see your next chapter that goes with the above piece of story if it does (exists).
The expression and the conversation was gorgeous .If a man like you exist in the sajha then where were you over the days?
looking forward for your next adventure in the world of fiction.
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 03-Mar-03 12:17 PM
Oys_Chill, all of your "accusations" are right. No point for guessing.
Isolated, I was more inspired by the Beautiful Mind than the Sixth Sense for this story. The concept was to deliver the not-so-subtle message with an interesting twist.
Freak jee, thanks whole heartedly for your compliments. As I said earlier, it makes the whole thing worthwhile.
The story ends there. I am working on a simple Nepali Story : "Adhikari Baje." Its not a fiction or a thriller neither does it have any suspense engraved. Its just one of my tryouts towards a simple Nepali lit. Its going through a lot of self-scrutiny; one of the problem here is that the stories have to be kept to their bare minimum; they have to be very short. Long stories polish the characters, but the stories in Sajha are to be deprived of that luxury.
Do wait for "ADHIKARI BAJE"
|
| isolated freak |
Posted
on 03-Mar-03 12:26 PM
short stories can be even more *POWERFUL* provided you have a good choice of words, hoina ra?
La ta adhikari baje ni jaos.. ma ni euta suspence katha lekhnu paryo.. :-)
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 03-Mar-03 01:20 PM
Isolated le kuro bujhena.
I was just merely trying to find an excuse for "ADHIKARI BAJE." It would be completely different from Green Eyes, so I had to come up with an excuse, hoina ra? But truly, it would take more than 5 pages just to bring up his character in the story; and the story isn't longer than 3 pages.
Thanks all for the kind responses.
|
| isolated freak |
Posted
on 03-Mar-03 03:27 PM
i thought you were hinting at making your story short.. and i said, short stories tend to be more powerful than the long ones.. bnhaneko.. sachai naujhya raicha...
thanks fro corecting me
aaba arko ni jaso
|
| SITARA |
Posted
on 03-Mar-03 09:31 PM
Chilling but close!!!!!!
Gripping writing!
|
| Dr. No |
Posted
on 04-Mar-03 12:08 AM
Hey, Stephen King in the making? Gripping and still tripping from the Bhang from Shiva Ratri. ;)
|
| rajunpl |
Posted
on 04-Mar-03 03:37 AM
Good one lekhak.give us more and more
|
| sajan |
Posted
on 04-Mar-03 10:38 AM
Kasta kasta lekhak chan yaar sajha ma...Kuro bhuje marididu !
|
| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 04-Mar-03 10:45 AM
nice piece , awaiting Adhikari baje.
I have always enjoyed reading short stories, IF le bhane jasto powerfull pani huncha ani padhna pani choto mitho, majako,
talking about short stories, i could never forget the story written by Tolstoy, " How much land does a man need", and the other one ,by Anton Chekov,nam chahi birshe tesko, I. SC ma ho kyare padhnu parthyo, among others.
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 04-Mar-03 02:14 PM
Hey thanks a lot for the motivation to write.
Thanks Sitara, Rajunpl and Sajan. Dr. No, thats a huge complement I am not worthy of.
Isolated, thanks for all the support.
Dumbass jee, I second your opinion. "How much land does a man need" is a classic example of a good short story, simple yet powerful. Anton Chekov and his contemporary Maxim Gorky (although the latter is more popular with his plays) are a constant guidance for any writer. Hoffman, O. Henry and Mansfield are select others you will like.
|
| rajunpl |
Posted
on 04-Mar-03 02:45 PM
bhayena ho.. dherai gaaf bho.aru pani jaos lekhak jyu.na bhaye ma shuru gardim timi end gara la...!!!
One day in this spring,I woke up and went out of my home.the air was so mild that it easily flows in my bloodstream without external defect.It smoothly touches my nerves and then kiss my nerve.It give such a stumble than other heart of mine which was sleeping in that short winter presume to be getting life.It woke up finally.cuddle the other remain heart.I was alive ever then before.My nerve is just like a new born baby and lost in the lust of the air.
I was asking "rajunpl". "are you the same old puff or the just born today."I had no idea abou the answer.sun rays were getting milder with the air.I did like to hold that moment for a while but she was running.Again i cried oh!!,oh miserable evening why are you running like that..? Just keep the sun where it is for a while. I do like this dusk to remain for ever.But,she wouldn't listen to me.
evening wind:whoooooouuuuuuuaaaaaaeeeeeiiiiiiwoooooooooo.
new tree leaves: catch me rajunpl...
rajunpl:just listineng to everyone.He had no other choice than that.He see stranding still that the sun is drawning bit by bit.His heart is again mourning bit by bit.what a synchronisation.The evening is still running with no sign of mercy.she wants to drown into the night and scare of the moonlight.
she knows that the moonlight will uncover everything.then why did she left me like that..?
LEKHAK jaos na ta aba...(khola ko pani bage jhai....)
|
| freak of nature |
Posted
on 06-Mar-03 08:57 AM
ANI ke bho ?
|
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Mar-03 01:32 AM
I am sorry, but Adhikari Baje won't be posted soon.
I promise though, another thriller: "WHITE OLEANDER" will be posted on Tuesday (hope to get it done by Monday).
Rajunppl, your story is giving me chills already. I couldn't contain it, hope you will give it a finishing touch.
|
