| biratnagare |
Posted
on 23-Mar-03 10:58 PM
jOKE # 1.
A husband came out of the bathroom naked and was climbing
into bed when his wife announced, as she quite often did,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a
suppository, it's up to you."
jOKE # 2,
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade
too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the
principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry
both agree:
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
(Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.
jOKE # 3.
|
| biratnagare |
Posted
on 23-Mar-03 11:00 PM
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to raise the child. He would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
jOKE # 4.
Read Slowly:
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE,
SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL
YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE YOU...AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
jOKE # 5., STRICTLY FOR WOMEN
He said........"I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said......."You wear pants don't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said.........."Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said.........Well, you succeeded!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said........."Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said.......That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said.........."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said........."Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said........."Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said........I would but you're never there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
..........................
Both of them!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the man cross the road?.................... He heard the chicken was a slut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper
We don't know; it has never happened!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
Man says to God: "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
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