(Background: This piece was first published in The Kathmandu Post in September, 1996, the time when, thanks to Sher Bahadur Deuba, there were 48 -- yes, 48 -- cabinet members in Nepal. At the time, the evening news broadcasts on the television showed little else besides countless ministerial speeches, footage of various inauguration ceremonies and other such stuff ad infinitum, ad nauseum. In November 2004, the author was taken aback to learn from a politically astute Sajha reader -- in all seriousness --that this alleged humor piece is -- oh my God! --ominiously political in terms of what it says and does not says about the Royal Palace. Consider yourself appropriately warned, and don't even dare chuckle without looking around first! You never know what goes on in other people's head)


I want my NTV

by oohi ashu


All right, time for sneak previews of shows that are to be beamed directly to your living room this autumn from the studios of the Nepal Television (NTV).

Marx, Marx, Baby: In this show, you'll see Marxism co-opting Bahunism, Leninism flirting with crony-capitalism, and some-are-more-equal rhetoric edging out all-are-equal propaganda. Sponsored by the Neo-bourgeoisie Wing of Nepal's united communist parties, MMB will: (a) serialize nuggets of wisdom from "The Little Red Book"; (b) feature ads from car-dealer comrades who have offered discounts to the UML MPs; and, (c) strive to stamp out any inter-communist dissent to promote a diversity of ideas. Tune in on Wednesdays at 7:00 pm.

The Hajmola Congressi Hour: Sponsored by Dabar India, and hosted by the Nepal Student Union "karyakartas", this show will favorably dissect unprocessed, undigested and constipated national policies and internal fights for which Congressi netas have the right skills and the temperament. The innards of past, present and future Congressi greats will also be admiringly profiled. B.P. ko sapana, however, will be shown late in the night (after everyone is asleep) so that viewers can dream it themselves. Mondays at 8:30 pm.

Recording Poorano Panchai-baja: Covertly sponsored by Salyan's Save the Nation Group, RPP is to be put on by the Rastriya Prajatantra Party (RPP). Parading a cast of politicians, bureaucrats, PhD-wallahs, literary critics and "Mandalays" -- most of whom had made their name and loot before 1990 -- this program will articulate such burning priorities as "Basic Needs", "Measuring up to 'Asiali maap-danda'", "New Education System Plan" and so on. Expect lots of tall promises and vague generalities, as former panchas continue to denounce their past to morph into swooning lovers of democracy. Tuesdays at 9:00 pm.

Vijay Kumar Mis-presents: Watch Mr. Vijay Kumar, winner of three National Self-promotion Awards, poorly imitate Ted Koppel and Larry King, as he interviews the movers and shakers of this Himalayan Kingdom. How does Kumar pull off the show? Easy. Though his well-respected anti-establishment days have been over since the fall of Panchayat, Kumar is chugging along just fine -- on publicity that does not demand him to do a thorough background research, ask orderly questions, and display
some finesse. Fridays at 9:00 pm.

Dharna -- A "samajik" serial: This features a gripping saga of a Gurung boy who launches a long dharna outside a Tharu girl's house until she marries him. Shot in Jumla, Ghandruk, Dang and Kanchanpur, this 10-part serial also shows off our Nepali "sanskriti" and the usual "himal-pahad-tarai" routine in all their touristy splendors, while unfailingly making a point that yes, romantic love is the boiling point of our pan-Nepali culture. Besides, Dharna comes well-oiled with these rating-boosting masala: Affected dialogues, melodramatic performances, forced comic actions, garish set- and costume-designs, inane song-and-dance prances, implausible plots and twists, and, most importantly, zero entertainment. Saturdays at 9:00 pm.

"Priya darshak-brind, throw away your remote. Sit back, relax and watch -- all these shows and more. Right here on NTV."